Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Deniz has sent the first chapter of Out of the Water.
Palos de la Frontera, Kingdom of Castile, Spain
4 August 1492
She hurtled down the corridor, the slap of footsteps close behind. Her feet turned and her body followed, her thoughts a waterfall of words. Get away, get away, get away.
One flight, two flights. Gasping for air, she reached a long corridor lined with high windows. A haze of early morning light gave the stone walls a forbidding aspect, as though they might move inward to trap her.
The smell of sizzling garlic led her to the kitchen and a pot bubbling over an open fire. A man in an apron rolled out dough at the table. He was a stranger; not one of the inquisitors who’d removed her from her uncle Aram’s house nor yet de Armas, the officer who’d questioned her last night.
Behind him, a door stood open to the gardens.
She grabbed a poker as she skidded past. The man called out, lunging around the table, and she hooked the poker to the pot’s rim and yanked, jumping back before the hot liquid could splash on her. He yelped as broth splattered across his arms. The rolling pin clattered to the floor.
Out through the door and across the herb garden, a crashing and banging coming from behind as the man followed her. She was halfway to the gate when a second man stood up (snip)
Yes
The historical era, action, and good story questions got me to turn the page, yet I think it could be improved. Notes:
Palos de la Frontera, Kingdom of Castile, Spain
4 August 1492
She Rosa hurtled down the corridor, the slap of footsteps close behind. Her feet turned and her body followed, her thoughts a waterfall of words. Get away, get away, get away. I added her name because it’s easier to connect with a person rather than a pronoun.
One flight, two flights. Gasping for air, she reached a long corridor lined with high windows. A haze of early morning light gave the stone walls a forbidding aspect, as though they might move inward to trap her. What about the pursuer? Still there? Gaining on her? Losing ground? Who is it?
The smell of sizzling garlic led her to the kitchen and a pot bubbling over an open fire. A man in an apron rolled out dough at the table. He was a stranger;, not one of the inquisitors who’d removed her from her uncle Aram’s house nor yet de Armas, the officer who’d questioned her last night. It doesn’t seem to me that the smell of garlic would lead the direction of a panicked person apparently running from something terrible. She would be dashing for the nearest exit. If she doesn’t know where it is, and that might be possible in this scenario, it could be that, if she smells the garlic, she would think of it coming from a kitchen and that there would be a door to the outside. Put this in the context of what’s happening. I didn’t understand the word “yet” in the sentence.
Behind him, a door stood open to the gardens.
She grabbed a poker as she skidded past the fire. The man called out, lunging around the table, and she hooked the poker to the pot’s rim and yanked, jumping back running on before the hot liquid could splash on her. He yelped as broth splattered across his arms. The rolling pin clattered to the floor. It seemed to me that running was more consistent with what has happened so far. Also, what happened to whoever was pursuing her? There was the slap of footsteps close behind her at the beginning. That person should be involved in this action.
Out through the door and across the herb garden, a crashing and banging coming from behind as the man followed her. She was halfway to the gate when a second man stood up (snip) Good story questions—will she get away? Will this man stop her?
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey