The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Greg has sent his opening chapter for Sweet Little Sheila.
The ringtone was “Sweet Little Sheila.” David smiled. “Hey beautiful, how are you?”
Sheila whimpered, “David, help me.”
“What’s wrong Sheila?” She only sobbed. “Come on honey, calm down, talk to me.”
She cried, “He beat me!”
“Ah, Jesus! Have you called the police? Do you need to go to a hospital?”
“No, I don’t think I need a hospital, and I haven’t called the police. David, I’m afraid. You’re the only one I trust.”
He was flattered; he hadn’t seen her in two years. “Alright. Where are you?”
“West Hollywood.”
He could hear traffic noise in the background. “Are you driving?”
“Yes.”
“Alright Sheila, listen to me very carefully. The first thing I want you to do is roll up your windows, lock your doors, then pull over and stop in a public, well-lit place. Stay on the phone and keep the engine running. Okay?”
“Okay, just a minute.”
While he waited for her to find a place to stop, David turned to his desktop computer and (snip)
Yes, but . . .
The story question--what will happen to this abused woman?--was good enough for me to turn the page, but this could be stronger. And then I realized that there was a real clarity issue.
The way David answers the phone in the first paragraph had me thinking that he knew who was calling because of the ringtone. But that isn’t possible--the ringtone is what he put on his phone, it’s not coming from hers. So why would he smile and answer that way?
A word of advice, Greg--on the next page you give turn-by-turn driving directions to Sheila for A WHOLE PAGE. You’d have lost me there, for sure. Use summary--eg. He told her how to get to the Roberts’s house and then said, …etc. Notes:
The ringtone was “Sweet Little Sheila.” David smiled. “Hey, beautiful, how are you?” As noted, how does he know this is Sheila? It could be caller ID on the screen of his cell phone, but the ringtone wouldn’t be a clue because that’s what he put on his own phone. If he hasn’t seen her in two years, he does need a clue as to who is calling so that his greeting and identifying her in the next paragraph makes sense. You could change the ringtone line to something such as: His phone’s screen said Sheila. David smiled. “Hey, beautiful…etc.”
Sheila whimpered, “David, help me.”
“What’s wrong Sheila?” She only sobbed. “Come on honey, calm down, talk to me.” We know that it’s Sheila, and people almost never use the name of the person they’re talking to in conversation unless it’s to emphasize something. That isn’t the case here.
She cried, “He beat me!”
“Ah, Jesus! Have you called the police? Do you need to go to a hospital?”
“No, I don’t think I need a hospital, and I haven’t called the police. David, I’m afraid. You’re the only one I trust.”
He was flattered; he hadn’t seen her in two years. “Alright. Where are you?” “He was flattered” is a bit of “telling.” Can you show it with an emotion from him? The feeling her statement aroused?
“West Hollywood.”
He could hear traffic noise in the background. “Are you driving?” Big opportunity to increase the tension here. It turns out he’s 450 miles away--and she needs rescue now. Add some internal dialogue to deepen the problem. Thoughtstarter: after she says “West Hollywood.”, instead of the non-productive detail of hearing traffic noise, he could think: Damn, 450 miles away. It would take eight hours to get there. “Are you driving?”
“Yes.”
“Alright Sheila, listen to me very carefully. The first thing I want you to do is rRoll up your windows, lock your doors, then pull over and stop in a public, well-lit place. Stay on the phone and keep the engine running. Okay?” another unnecessary use of her name.
“Okay, just a minute.” This isn’t necessary, and sucks up another line of narrative when you need to make every one count.
While he waited for her to find a place to stop, David turned to his desktop computer and (snip) no need to specify “desktop”--it doesn’t really matter. And, to be contemporary, he could use his smart phone or an iPad to do his map look-up. For that matter, I think you could just use summary here and cut to the next important stuff. For example, using the thought mentioned earlier: After she’d pulled over, he told her how to get to the Roberts’s house and then said, …etc. In one short line you’ve avoided killing pace and tension with details that don’t matter to the story and suck the urgency out of the narrative.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey