Flogometer for Felix --would you turn the page?

This flogging empties the pillory—no more until folks send new work.

Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Felix has sent the first chapter of A Waltz for a Stray Dog.

The sounds of whispers faded as I marched into the silence of the music wing. Lunch time was intermission from the gossips. The whole school seemed to know more about the war over my ailing grand sire's fortune than me. I only knew grandfather couldn't die.

I locked myself into the music room. Something groaned when I put my red bean bun and thermos on the piano. A pair of legs stuck out from behind it. The boy was a rare specimen in this school. His hair was a bird's nest, there was a cut at the corner of his mouth, and his brows were trimmed. I've read from Wikipedia that trimmed brows was one of the unique features of bad boys in Japan.

But calling this creature a bad boy would be an insult to those punch throwing, profanity spewing individuals. He was more of a shaggy dog who lost a fight. If he was more human than canine, I'd have kicked him out.

I knelt beside him and dabbed at his cut with an anti-bacterial wipe. He shifted away and whined.

“Don't get in a fight if you're afraid of pain.” I said. He mumbled something again, and pushed my hand away.

“I said I only need water. Man-woman.”

Man-woman?  I didn't even have hairy legs or a mustache on my upper lip.

I took the band aid from my skirt pocket then slapped it onto his wound. His howl was musical. I then slammed my thermos beside his ear “Please remember to wash it before you return it.” I said (snip)

Almost

I responded to the voice and the number of story questions that were raised, but there were clarity and craft issues that stayed my hand. I think there’s promise here, though, so keep working on it. Notes:

The sounds of whispers faded as I marched into the silence of the music wing. Lunch time was intermission from the gossips. The whole school seemed to know more about the war over my ailing grand sire's grandsire’s fortune than me. I only knew grandfather couldn't die. Where are the whispers coming from? A room she is leaving? What? Still, good story questions raised, and we see that the character has a strong relationship with her grandfather.

I locked myself into the music room. Something groaned when I put my red bean bun and thermos on the piano. A pair of legs stuck out from behind it. The boy was a rare specimen in this school. His hair was a bird's nest, there was a cut at the corner of his mouth, and his brows were trimmed. I've read from in Wikipedia that trimmed brows was were one of the unique features of bad boys in Japan.  I had no idea what a “red bean bun” is, but I’m sure a British audience would. It isn’t quite clear that the legs/boy are/is on the floor.

But calling this creature a bad boy would be an insult to those punch-throwing, profanity-spewing individuals. He was more of a shaggy dog who had lost a fight. If he was more human than canine, I'd have kicked him out. Those are compound adjectives that need hyphenation.

I knelt beside him and dabbed at his cut with an anti-bacterial wipe. He shifted away and whined. A little bit too much of a jump cut for me—where did the antibacterial wipe come from? Suggest including her purse (which would let us know gender) and getting it from there.

“Don't get in a fight if you're afraid of pain.,” I said. He mumbled something again, and pushed my hand away.  Comma needed after “pain” in dialogue, not a period. No comma after “again” in the third sentence.

“I said I only need water. Man-woman.” I think it would help to include an action beat here that gives us his expression. Does he look her in the eyes? Sneer? Curl his lip?

Man-woman?  I didn't even have hairy legs or a mustache on my upper lip.

I took the band aid Band-Aid from my skirt pocket then and slapped it onto his wound. His howl was musical. I then slammed my thermos beside his ear “Please remember to wash it before you return it.” I said (snip) Why would she carry a Band-Aid in her skirt pocket? Odd. Can you motivate this? Is she a school nurse? Clarity issue—the slammed thermos could have been onto the floor beside his ear or onto his skull beside his year. I like the way her actions show her irritation with the kid, much better than telling us she is angry.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey