Flogging the Quill

Reviews review—The Summer Boy

I checked Amazon the other day for new reviews and found one for The Summer Boy. It’s interesting to see the commonalities when a few have accumulated. See what you think.

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I read this book in two days. I had to find out who the murderer was, how the young lovers survived, and how the various characters were going to deal with all the triumphs and adversities of their summer. It's a tale of friendship(the long-lasting kind), love, hatred, deceit - all told through the lens of a long, hot Texas summer. I felt like I was right there with them, sweat and all, while trying to do the right thing and grow up all at the same time. Highly recommend it for a good summer read, or a mid-winter read if you need the reminder of summertime!

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An entertaining page-turner about teenagers coming of age in Texas. Two Dallas city boys -- rancher wannabes -- hire on as summer help on a ranch near Kerrville in the hill country. As they learn the ranching trade and lifestyle, they also face the challenges of emerging manhood, young love, sexual discovery, a dysfunctional family, and, well, a murder or two. The author adroitly portrays the adolescent awkwardness and angst of his protagonist, Jesse, and also his grit and courage. Jesse begins the summer as a naive boy, but arcs into a young man by August. His love interest, Lola, compels as a sensual teenager challenged by her own emerging sexuality, her abusive mother, and her lecherous uncle. She also grows through the summer,as her competitive spirit spurs her to become an independent young adult in spite of her over-controlling mother.

I read this book because I enjoy Mr. Rhamey's writing blog, "Flogging the Quill," in which he advocates for high tension, precise writing, and compelling action to motivate the reader to turn the page. "The Summer Boy" does exactly that. I couldn't stop turning the pages until the end.

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I've read several of Rhamey's books, and one thing I love about them is his genre-bending style. In "Summer Boy" he gives us a murder mystery, a teen romance, and a coming-of-age story, all woven together with effortless skill. Rhamey has created a believable cast of characters--some heroic, some disturbed--whom readers come to really care about, plot twists rich with lethal pitch forks and black widows, and all of it supported by a back-drop of real-life Texas ranch experience--like how to prepare cactus for cow consumption during dry spells.

The main character Jesse's crush on Lola brought back my own teenage longings--minus the murder--without being sappy. A pleasant surprise was that Jesse's evolution over the course of the novel emerged not only from his encounter with first love and ranch life, but also from his challenging relationship to the jealous and dangerous ranch foreman, Buddy.

I read Rhamey's novels quickly, shaving off sleep time in order to finish them. "Summer Boy" was no exception. Highly recommended!

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A warm and engrossing tale of growing up--Texas style. You'll find yourself rifling through the pages, as you sweat through the oppressive Texas heat along with Jesse, a young man struggling to survive his summer job as a newly hired ranchhand in 1950's Texas.

Jesse's journey to discover who he is as a man, and find his place in the world, is complicated by his budding relationship with a young woman, Lola, who he can't keep his eyes off of, a dangerous loose cannon of a co-worker, Buddy, who is bent on forcing Jesse to leave the ranch by any means necessary, Lola's cruel, controlling mother, who disapproves of her daughter's relationship with Jesse and a murder that looms large over everything that happens that summer at the ranch.

This novel will tug on your heartstrings. Great fun and powerfully written. Don't miss out.

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Sixteen-year-old Jesse takes a summer job on a Texas ranch, and encounters a series of tests and challenges that a kid without his guts and gumption would never survive. From water mocassins to flame throwers, from the rancher's knock-out daughter Lola to her malevolent witch of a mother, from one dead body to another, Jesse must navigate the perils like a modern, younger Odysseus. There is mythic quality to this initiation journey. At the same time the book is so rich in realistic detail that you realize by the end that you've learned a great deal about ranch life in the hinterlands. I was fascinated throughout.

Flogometer for Lisette --would you turn the page?

Lisette saved the day with her chapter, but the pillory is empty again—no more floggings until folks send new work.

Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Lisette has sent the first chapter of Ebo.

The Ashanti village was well laid out. Families tended to live together in small clusters of huts, with a common ground in the center, similar to a central courtyard. I had been observing the village earlier that day. Watching the men, women and children with their chores. I was perfectly capable of walking amongst them during daytime, but these people knew I was something more, and I saved that behaviour for necessary times. So I had decided to leave and return under the cover of darkness.

As I stood at a distance, partly covered by wild brush, my thoughts went back to the first time I had approached the village, several years earlier. I had been feeling bold that day and convinced myself that the Ashanti were complex enough to understand I was not there to harm them. Located on West Africa’s Gulf of Guinea; the Republic of Ghana was their home. Wanting to learn more about these mortals and maybe ease my loneliness with their company, I had chosen early morning to make my appearance, thinking sun break would probably make me seem less threatening.

I had slowly but deliberately walked out of the brush, more or less from the same spot I now stood, and walked directly into the village. A sorrowful smile covered my face as I remembered how naive I had been in thinking someone would approach me and I could explain how I was there on friendly terms, or maybe they would not even notice I was (snip)

No, but . . .

I like the writing and the voice, and the narrative promises an exotic locale that should be interesting, but there wasn’t much in the way of tension or story questions. The references to the people knowing the character was “something more” and to them as “mortals” just weren’t quite enough to tease me onward.

And the mini-trip to the past on the opening page slowed the pace. You wonder if the rest of the story will be this laid back. So I went looking for sterner stuff. Below I’ve cobbled together narrative from the second page. This page I would have turned.

The Ashanti village was well laid out. Families tended to live together in small clusters of huts, with a common ground in the center, similar to a central courtyard. I had been observing the village earlier that day. Watching the men, women and children with their chores. I was perfectly capable of walking amongst them during daytime, but these people knew I was something more, and I saved that behaviour for necessary times.

It was unsettling how they had instantly known I was more than they saw. There was no panic, no mayhem. They had simply lowered their heads, one by one, and stiffly retreated into their huts—staying indoors for the next few days, constantly burning incense and softly chanting prayers they thought would keep me away and forbid me from returning.

They eventually began to ignore my presence; so I ventured closer every time, until I was finally able to enter the village and walk amidst them. We seemed to have developed a silent agreement: I would not harm or disturb them, and in return they would not hunt me. I was sure their ancestors had found a way to destroy my kind. I could sense it in the way they let me come and go. I believed they knew the way to stop me if the need arose.

This time I waited to use night as a veil, feeling the need to come close, into their homes. I was not hunting. Something had caught my interest earlier. A European couple, staying in the village.

For me, this raises story questions that I want more on--what is this being? What will happen to the European couple? What do you think?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Felix --would you turn the page?

This flogging empties the pillory—no more until folks send new work.

Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Felix has sent the first chapter of A Waltz for a Stray Dog.

The sounds of whispers faded as I marched into the silence of the music wing. Lunch time was intermission from the gossips. The whole school seemed to know more about the war over my ailing grand sire's fortune than me. I only knew grandfather couldn't die.

I locked myself into the music room. Something groaned when I put my red bean bun and thermos on the piano. A pair of legs stuck out from behind it. The boy was a rare specimen in this school. His hair was a bird's nest, there was a cut at the corner of his mouth, and his brows were trimmed. I've read from Wikipedia that trimmed brows was one of the unique features of bad boys in Japan.

But calling this creature a bad boy would be an insult to those punch throwing, profanity spewing individuals. He was more of a shaggy dog who lost a fight. If he was more human than canine, I'd have kicked him out.

I knelt beside him and dabbed at his cut with an anti-bacterial wipe. He shifted away and whined.

“Don't get in a fight if you're afraid of pain.” I said. He mumbled something again, and pushed my hand away.

“I said I only need water. Man-woman.”

Man-woman?  I didn't even have hairy legs or a mustache on my upper lip.

I took the band aid from my skirt pocket then slapped it onto his wound. His howl was musical. I then slammed my thermos beside his ear “Please remember to wash it before you return it.” I said (snip)

Almost

I responded to the voice and the number of story questions that were raised, but there were clarity and craft issues that stayed my hand. I think there’s promise here, though, so keep working on it. Notes:

The sounds of whispers faded as I marched into the silence of the music wing. Lunch time was intermission from the gossips. The whole school seemed to know more about the war over my ailing grand sire's grandsire’s fortune than me. I only knew grandfather couldn't die. Where are the whispers coming from? A room she is leaving? What? Still, good story questions raised, and we see that the character has a strong relationship with her grandfather.

I locked myself into the music room. Something groaned when I put my red bean bun and thermos on the piano. A pair of legs stuck out from behind it. The boy was a rare specimen in this school. His hair was a bird's nest, there was a cut at the corner of his mouth, and his brows were trimmed. I've read from in Wikipedia that trimmed brows was were one of the unique features of bad boys in Japan.  I had no idea what a “red bean bun” is, but I’m sure a British audience would. It isn’t quite clear that the legs/boy are/is on the floor.

But calling this creature a bad boy would be an insult to those punch-throwing, profanity-spewing individuals. He was more of a shaggy dog who had lost a fight. If he was more human than canine, I'd have kicked him out. Those are compound adjectives that need hyphenation.

I knelt beside him and dabbed at his cut with an anti-bacterial wipe. He shifted away and whined. A little bit too much of a jump cut for me—where did the antibacterial wipe come from? Suggest including her purse (which would let us know gender) and getting it from there.

“Don't get in a fight if you're afraid of pain.,” I said. He mumbled something again, and pushed my hand away.  Comma needed after “pain” in dialogue, not a period. No comma after “again” in the third sentence.

“I said I only need water. Man-woman.” I think it would help to include an action beat here that gives us his expression. Does he look her in the eyes? Sneer? Curl his lip?

Man-woman?  I didn't even have hairy legs or a mustache on my upper lip.

I took the band aid Band-Aid from my skirt pocket then and slapped it onto his wound. His howl was musical. I then slammed my thermos beside his ear “Please remember to wash it before you return it.” I said (snip) Why would she carry a Band-Aid in her skirt pocket? Odd. Can you motivate this? Is she a school nurse? Clarity issue—the slammed thermos could have been onto the floor beside his ear or onto his skull beside his year. I like the way her actions show her irritation with the kid, much better than telling us she is angry.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Unboxed avenues to book sales

This is a reposting of my article on Writer Unboxed last week--I thought you might enjoy it, and WU wasn't able to insert all of the photos.

Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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1. Unbox your thinking

Books are sold in bookstores, both brick-and-mortar and online, and in racks that you find at drugstores and airports and big-box stores. Right? Yes, but if you can identify an audience with an enhanced interest in an aspect of your book, there could be more places to sell it if you unbox your thinking just a little.

My novel, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, is narrated by a calico tomcat. Cat lovers (or “cat people,” as we think of ourselves) are very interested in cats and their goings on. So where could I find a venue that has cat lovers streaming through it on a daily basis?

My local veterinarian’s—the animal hospital here in Pullman, Washington. I asked them if they’d take a local author’s book on consignment—they get 40% of the sale, just like a bookstore—and they agreed.

My book is featured on their front counter with a display that I provide. It includes a quote from a 5-star Midwest Book Review and a notice that the copies are signed by the author. The folks at the Alpine Animal Hospital report that customers like having that personal touch. In the last 7 months they’ve sold a dozen copies. It probably doesn’t hurt that it’s next to the candy dish.

Recently, when I was waiting to talk to the manager of another veterinary hospital in neighboring Moscow, Idaho, a cat person noticed the book and bought a copy right then and there. And the vet took a display.

2. Unbox your book

Take it out of the carton and off your shelves and get it out there. I’m lucky to have a venue where people are especially interested in books—I do workshops at writers’ conferences. But there are a lot of books at writers’ conferences, so I’m just one of a crowd, and simply taking my books along and displaying them doesn’t give me an edge.

Except to that sharply focused demographic audience, cat people, who are everywhere, including at writers’ conferences. In a workshop at the February 2012 South Coast Writers’ Conference in Oregon, Pat Piper, owner of the Book Dock just down the coast in Brookings, Oregon, was in my session.

During a break, the cover caught her interest—she’s a cat person. She took a liking to The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles and bought 3 copies that day. By July she had bought 12 more—and this is in a town of 6400 people. The last shipment was also signed, at Pat’s request.

Pat displays the book on her front counter with a wire stand like the one below, and cat people ask about it. She’s read the book, so she can testify that it’s a fun read. And she tells customers that it’s good for young adult readers, too. By the way, there’s an official Book Dock cat on duty at her store, pictured here.

So, simply by being on display in the right places, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles reaches out and engages its natural and best prospect. Well, not just “simply”—an eye-catching cover design and title that single out your special demographic are pretty darned necessary.

So, know your audience and then take your book to where they are. Then, as Patch, my cat character would say, “It is to purr.”

Not today

I'm so disheartened by the tragic shootings in Colorado this morning that I'm postponing today's critique. Shootings like this are what made me pour so much of myself into We the Enemy in hopes of starting new thinking on how to cure this cancer in our country.

Best,

Ray

Flogometer for Scott --would you turn the page?

At this point there will be no floggings next week—I run out Friday (but the blog goes on).  

Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Scott has sent the first chapter of April Showers.

I awoke muzzy-headed and sick to my stomach, like I had a monster hangover.  Except I didn’t remember drinking anything. 

When my eyes focused on the dead woman’s face next to me, I said something like “Gah!” and rolled away from her.  I twisted out of bed and hit the floor with a heavy thud, barking a kneecap on the hotel room carpet.

“Ouch.” 

I didn’t remember going to bed with Mrs. Fortney.  And I sure didn’t remember strangling her with a white fishnet stocking.

April Maree Fortney, Democrat candidate for United States Senate from the State of Texas.

I was her bodyguard.

She was dead.

Holy shit, I was in trouble.

I lay on the floor of the Hyatt, sick, sore and…naked.  I panted and worked on not throwing up.  Vomit challenged the back of my throat and I tried to swallow with a cottony-dry mouth.

How did I get here?  And why was I butt-naked?

I scratched my head and tried to think of the last place I remembered being.  When you lose your (snip)

Yes . . . and no.

Clearly there are strong story questions here, and they were enough to get me to turn the page. But the “no” comes in because of doubts about the storytelling that may be ahead. Yes, the writing is good, and it’s clean, and there’s a likeable character voice. Tension is there, the scene is set . . . but there’s some “telling” going on that I don’t think is delivering the character’s experience, and some bits that don’t feel authentic to me. Notes:

I awoke muzzy-headed and sick to my stomach, like I had a monster hangover.  Except I didn’t remember drinking anything. 

When my eyes I focused on the dead woman’s face next to me, I said something like “Gah!” and rolled away from her.  I twisted out of bed and hit the floor with a heavy thud, barking a kneecap on the hotel room carpet. Here’s where the telling is—“the dead woman’s face.” How does he know she’s dead? He just woke up and isn’t thinking clearly. Later the author describes her face; I’ll paraphrase it to fit it in here—I focused on the face next to me. A woman, her face bloated and eyes staring, dotted with petechiae – burst capillaries – and her tongue distended. If this is to deliver the character’s experience, let him first see and then conclude/react.

“Ouch.”  I don’t think this is needed, and it slows the pace and takes up a line of narrative.

I didn’t remember going to bed with Mrs. Fortney.  And I sure didn’t remember strangling her with a white fishnet stocking. I like the way the strangling is worked in.

April Maree Fortney, Democrat candidate for United States Senate from the State of Texas. A nice complication, and it raises the stakes.

I was her bodyguard. While this works, it’s a little flat, and I wonder if his thoughts would really state the obvious this way. Maybe something like ending the previous paragraph with a little fragment: April Maree Fortney, Democrat candidate for United States Senate from the State of Texas. The woman I was guarding.

She was dead. This is redundant, we learned in the first paragraph that she was dead.

Holy shit, I was in trouble. This seems obvious, and I don’t really think he would be thinking this.

I lay on the floor of the Hyatt, sick, sore and…naked.  I panted and worked on not throwing up.  Vomit challenged the back of my throat and I tried to swallow with a cottony-dry mouth.

How did I get here?  And why was I butt-naked? I don’t think these rhetorical questions help, either. They are story questions that have already been raised by the narrative, so just get on with the story that answers them.

I scratched my head and tried to think of the last place I remembered being.  When you lose your (snip) Scratching his head is a snippet of overwriting, detail that neither characterizes or advances the story and thus not needed.

With these cuts, there’s a lot more room on the first page for showing and for cranking up the tension.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

FtQ Potpourri

Video Interview

If you have a half hour, this is an interview I did in May with Jody Seay on her Back Page program for Oregon State University. Jody interviews Indie authors in the Pacific Northwest about their books. While the focus of the program was ostensibly We the Enemy, in a wide-ranging chat we touch upon two others—The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles and The Summer Boy. Jody is a writer as well, a fellow Texan, and a very sharp woman.

Prices lowered

I’m offering free shipping, a 10% discount, and optional signing for my paperback books, including Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. This actually puts my prices lower than Amazon’s. Paperbacks and ebooks are at my bookstore.

Workshops a-comin’

On September 22 I’m going to be doing a workshop on Crafting Killer Description and Dialogue with the Write on the River folks in Wenatchee, Washington. This is an interactive writing workshop with at least three writing tasks and critiques during the session.

And on October 7 I’m doing the same workshop at the Write on the Sound Writers’ Conference in Edmonds, Washington. It would be great to see you there. This is my fourth workshop for WOTS, and the first that’s back-to-back with the previous year’s presentation, Crafting a Killer First Page. The Conference has a policy of not repeating presentations within one year, so my workshops have been every other year until now because this is a different topic. I love this conference—it’s well done, and has excellent workshops; I attend all that I can.

Writer Unboxed

I’m privileged to be a regular contributor to the Writer Unboxed website, and will have my monthly post up this coming Thursday, the 19^th. I wish I knew what it was going to be about. It’s excellent company to be in, with daily articles on craft and the business by talented authors and others such as uberagent Donald Maass.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Lexi --would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions  If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Lexi has sent the first chapter of Ice Diaries, a work in progress.

Today is Monday, 23rd April 2018 (Nina maintains I have got a day ahead so it’s Sunday 22nd, but she is wrong.) This is the start of my new journal. I am going to write everything down, and by the time I get to the end of the book I’ll have made sense of the random things that have happened, and know what to do next.

Perhaps.

Today no snow fell, the first time for months, and the sun shone in a brilliant blue sky. With luck there’ll be icicles, so much easier to melt than snow. Greg called, as he does most days, doing his rounds. He banged on the window, slid open the patio door and came in. I gave him a Mars bar. He put his bag on the kitchen counter and his gloves to warm over my wood burning stove while he ate it. The snow melted off his boots and pooled on the stone-effect tiles. I peered into the open top of his bag.

“What’s that you’ve got there, Greg?” He took out an A4 notebook, black with a scarlet spine, and handed it to me. I opened it. Crisp off-white pages, with faint blue lines and a margin at the top. I had a sudden fancy to start a diary. I made him an offer. “A tin of sardines?”

Greg concentrated, his big moon face serious. He’s got the hang of bartering now, and enjoys it. “It’s new almost, nothing written in it. There was only some numbers on the first (snip)

Nope

I enjoy Lexi’s writing--so smooth and clean--and the voice is very likeable. But, for me, this opening—and, indeed, the chapter—was pretty much tension free. You wouldn’t know it from this opening page, but at this future time in her world the planet is buried under a hundred feet or so of snow. The patio the visitor steps onto is on the tenth floor of a high-rise (I’d try to work that in on the first page somehow).

He enters, they have a pleasant visit, barter for her new notebook, and leaves. No story questions raised. Then she visits friends, helps the woman deliver a baby, and then goes home. No story questions. At last, at the very end of the chapter, she sees something moving in this barren place on a moonlit night.

While the chapter sets the world nicely, a standard and necessary  process in science fiction, it seems to me that it can be done while something happens to the character that raises story questions about her and what will happen to her next that will either get her out of trouble or into more. As it is, things are pretty placid in her life, and there are no threats on the horizon.

While I'd love to explore her world and the consequences of a few huddled groups of survivors with nothing but snow--even the trees are buried, and that must have consequences--I want to do it in the context of a character dealing with what's happening in her life that causes a struggle for survival. This first page needs to create a little anxiety in me, and it doesn’t.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Paused

Hi. No post today, my wife is having surgery. Up at (gasp) 4:30 this morning. Should be flogging on Friday.

Ray

Update: all done and she is doing well.

Ray

A client’s terrific new book, Allah’s Revenge

I want to give a shout-out for a client’s new book, Allah’s Revenge. Pete Barber originally came to me for an edit of his manuscript, and stayed on through book design.

I’m particularly pleased with the cover design because, IMO, it creates story questions with just the graphics. Here’s the blurb from the back cover:

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Dawud, an Arab genius, creates a nanotechnology weapon capable of destroying the human race, yet small enough to conceal in a hint of perfume. 

Recruited by Allah’s Revenge, a Palestinian terrorist organization, he triggers worldwide panic when his weapon suffocates the passengers on a crowded London train in ninety seconds, filling their lungs with hard, black charcoal.

Quinn, an English detective, is first on the scene. A British journalist has a link to the terrorists, and Quinn uses him as bait to flush them out.

When their demands are not met, Allah’s Revenge wipes out the world leaders attending the G20 summit in South Korea, including the US Vice President. 

Quinn tracks the terrorists to their lair in Jerusalem and seems to have the weapon under control, but then it is unleashed in Phoenix, Arizona, and Quinn needs all his wits and courage to prevent a horde of nanobots from decimating America.

---

A challenge was to depict a horde of ravenous nanobots. An image of the full cover, including the back, is here. You’ll see them starting to devour the book spine.

Let me add that I thought this was a terrific read, exciting and interesting all the way through, with action that takes place in London, America, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and more. There are insights into Islam that I found fascinating in addition to the thriller story. The paperback is here, the Kindle version here, and the Nook edition here.  And Pete’s website here. 

It was a pleasure to work with such a talented (and-able-to-take-editorial-input-to-craft-an-even-stronger-story) author, and I’m now absorbed in editing his second thriller.

Congratulations, Pete!

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey