The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Call for Submissions If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
Tony has sent a revision of the first chapter of Lights Out.
The Fenway Park crowd stirred. Danny rolled the baseball in his palm and stroked the raised seams. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness returned. He retreated down the back side of the mound as Art Coley trudged up the hill. Danny pounded the ball into his glove and locked horns with his manager. “I had a hard time getting loose, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You lied to me.” Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips, crossed his arms, and planted himself between Danny and home plate. “Again.”
Danny wiped his sweat drenched forehead. “I’m throwing strikes.”
Lines creased between Coley’s eyebrows. “Three innings, six hits, two walks, four runs?”
“I’m pitching better than my numbers.” Danny spread his tingling fingers and glanced around the ballpark. Every seat was filled with rowdy fans. “Just lost the feel for the curve.”
“Unbelievable.” Coley shook his head, plucked a wad of tobacco from his bottom lip, and flicked it to the ground. “This is Kansas City all over again.”
Danny slipped his hand into his back pocket and caressed the talisman that the Haitian had given him. When he touched it, jagged shards of denuded bone carved through his cuticles and hooked over his fingertips. Tattered shreds of flesh peeled away in ragged strips. He winced at the familiar pain. “This is nothing like Kansas City.”
Yes, but . . .
The story questions are strong enough and the writing good, so I’m turning the page. Yet I think this could be crisper, and Tony is still wrestling with how to describe the supernatural element. (Sorry, forgot the poll until someone mentioned it.) Notes:
The Fenway Park crowd stirred. Danny rolled the baseball in his palm and stroked the raised seams. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness had returned. He retreated down the back side of the mound as Art Coley trudged up the hill. Danny pounded the ball into his glove and locked horns with his manager. “I had a hard time getting loose, if that’s what you’re asking.” I think this sets the scene well and efficiently, and immediately introduces tension and conflict. We know Danny has a serious-sounding problem with his pitching hand, and here comes the manager.
“You lied to me.” Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips, crossed his arms, and planted himself between Danny and home plate. “Again.” Nice increase in tension here.
Danny wiped his sweat-drenched forehead. “I’m throwing strikes.” A little overwriting here, to my eye. Keep it simple. Danny wiped sweat from his forehead.
Lines creased between Coley’s eyebrows. “Three innings, six hits, two walks, four runs?” Same thing here with the creasing lines. No need for a fancier way to say: Cole scowled.
“I’m pitching better than my numbers.” Danny spread his tingling fingers and glanced around the ballpark. Every seat was filled with rowdy fans. “Just lost the feel for the curve.”
“Unbelievable.” Coley shook his head, plucked a wad of tobacco from his bottom lip, and flicked it to the ground. “This is Kansas City all over again.”
Danny slipped his hand into his back pocket and caressed the talisman that the Haitian had given him. When he touched it, jagged shards of denuded bone carved through his cuticles and hooked over his fingertips. Tattered shreds of flesh peeled away in ragged strips. He winced at the familiar pain. “This is nothing like Kansas City.” The way this is written, it read to me as if the shards of bone came from the talisman and carved into his fingertips, which is not the case. I think this is a situation where we need to tell just a little bit for clarity. Thoughtstarter: When he touched it, the change in his fingertips began--jagged shards of bone carved up through his cuticles and hooked over his fingertips. Etc.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey