Flogometer for Charlene --would you turn the page?
Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Charlene has sent the first chapter of A Mage, the Mirror, and a Promise.
Cassandra gazed out the window of the carriage and watched the countryside greenery amble past her until she was sufficiently bored enough to read again. She gritted her teeth, opened the book, and read:
The valiant knight smashed open the door to the roof of the mage's tower and strode through it, a great sword in hand, as the violent storm raged overhead.
"Sir Hector," the Princess gasped in relief, "oh thank God you're here!" She struggled against the ropes that bound her to the chair.
"Fear not, Princess Sirena, I shall rescue you," the knight proclaimed, and then, to the air, he shouted, "Show yourself, foul demon! I shall vanquish you and free the world from your reign of terror!"
Hector raised his gleaming sword and scanned the roof, but he saw nothing but the bound princess and a silver mirror. A bolt of lightning struck one of the huge obsidian spires of the tower, and the princess shrieked, tipped the chair over and fell hard upon the obsidian floor.
Cassandra slammed the book on her lap closed, sighed, and rolled her eyes in disgust. Who writes this trash, she wondered
The carriage hit another bump on the road and everyone rocked back and forth from the jolt. The old man who'd been sleeping next to her hit his head against her shoulder and startled (snip)
Tempted
I enjoyed the voice and the writing, and the rhetorical question about who writes this trash promised some fun ahead . . . but, in the end, there’s not much tension here. In the course of my duties here at FtQ, I did read ahead to see if there was a more fraught opening. The good writing continued, the character, an orphan, was spunky and likeable . . . but all that happened was that she arrived and was taken to her uncle’s home amidst some backstory. I think this tale starts later, and that it will be a good one. Brief notes, mostly some trimming:
Cassandra gazed out the carriage window of the carriage and watched the countryside greenery amble past her until she was sufficiently bored enough to read again. She gritted her teeth, opened the book, and read: I used to do the “of the” construction myself until I saw how often it clutters with unnecessary words.
The valiant knight smashed open the door to the roof of the mage's tower and strode through it, a great sword in hand, as the violent storm raged overhead.
"Sir Hector," the Princess gasped in relief, "oh thank God you're here!" She struggled against the ropes that bound her to the chair.
"Fear not, Princess Sirena, I shall rescue you," the knight proclaimed, and then, to the air, he shouted, "Show yourself, foul demon! I shall vanquish you and free the world from your reign of terror!"
Hector raised his gleaming sword and scanned the roof, but he saw nothing but the bound princess and a silver mirror. A bolt of lightning struck one of the huge obsidian spires of the tower, and the princess shrieked, tipped the chair over and fell hard upon the obsidian floor.
Cassandra slammed the book on her lap closed, sighed, and rolled her eyes in disgust. Who writes this trash, she wondered.
The carriage hit another bump on the road and everyone rocked back and forth from the jolt. The old man who'd been sleeping next to her hit his head against her shoulder and startled (snip) There’s a little fat here and there that could be cut for a crisper pace and narrative.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey