The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Alicia has sent the prologue and 1st chapter of Crafting the Night.
Prologue:
A god was ready to walk the earth.
The digital clock sat on a pedestal on level with the high priest’s eyes. 19:00:00, precisely. Sweat slicked down the side of his face and stung at his eyes, and a tremor of exhaustion ran through his arms as he raised them. The power radiating out from his core burned, like red hot pins prickling through flesh. Maybe it was not sweat or blood but liquid flame that oozed from his pores; he rather liked the image.
The bodies of lesser priests lay scattered around the inner circle. Bloody symbols trailed up the walls and twisted in spirals across the floor, all painted exactly to his specifications. The writhing sacrifice in the center moaned and scrabbled at the painted edges of its prison, battered by the palpable ripples of force echoing through the air as reality strained to accommodate the god. With a gurgling choke that sprayed blood from his mouth, the second-to-last priest collapsed. The blood splattered the high priest’s cheek. He did not even blink; he had not done so in almost ten minutes.
This would truly be the greatest achievement modern man had ever witnessed – something to match, even surpass, the magic of the crafters. He fought the urge to squirm with delight. Control. Control was key. Losing his composure now would place more than his own life in jeopardy – the ritual itself would collapse and render all of his efforts null.
First chapter:
Arine smothered a yawn with her sleeve as she set the pitcher down on the counter, the last plant watered. The sky had gone pitch black while she was still at work, the walk back home had been nightmarishly long, and she was ready for the day to be over. Several more yawns fought their way out of her throat as she padded down the hall to the bedroom. She swapped the overhead light for the lamp on the bedside table, and with a satisfied yawn she yanked the bedclothes back – then paused and tilted her head to one side, staring at the ground.
The shadow of the bedside table was moving.
The corners of the shadow smoothed out and darkened. Slowly, the shadow peeled itself off the floor to hover in the air, forming a thin circle of darkness. Other shadows detached from pieces of furniture casting them and joined the floating shadow. A face molded itself out of the smooth surface: simple eyes, ears, mouth.
Arine folded her arms and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Did you not pay attention when your mother told you not to spy on girls?” she asked dryly, raising an eyebrow at the shadow-messenger.
The shadow construct’s mouth opened and a distorted voice emerged. “I wasn’t spying on you. This was just a happy coincidence.”
Yes and yes.
While I am ordinarily not a fan of prologues, with an opening line like “A god was ready to walk the earth,” how could I resist? The rest of the prologue was strong, and I ended wondering how it applied to the rest of the story. But, please, don’t use italics. Not necessary, hard to read.
However, if I were Alicia I would look at deleting the last paragraph of the opening prologue page so that this following paragraph could start on the first page:
An explosion rocked the heavy door separating the summoning chamber from the insanity raging outside. The high priest had been forced to let go of his remote viewing spell when the lesser priests began failing, but he already knew to expect the police. It seemed his guards had been unable to stop them from reaching the inner sanctum. Another thrumming boom, and the door (snip)
As for the first chapter opening, well done. I was intrigued, and story questions rose. The writing is very nice, and I like the voice. All in all, well done. The craft and writing are strong throughout.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey