Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Anna --would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions—a couple of clever writers have sent submissions, but there’s a need for more. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Anna has sent the prologue and first chapter of Hide in Time.

The prologue:

Torwell Bridge, Kent, England

July 1814

“You could not be further from the truth, Laura.”

“I have irrefutable evidence; it is no longer hearsay.”

Her course of action was clear: she would delay not a moment more. The man in whom she had invested all her hopes for the future must now become her past. Adam sat astride his chestnut stallion. His eyes never left hers not even when he dismounted and flung the reins to his approaching groom.

Laura turned away, gathered the lilac, silk shawl around her shoulders, the one he had given her, and hurried towards the house. He followed, caught hold of her hand, and spun her around. One last look; she would allow herself a final indulgent gaze at the man she had once thought noble.

She raised her eyes from his brown riding boots, focused on the black velvet collar where his chestnut hair curled as it skimmed his white shirt, and felt a pang of unreasonable jealousy for she would never touch him again. She hesitated, then glanced up. His eloquent eyes would haunt her until…

The first chapter opens this way . . .

Middleston, Kent, England

July 2009

Sometimes Laura Yager could tell if they would get on just by comparing which newspapers they read. A contemporary short cut which must be tempered with time-honoured discernment. Would it work for Xandra Radcliffe?

Xandra, due in the agency any minute now, would have to wait to meet ‘Mr Right’. Once again, Matt Redfern, a possible ‘Mr Very Right’, was away on business just when he was needed. He wasn’t an easy client; despite having been introduced to dozens of possible matches, none seemed to be the one he was looking for. She had the feeling he was concealing something; perhaps she didn’t know him well enough. Yet she ought to; she owed him so much. Along with all the support he had given her when she first arrived, he had said something which profoundly affected her thoughts. She remembered the moment he had said it. She could see him now, sitting in a high-backed leather chair with one leg propped up on the other, ankle to knee; so relaxed. She hadn’t known him long and yet he’d gone right to the heart of the matter. Yes, heart. ‘I’ve heard that when you are near death, it’s not the things you have done that you regret but more often the things you’ve left undone.’ She’d focused on his blood-red socks as, initially, she’d thought him wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yes for me

Both the prologue (this is the complete prologue, by the way) succeeded in raising story questions for me. The voice and writing are good, though there are some punctuation things I’d changed and “short cut” should be “shortcut,” and that looooong paragraph in the opening chapter needs to be broken up—I’d suggest here: “Yet she ought to . . .” The topic changes there for a natural  break.

I should note that while the last part of the chapter opening seems like it’s slipping into backstory, it’s not—it is a good use of a “mini-flashback” to raise a story question that applies to the current situation. Nice work.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kay --would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions—a couple of clever writers have sent submissions, but there’s a need for more. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please join the queue by emailing your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Kay has sent this first chapter of The Wanderers.

Rhanee stood on top of the bare knoll watching the solitary dark cloud gliding towards her. The landscape around her was bathed in a delicate pink hue as a crimson half moon followed its pale, white counterpart over the jagged rim of the mountain looming before her.

She shielded her eyes as she swung around and glanced down the slope, gauging the distance to the hut at the base of the hill, and safety. She turned back and scanned the sky, her eyes opening a little wider when she realised how quickly the cloud had closed the gap between them.

She flicked her long, auburn plait over her shoulder as the cold shadow approached. The leading edge reared up and long, thin tentacles extended towards her. A moment before they reached their quarry, a glassy bubble appeared, encompassing the girl. Undaunted, feelers of mist began to creep around the barrier, seeking a way through.

Be brave, she thought to herself. This is the only way I’m going to find out what these are. Her young face set in a determined grimace as she braced her shoulders and released the barrier. Her legs began to tremble as the cloud descended and wrapped around her. Wave after wave of despair began to wrack her slight frame. 

She clenched her teeth and forced trembling arms above her head in appeal. “What are you? Where did you come from?” she shouted into the writhing mass, her voice breaking on a (snip)

Yes, but there’s work to be done

Good job on raising a strong story question and the other basic elements, and the writing is clean, too. I think the narrative could benefit by truly becoming close third person and giving more of what happens from within her point of view. There’s a little bit of overwriting, too, that could come out to help with pace. This is a scene of danger and an unknown conflict, and it shouldn’t dawdle. Notes:

Rhanee stood on top of the bare knoll, watching the solitary dark cloud gliding glide towards her. The landscape around her was bathed in a delicate pink hue as a crimson half moon followed its pale, white counterpart over the jagged rim of the mountain looming before her. Nice way to set the scene and let us know that she’s on another world.

She shielded her eyes as she swung around and glanced down the slope, gauging the distance to the hut at the base of the hill, and safety. She turned back and scanned the sky, her eyes opening a little wider widening when she realised how quickly the cloud had closed the gap between them. There’s really no contribution the shielding of eyes and swinging around make, to my eye. Just keep the story moving without unessential details. Everything must count, especially on the first page.

She flicked her long, auburn plait over her shoulder as the cold shadow approached. The leading edge reared up and long, thin tentacles extended towards her. A moment before they reached their quarry Rhanee, she enveloped herself with a shield. a glassy bubble appeared, encompassing the girl. Undaunted, feelers of mist began to creep around the glassy bubble barrier, seeking a way through. I did a little rewriting here to show how to put this action in the mind of the character, not those of the author describing what happens from a distance. In addition, to have a close third person pov, the character shouldn’t do, think, feel, or know anything she wouldn’t ordinarily. She would ordinarily only think of flicking her braid over her shoulder, not its length or color. Those details are an author intrusion.

Be brave, she thought to herself. This is the only way I’m going to find out what these are. Her young face set in a determined grimace She frowned with determination as she braced her shoulders and released the barrier. Her legs began to tremble trembled as the cloud descended and wrapped around her. Wave after wave of despair began to wrack her slight frame.  More thoughtstarters to shift this from author pov to character. She can’t see her “young face” set in an expression, it’s the author dishing out information. Nor would she think of her “slight frame” as the attack commenced.

She clenched her teeth and forced trembling arms above her head in appeal. “What are you? Where did you come from?” she shouted into the writhing mass, her voice breaking on a (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

FtQ Tidbits

A writer sent me a notice of a website called Chainbooks that seems to be sort of a “crowd authoring” site. If you’ve the time, it could be entertaining and a way to exercise your writing muscles.  Here’s what they told me:

Chainbooks.com is a relatively new website. The idea behind it is that the authors for the site write chapter 1 of a book. Someone else writes chapter 2. A third person chapter 3 and so on until the book is complete at 24 chapters. There’s no pay involved, but it’s a pretty fun process and the books, when completed, get published so every writer can say they are then a published author.

Let us know, with a link, if you write a chapter.

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Call for Submissions—just 1 submission left in the bin. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Call for Questions—as an alternative, please send any questions you might have about writing, self-editing, self-publishing, book design, etc. An email is fine, or just use comments. Thanks.

For what it's worth.

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joseph--would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions—just 1 submission left in the bin. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

A Question for You—do you have any questions or topics that you'd like to see a little talk about? For example, book design--covers, print interiors, ebook interiors, using Word, etc.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Joseph has sent this first chapter.

The pungent skunk stench of pot lingered with the stench of engine oil, grease, and sweat. A burrito carcass lay exposed on top of a rolling tool cabinet. Behind the cars, the trucks, the tools, angry eyes shot forward, following James Conrad as he entered the garage of the tire store. Two men stood to his right, a third man was in front of him, and the fourth man stood to his left, closest to the office. Any or all of them could easily draw their weapons and fire at the gringo with the huge huevos and the huge cowboy hat covering his red hair. All of them would be easily blocked from his return fire.

Smack in the center of the kill zone “Four in here. Maybe more in the back,” he called to his partner. No answer. Kestrel was gone.

James smiled to the mechanics and stuck a piece of gum in his mouth. For good measure, he removed his shades and revealed an icy blue stare. For better measure, he held up his U.S. Marshal’s badge in one hand and unbuttoned his jacket with the other, exposing the holstered Beretta. He was alone, outmanned, and his shooting hand felt like it was on fire. Everything was on schedule. “Walsh. Donde esta?” he said to the mechanics.

The mechanic to his left, behind a tool cabinet, shook his head and said, “Mr. Walsh not here.” His hands were too close to a cabinet drawer for James’s comfort.

Yes, but with clarity concerns

The story questions and the writing were strong enough to get me to turn the page, but then the writing has some issues, too. Generally, I liked the voice, but there are some point-of-view issues, little ones. I think the first paragraph should be broken up and rewritten. But I like the way the promise of action and the jeopardy have been set up. Notes:

The pungent skunk stench of pot lingered with the stench of engine oil, grease, and sweat. A burrito carcass lay exposed on top of a rolling tool cabinet. Behind the cars, the trucks, the tools, angry eyes shot forward, following James Conrad as he entered the garage of the tire store. Two men stood to his right, a third man was in front of him, and the fourth man stood to his left, closest to the office. Any or all of them could easily draw their weapons and fire at the gringo with the huge huevos and the huge cowboy hat covering his red hair. All of them would be easily blocked from his return fire. When I first read this, I thought that James was accompanied by four men, though it turns out he is alone and is confronting four men. The problem lies in the unclear antecedent in the “Two men stood…” sentence. A paragraph break might have helped, but this paragraph needs to be reworked for clarity. And other things. I don’t care for the idea of sets of eyes leaving heads to shoot forward. Why not keep it simple? For example (and this would clear up the confusion element): Behind the cars, the trucks, the tools, four men scowled at James Conrad as he entered the tire-store garage. In addition, I first read “huevos” to mean what it usually means—eggs—and then later realized that the usage was the colloquial one meaning “balls.” And there’s repetition of “huge” in the sentence. I would recommend against this usage in the opening paragraph—you may lose readers. If you can’t define the term in context, then do something else. This is also a distant point of view, not the close third that follows. While this can be done, I urge you to rewrite this in James’s point of view and let the reader experience what he experiences instead of a movie-style establishing shot. For example, he smells pot when he enters—how does he react to/feel about that? Would it maybe give him confidence to be facing stoned thugs?

Smack in the center of the kill zone “Four in here. Maybe more in the back,” he called to his partner. No answer. Kestrel was gone.

James smiled to at the mechanics and stuck a piece of gum in his mouth. For good measure, he removed his shades and revealed an icy blue stare. For better measure, he held up his U.S. Marshal’s badge in one hand and unbuttoned his jacket with the other, exposing the holstered Beretta. He was alone, outmanned, and his shooting hand felt like it was on fire. Everything was on schedule. “Walsh. Donde esta?” he said to the mechanics. The bit about the icy blue stare is stepping out of the close-third-person point of view that is clearly established. I like the “everything was on schedule” line—gave a twist to the scene.

The mechanic to his left, behind a tool cabinet, shook his head and said, “Mr. Walsh not here.” His hands were too close to a cabinet drawer for James’s comfort. Directional description such as left and right are often not useful. The salient point here is the tool cabinet, not the location.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Karen --would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions—just 2 submissions left in the bin. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Call for Questions—as an alternative, please send any questions you might have about writing, self-editing, self-publishing, book design, etc. An email would be fine, or just use comments. Thanks.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Karen has sent a new first chapter for My Friend Mike.

He wore the dark blue uniform of a Cincinnati cop; long-sleeved and he must have been hot, but I didn’t notice any sweat. I knew it was hot outside because I remembered seeing ninety degrees for a high in Cincinnati, but I couldn’t recall where or when I’d seen that. He held a small notepad in one hand and a short pencil in the other. I saw a holstered gun at his hip, and a radio and nightstick and handcuffs and who knew what else was hanging on that belt.

I smiled at him and said, “Come in,” so he walked across the room and stood at the foot of my bed.

“Well,” he said to me, “you’re talking today. That’s good.” I gathered from that statement that he’d tried to talk to me sometime before today, which was odd, considering the fact that I didn’t remember him.

At all.

 “Do you remember me?” he asked, which I also thought was odd, considering the fact that I’d just been thinking that very thing.

“Odd,” I said.

“Pardon?”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry. I don’t remember you.”

Close, but  . . .

The writing and voice are good, and there is some suspense in the fact that the character doesn’t remember a policeman who seems to think that he should. But there’s a key piece of information missing that should have been included in the scene-setting—the character (she) is in a hospital room. That would increase the motivation to turn the page for me.

But there was more material later that would be even stronger. For example, this little exchange after the cop gives her her Miranda rights:

The cop said, “You don’t have to speak to me. You can wait for your attorney.”

“My attorney? Do I need one?”

“You definitely need one. Do you have one?”

Or this one:

“Do you remember calling 9-1-1 last night?”

I closed my eyes and tried to remember, but I couldn’t. Last night was a total blank; in fact, yesterday was a total blank.

I think the opening could get there. I’d trim the opening description of the cop—those details can come later if needed—and set the scene in the hospital room, and try to get in the two elements I just mentioned, or something like that. It turns out that she was discovered sitting on the floor, badly beaten, next to her murdered stepfather and a knife, and has no memory whatsoever. There was really good stuff in the chapter, it just needs, in my view, to put this woman in jeopardy of some kind on the first page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Do your stories enthrall?

That was the headline of a Storyworld Conference Newsletter that I recently received. Some definitions:

Enthrall: to hold spellbound

Spellbound: held by or as if by a spell

Spell: a state of enchantment

Here at FtQ I talk about making a first page “compelling,” and I think I’m going for pretty much the same thing—note the common element in the first two definitions is the idea of “holding.” That is, not letting go. Which amounts to compulsion.

Our first pages need to hold, to not let go. Okay, so what can give them the power to do that? Is it just one thing, or a combination? I think it can be one thing, but the best stories combine aspects of a story to achieve enthrallment.

I submit that raising meaningful story questions is the primary reader-holder. I included “meaningful” because, if nothing about the questions of the story touches the reader in a way that means something to him, then it’s not going to happen.

But how do you make story questions meaningful? They are provoked by what happens in the story, and you can think of that as plot, but in reality nothing happens in a story unless a character makes it happen. Character, to my mind, is the cause of what happens.

So a character that somehow touches or engages the reader is a fundamental ingredient for enthralling a reader. That doesn’t mean it has to be a likeable character, just a fascinating one.

The third prime element that can work a spell on a reader is voice. As an example of an opening page that I think does all three things well (it definitely enthralled me) is from The Hunger Games. What follows is what would be the first 17 lines in manuscript form:

When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold. My fingers stretch out, seeking Prim’s warmth but finding only the rough canvas cover of the mattress. She must have had bad dreams and climbed in with our mother. Of course, she did. This is the day of the reaping.

I prop myself up on one elbow. There’s enough light in the bedroom to see them. My little sister, Prim, curled up on her side, cocooned in my mother’s body, their cheeks pressed together. In sleep, my mother looks younger, still worn but not so beaten-down. Prim’s face is as fresh as a raindrop, as lovely as the primrose for which she was named. My mother was very beautiful once, too. Or so they tell me.

Sitting at Prim’s knees, guarding her, is the world’s ugliest cat. Mashed-in nose, half of one ear missing, eyes the color of rotting squash. Prim named him Buttercup, insisting that his muddy yellow coat matched the bright flower. He hates me. Or at least distrusts me. Even though it was years ago, I think he still remembers how I tried to drown him in a bucket when Prim brought him home. Scrawny kitten, belly swollen with worms, crawling with fleas. The last thing I needed was another mouth to feed. But Prim begged so hard, cried even, I had to let him stay. It turned out okay. My mother got rid of the vermin and he’s a born mouser. Even catches the occasional rat. Sometimes, when I clean a kill, I feed Buttercup the entrails. He has stopped hissing at me.

The first paragraph starts the story questions: what is the reaping? It must be a bad thing that happens if it causes bad dreams.

The second connects me with the character, with someone who thinks lovingly of her sister and her mother. She cares. And another story question whispers: why does the mother look beaten-down?

The third really delivers on character. While it does leave “story” for a while, it is a mini-story that tells us more about the primary character—tough, but not unwilling to give ground for a loved one. And there’s a bit of humor, for me, with the way the character describes Buttercup as the world’s ugliest cat. And the matter-of-fact way she mentions that he has stopped hissing at her. Humor and character at the same time.

I suspect we would all be better writers and far more successful at latching onto our readers if we were cold-bloodedly severe in judging our storytelling, especially on that key first page.

For what it’s worth.

Speaking of enthralling stories, my 4-for-the-price-of-1 offer is still going.

All best,

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Ann --would you turn the page?

Call for Submissions—just 3 submissions left in the bin. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Ann has sent the first chapter of The War.

We’d been across the river canning and I’d pegged an old Poor man with my last can of Jim’s Eats. He hadn’t dodged fast enough; the can got him good, sliced his head right open. Blood poured down over his eyes and he staggered, then tripped and fell to the sidewalk.

When he got hit, the kid with him started to go to him but the old man took one hand away from his wound and pointed to the cans on the ground. The kid scurried around gathering up the cans we’d thrown and stuffing them into his little Spidey-man backpack. We drove off laughing.

Liam and I, anyway, were laughing. Chase was hung out over the side of my car, looking pretty green. I told him not to puke on my car.

“Sam,” he said, “I don’t think I want to can any more. We’re out of cans, let’s just stop for today.”

“Since when do I care what you think? We’re going across the river to get more cans and then we’re coming back. To can.”

 

Liam had parked us nose-in in front of the pharmacy, the one that stocks Jim’s Eats. Chase sat in the passenger seat, his shoulders all hunched over and his head hanging down. The little whiner. Chase could throw, he had an arm that could’ve gotten him a place on the Academy baseball team. But he didn’t have the right attitude. Seeing that mix of fear and hunger on the (snip)

Mixed reactions = no.

The writing is fine and the voice good. There’s a clear sense of character here—but this opening didn’t raise any strong story questions for me about the character and what was in store for him. The hint of “world” was good, but there was much more interesting stuff later. I’ll show you a bit in a moment.

I wonder about the tense used in the opening sentence—why  not simple past tense? For example:

We were across the river canning, and I pegged an old Poor man with my last can of Jim’s Eats.

Now here’s a modified piece from later that I think could make a good start on a more compelling opening page. Note that this is only 12 lines of narrative (that could be shortened), so there’s enough space to introduce what this has to do with the protagonist and introduce a story question--it could have to do with the fact that this character expects to get his Halo on his upcoming 16th birthday. Or, even better, something happens that prevents him from getting it. What do you think?

I knew the Halo running toward us, agilely dodging the occasional pedestrian, leaping over rustic planters heaped with exotic blooms specially bred in greenhouses. I drew my breath in so hard my chest hurt.

He used to be Old Mr. Hunter, a white-haired creepy old fart who came to my dad’s parties and shuffled around with the help of a walker. What was the point of being rich if you’re a wrinkled mess of drooping flesh and loose skin? When I was younger I thought the wrinkles on his hands looked like the trails of tiny malignant worms crawling about beneath his skin, eating away at him until he died.

Then Old Mr. Hunter got one of the first Haloes, not the very first - my mom got one of the very first and she died. It was mostly my fault. My dad thinks so too.

But Old Mr. Hunter’s Haloing worked perfectly and now he’s young Mr. Hunter. He doesn’t need his walker any more and his skin looks just like mine.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Stella --would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Stella has sent a rewrite of the first chapter of The Male Amendment. It’s very different from the original.

Keep moving.

That worked most of the time. So did going to karate class on days the dreams came. I went almost every evening. Tonight was no different.

I made dinner. A tuna sandwich and some nuked water in the microwave for tea. I headed to the only chair in the place; a plastic lawn chair on the balcony. Setting the plate and mug on the chair, I headed back to the fridge for some mustard. I scratched at my left wrist but forced myself to stop.

I’d reached the fridge when a loud crash sent me diving to the floor. My heart pounded like it was trying to escape my ribs. I covered my head waiting for the mortar rubble to fall. The desert sand in my mouth tasted like it had so many times before, dust and grit.

A wail of pain made me forget my panic.

This wasn’t a desert. This was my apartment. The crash had come from Mrs. Bateman’s place next door.

I pushed off the floor and ran out into the hall and banged on her door.

“Mrs. Bateman? Are you all right?”  I jammed my ear against the painted wood.

I listened, held my breath and strained to hear anything, even the buzzing of light bulbs.

“Help. I-I can’t move,” the plea was full of wobbly fear.

Yep

All the elements are here—setting, character, an immediate scene, story questions, and voice.  The character is sympathetic—troubled, but reacting instantly to someone else’s problem. The writing is good and clean, but there are a couple of notes:

Keep moving.

That worked most of the time. So did going to karate class on days the dreams came. I went almost every evening. Tonight was no different.

I made dinner. A tuna sandwich and some nuked water in the microwave for tea. I headed to the only chair in the place; a plastic lawn chair on the balcony. Setting the plate and mug on the chair, I headed back to the fridge for some mustard. I scratched at my left wrist but forced myself to stop. For me, a slight logical inconsistency: if I were making a sandwich, I would put all the ingredients on then—why add mustard to a tuna sandwich later? I understand that the narrative wants to put the food down so that the next action can happen, but this isn’t credible to me. Why not just have the crash happen and the character hit the floor, spilling the food and tea? That makes it even more dramatic and reflexive.

I’d reached the fridge when a loud crash sent me diving to the floor. My heart pounded like it was trying to escape my ribs. I covered my head waiting for the mortar rubble to fall. The desert sand in my mouth tasted like it had so many times before, dust and grit. Nice way to introduce character and the veteran experience.

A wail of pain made me forget my panic. For me, this is a bit too dry and removed, a “telling.” Where is the pain? Is it physical or mental? It’s not clear how pain could make the character forget the panic.

This wasn’t a desert. This was my apartment. The crash had come from Mrs. Bateman’s place next door.

I pushed off the floor and ran out into the hall and banged on her door.

“Mrs. Bateman? Are you all right?”  I jammed my ear against the painted wood. I would delete “painted.” I appreciate the need to avoid repeating “door,” though.

I listened, held my breath and strained to hear anything, even the buzzing of light bulbs.

“Help. I-I can’t move,.” the The plea was full of wobbly fear.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Why all the fuss about the first page?

In my workshops on Crafting a Killer First Page, I often see people choose to turn the page even if there are serious storytelling or writing issues. They’re just being “regular” readers, and can’t adapt a pro’s ability to scan a first page and decide right then and there whether it’s worth a page-turn. In addition to a lack of experience, they’re being generous. There’s no generosity in the offices of agents and editors when it comes to spending their valuable time sifting through submissions for the good stuff.

FtQ readers are better at it, I think, but still let many pass that I don’t think a publishing professional would accept.

Here’s what pros realize that amateurs often don’t— your first page foreshadows your entire novel. Put simply, if it’s gold, then the pro knows that there’s more gold ahead. And gold is the only thing that will work with professionals.

If an opening page contains grammatical errors and clumsy language, forget about it. That’s the basic requirement. Pros know that the manuscript will continue that way.

If it starts with backstory, a pro sees instantly a lack of a grasp of the need to capture a reader immediately. That lack signals an unprofessional manuscript that will likely fail.

If nothing happens on that first page—no action or conflict—a pro expects more of the same for pages and pages, and knows that a reader won’t buy that book.

But if you open with a scene in progress with action, dialogue, description, and a story question on the first page, a pro will stay with you.

If you open with over-description of a setting, especially to the expense of including action or raising a story question, the pro knows that there’s more slogging ahead—and they don’t have time or energy to slog.

But if your opening description is crisp and experiential, if it characterizes as well as visualizes the scene, you’ll be promising more of what a pro wants to see.

If the opening has no tension caused by raising at least one story question, well, why would anyone read on? Examine your first 16-17 lines to see if they do that. If not, revise until it does.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Antonia--would you turn the page?

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Call for Submissions—just 3 submissions left in the bin. If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email to me re the directions below.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Antonia has sent the prologue and first chapter of Strange Bodies.

Prologue:

The bodies of the Richardsons had been hanging from the giant fig tree for two days and nights and the flying, creeping, crawling and burrowing inhabitants of the bush had wasted no time in finding a new home.

A strong gust of wind blowing through the secluded rainforest was enough to set them swaying and twisting in a macabre dance that disturbed their new inhabitants not at all. Small animals, lizards, ants and assorted bugs foraging for their sustenance had lapped greedily at the juices that slowly dripped and oozed and trickled their way down from the strange bodies.

As the unnaturally entwined pair spun and swayed slowly there was, from time to time, a flash of light from the blackened fingers of what had once been a woman and a glint of gold from the wrist of what had once been a man.

A hungry kookaburra tugged at stray entrails that dangled like long juicy worms. The tantalising smell of putrid flesh had attracted many more creatures of the bush and the discordant hum and incessant buzz of a thousand or more blowflies and other insects filled the air, but there was no one there to hear it.

Not yet.

Chapter 1

At six in the morning, Sydney sweltered, the outside temperature reaching thirty-five degrees already. At forty-five, sky shields would unfurl, but for now the November sun blazed nakedly from the cloudless eastern horizon.

Awakened far too early, Verity Burne stared at her skydome, mildly annoyed that she'd forgotten to opaque it the night before. She imagined she could feel the sting of the sun, though the cooling system of the house worked as efficiently as always. She considered darkening the room and getting another hour's sleep. She didn't recall having a nightmare; they hadn't lasted for long after Terry died. Ruthlessly, she pushed any thought of him away.

Today she decided to make an early start, catch up on some research. Little more needed to be done on the Coopers for their appearance on the chat show this Friday night, but a lot more research was needed on Gerald and Roberta Richardson for the following week's show.

What she'd uncovered about the Richardsons and their fabulous Ice Queen diamond intrigued her, but they were a real puzzle. According to the available information, they were from South Africa but she was having trouble confirming that, running into unexpected blocks during her searches. The magazine article she'd written about Roberta Richardson's jewellery had been sparse on personal details, and the Richardsons had refused to allow (snip)

Yes and No

Nice writing throughout, and I liked the voice. As for turning the page, the prologue gets a yes from me, particularly because of the cliffhanger “Not yet.” I wanted to know what had happened to them, and what was coming. I would not, however, do it in italics--plain text is just fine.

But not so much the chapter. It introduces us to an interesting future world and the protagonist. I enjoyed the scene-setting and brief taste of the new world, and the text did allude to the people whose bodies were in the prologue—but then nothing much happens on this page and in the rest of the chapter. We don’t know what this mystery means to the protagonist, nor are there any stakes apparent, or trouble ahead for her. In the rest of the chapter, she gets up and gets dressed. I think the story needs to start later, when something happens to disturb her life.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey