Hey, take a minute and do this poll on what FtQ readers are doing these days.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Mike has sent a revision of his prologue for FLAGSHIP! RIVEN DAWN.
Kate rifled through the kitchen drawer searching for the butcher knife. Her right cheek throbbed in pain with each hammering heartbeat. Her right eye had swollen shut.
Patrick screamed from upstairs, a frightened keen she’d never heard in his one year of life.
From Patrick’s bedroom Luke shouted, his voice slurred. “Shut the fuck up!” Her baby’s shrieks erupted in heightened terror.
Breathless, Kate found the knife. She clenched the hilt and sprinted up the stairs.
“Mommy’s coming, Patrick!”
***
Sprawled across the threadbare carpet runner on the hallway floor, Major Luke Winslow, USMC, revived to the stench of his vomit. His groin still ached from Kate’s kick. A painful lump blossomed on his left temple. When he lifted his face out of the fetid goo, intense pressure steamed inside his head. He tried to get up, but a sharp catch in the left side of his chest seized his breath. He slumped back to the floor.
In a few minutes the pain eased, and Luke struggled into a sitting position. Cradling his throbbing head between his hands, he looked around, his vision a blurry fog. The door to Patrick's bedroom was shut.
Yes
With strong action, good writing, and strong story questions, I definitely wanted to know what happened to Kate and her little boy, and what happens after Luke awakens. Good work. However, Mike, I think you should label this “Chapter 1” and not Prologue. I know that your current chapter starts years later, but a simple time transition would take care of that. The reason for the change is that many agents--and readers, too--skip prologues. Yours is a solid chapter 14 pages long and ends with a suspenseful story question. Nice work. Brief notes:
Kate rifled through the kitchen drawer searching for the butcher knife. Her right cheek throbbed in pain with each hammering heartbeat. Her right eye had swollen shut.
Patrick screamed from upstairs, a frightened keen she’d never heard in his one year of life.
From Patrick’s bedroom Luke shouted, his voice slurred. “Shut the fuck up!” Her baby’s shrieks erupted in heightened terror. For me, the last sentence is a little too passive, and “heightened” seems like a soft word. This is an action scene, and better served by quick, short, impactful sentences. For example, that last sentence could do the job with: Her baby shrieked even louder.
Breathless, Kate found the knife. She clenched the hilt and sprinted up the stairs.
“Mommy’s coming, Patrick!”
***
Sprawled across the threadbare carpet runner on the hallway floor, Major Luke Winslow, USMC, revived to the stench of his vomit. His groin still ached from Kate’s kick. A painful lump blossomed on his left temple. When he lifted his face out of the fetid goo, intense pressure steamed inside his head. He tried to get up, but a sharp catch in the left side of his chest seized his breath. He slumped back to the floor. Unless a specific of “left” or “right” is key to the story, I’m in favor of leaving them out because the reader will still see what you want them to see in their own way. For example, if I write: He picked up the bottle. you will visualize which hand he used without me saying so. If I need to have him use the other hand, it’s as simple as saying With his other hand, he reached for a glass. and you won’t have any trouble “seeing” the action--and I haven’t cluttered the narrative with useless words. In case you're wondering, I did think that the use of "right" for her swollen eye did work, and it could relate to accusing Luke of assault if he is left-handed.
In a few minutes the pain eased, and Luke struggled into a sitting position. Cradling his throbbing head between his hands, he looked around, his vision a blurry fog. The door to Patrick's bedroom was shut.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey