Today launches a new FtQ feature: I'll post reviews authors send me of their published books. Lexi Revellian sent the following round of appluase for her book, Replica. Lexi is in Britain.
The story starts off looking like it might be more of a science fiction book than a thriller. Beth, the main character, is an ordinary secretary who ends up slightly pressured by her boss, the professor, to try out his 'replication' machine. Initially nothing seems to have happened and so she goes home without giving the experiment a second thought. But unbeknownst to her, another Beth has been unintentionally created - an exact human copy. 'Beth 2' has the same memories, experiences and feelings as the original Beth.
Once you get that bit out of the way in the first chapter or so, the book is all about the second Beth's need to survive and her development from being an anxious-to-please person to someone far more gritty and tough.
Beth2 should not exist, and so her security service creators go all out to try and kill her. In chapter after chapter you get to know the character as she struggles to outwit and outrun her pursuers. As time goes by you see her as a normal human being who has the same right as everyone else to survive and live their life.
*end of spoiler*
When I downloaded this book I was unfamiliar with the author, namely Lexi Revellian so I wasn't sure what it was going to be like. I need not have worried as I was enthralled from start to finish. I read it in two long sessions and although it was a fine length I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed as I reached the end - I really didn't want to finish this one. The plot is imaginative and the characters and dialogue worked, drawing me into the story.
The only very minor criticism is that everything was resolved just a little too fast for my taste - but as mentioned above, that might have been down to the fact that I didn't want it to end!
An excellent, enjoyable read. I certainly plan to download Ms Revellian's other books as I anticipate they will be just as original and well written.
If you would like to share a review of your book, here are some guidelines:
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jane has sent a revision of the opening of The Next Sixty Days.
Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But, I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair.
“Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a business”.
“What business?”
“A photography service. I believe he called it ‘Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied.
“He did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle.
When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that the shelves along the front wall shook and four of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her broke and alone. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying.
In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf (snip)
Could be stronger, I think
Jane has tightened the narrative and I like the writing. There is tension here, and story questions are raised. But I think it could be stronger yet. I’m going to try to edit out enough to add in a couple of lines that I think will add to the character and help the reader understand the trouble she’s in--the additional part, taken from later in the chapter, will be in non-italicized blue. There's another poll to vote on whether there's improvement or not. Nice work. Notes:
Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But, I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair.This really doesn’t add much and takes up words.
“Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a photography service a business.”.
“What business?”
“A photography service? . I believe he called it ‘Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied.
“He bought did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. I like the tadpole analogy.
When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor from the shelves along the front wall shook andfour of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her with nothingbroke and alone. I changed the line to avoid repetition of “broke.”
No one in Midland was hiring, especially an unskilled, minimally educated, thirty pounds over-weight, forty-four year-old housewife/widow who stammered when asked to recite her personal assets. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying.
In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf (snip) "vinegary" is a nice detail touch
Because this is so chopped up with edits, here’s the result, along with additional narrative added to the first lines that the editing made room for:
Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.”
“Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a photography service.”
“A service? He bought some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle.
When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor from the shelves along the front wall. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her with nothing.
No one in Midland was hiring, especially an unskilled, minimally educated, thirty pounds over-weight, forty-four year-old housewife/widow who stammered when asked to recite her personal assets. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying.
In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf before she sprawled on the couch, snatched a letter from the pile and began to read.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Eddie has sent the opening of Perception Shift.
Scott watched the warm pacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he was the type to believe in signs he would see this as an omen.
She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine.
This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him.
Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed.
The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in.
Yes, but . . .
This opening did a good-enough job of raising story questions--who is the woman, why is she following him, what mess is he is--to get me to turn the page. The writing is clean as well--but I think this could be stronger.
It feels distant to me, as if this protagonist was writing a report. Much of the information seems to be coming from the author, not the character. It has a dry quality that’s not lively. I urge Eddie to dig into the character’s experience and help us to share that. For example, employ more senses--it turns out the character is in a bar looking down on a busy market in Mexico. There would be smells, and noise--but that’s not here. There’s some “telling” in the narrative that could be showing/experiencing instead. By the way, if he’s in a bar above the market looking down, how would he know that this woman is following him? This is a logic problem that Eddie needs to clear up. Notes:
Scott watched the warm pacificPacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he were was the type to believe in signs, he would see this as an omen. "food wrapper" is vague and generic--specifics create reality. Make it a candy wrapper or something that would be typical of a Mexican marketplace. I wonder if it would be good to give a little more of why this could be an open. Thoughtstarter: ... swirl around the woman as if pointing her out.
She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine. A bit of an info dump here, yet it lacks clarity--who does “each group” refer to? Vague. What are the different kinds of threats? “the usual suspects” is a cliché, look for something fresher. I suggest you trim this by roughly half.
This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him. “This one was different” is redundant--you spent the previous paragraph letting us know that. “heightened state” is telling, for one thing--and what does that mean? Can you show us through his thoughts and behavior and emotions what is meant by this? And why is he in a heightened state on this particular day? Is he always at a heightened state? This description causes more problems than it solves, IMO.
Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed. The sentence I deleted is more “telling.” And redundant--the rest of the paragraph lets us know.
The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in.
I suggest you whittle this even more than I have and then insert some of the feel of the scene, the sensory aspects, and try to slip us more into his head. It would be good to give some idea of how he came to know that she is following him, especially in the light of the later revelation that he isn’t even on the street--which seems like it would make him darned hard to follow.
As I think about this, I realize that I didn't find it very involving. I think it's the lack of sensory details (where's the heat and sweat of being a human being) and in the aloofness of the character, who doesn't seem to feel a lot.