Hey, take a minute and do this poll on what FtQ readers are doing these days.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Terry has sent the opening chapter for The Gift of Gold.
She'll be sorry.
Percy Marsden set the pistol down on the arm of the chair and reached for the bottle. He poured another generous glass, spilling some but not caring. As he put the bottle back on the table, the shower upstairs shut off, and the pipes shuddered. He looked up and imagined his wife's progress from the shower to her make-up table.
JoAnn turned heads, with or without make-up, with or without clothes, come to that, as too many men knew. Percy drank the scotch and wondered how long their marriage had been a sham. Wouldn't matter in a few minutes.
She'll be sorry.
Finally, he heard her coming down the stairs, and he put his glass down, picked up the pistol and focused on the doorway. He gulped in several breaths and put the barrel of the pistol in his mouth.
She would stop, look in the room and gape as she figured out what he was about to do. That would give her an image to mull over, something to go with the gift he was leaving her and Daddy.
But she passed by in a blur -- dark hair, light blue sundress, tan leather shoulder (snip)
Yes for me
There’s no missing the primary story question, and I wanted to know whether or not he would do it. This opening page led to a twist on what you might think will happen, and the promise of an interesting story about strong characters. Nice job, Terry. Notes:
She'll be sorry.
Percy Marsden set the pistol down on the arm of the chair and reached for the bottle. He poured another generous glass of Scotch, spilling some but not caring. As he put the bottle back on the table, the shower upstairs shut off, and the pipes shuddered. He looked up at the ceiling and imagined his wife's progress from the shower to her make-up table. First edit: a touch of overwriting that could be condensed as shown. Words on an opening page are precious: don’t waste a one. The second edit was more of the same, a detail that just doesn’t contribute to story--nor to the hook you need to plant in the reader.
JoAnn turned heads, with or without make-up, with or without clothes, come to that, as too many men knew. Percy drank the scotch and wondered how long their marriage had been a sham. Wouldn't matter in a few minutes. Note: as in the addition above, “scotch” is capitalized
She'll be sorry.
Finally, he He heard her coming down the stairs, and he put his glass down, picked up the pistol and focused on the doorway. He gulped in several breaths and put the barrel of the pistol in his mouth.
She would stop, look in the room and gape as she figured out what he was about to do. That would give her an image to mull over, something to go with the gift he was leaving her and Daddy. I like the inclusion of “Daddy” here--promises more story elements.
But she passed by in a blur -- dark hair, light blue sundress, tan leather shoulder (snip) Clarity issue here: we have the idea that she just left the shower--even the “finally” I cut doesn’t hint that enough time has passed for her to get dressed and made up. Easily fixed: just turn “Finally” into something that gives us the idea. Thoughtstarter: Thirty minutes and one more glass of Scotch later, he heard her high heels tap down the stairs . . . etc. I just threw in the high heels to give the reader more sensual elements, in this case sound, to help realize the scene.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey