The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jean has sent the first chapter of “Untitled Sequel.”
I didn’t think my shipping business was overly successful, not to the point where anyone would want me dead over it. But as I lay there on the floor, observing the fine spray of my blood on my office wall, I had to consider that I might be wrong.
Heavy footsteps drew closer.
Damn. I knew I was rusty, having been out of the business for over four years, but it was still disappointing to know that I’d not done any serious damage with the two knives I’d managed to throw before toppling from my chair. I tried to peer around my desk, but my body wouldn’t cooperate.
Rhaine was going to be pissed that I missed dinner yet again.
The footsteps stopped.
Something tingled inside my head. The telepathic barriers I’d erected years ago dissolved as my mental strength faded.
The tingle came again. Familiar.
The black form of my killer loomed over me. “Oh fuck! Vayen, is that you?”
***
I woke to a dream. I thought it was a dream, prayed to Geva that it was, but when I blinked for the tenth time, the cold metal room was still there. The metal ceiling, metal walls, (snip)
Yes, indeed.
Delightful voice, high-caliber writing, multiple story questions raised, paranormal stuff, and more. Loved the humor in “I had to consider that I might be wrong” after observing her blood on a wall. I was intrigued and wanted more. I have just two notes for Jean concerning the last two paragraphs:
The black form of my killer loomed over me. “Oh fuck! Vayen, is that you?” suggest adding a dialogue tag, maybe “It said,” to make it perfectly clear who is speaking, and it helps moderate the possible negative response to the notion of this maybe being a dream in the next paragraph.
***
I woke to a dream. I thought it was a dream, prayed to Geva that it was, but when I blinked for the tenth time, the cold metal room was still there. The metal ceiling, metal walls, (snip) Many people reflexively react negatively to anything that opens with a dream, so I would make this clear from the start that it’s not a dream. Thoughtstarter: I woke. That was a dream, right? I prayed to Geva that it was, but when I blinked…etc.
Welcome to the first FtQ Bookshelf for 2012, a place where authors can promote their books. I’ll post a cover graphic, link, and 100-word summary for new authors. Caveat: I have not read the books and advocate none. Here are two new ones. Those who want to submit materials should email attachments.
Tormented in his transformation, the escaped half man half white dragon, Dragorian, seeks to help the helpless, and right what he sees as a great injustice. Through the peril of never ending threat by his nemesis, and with the unknown help of a vampire he befriended, he seeks to solve a great mystery, as he quests to protect humanity.
High school senior, Lydia Hawthorne, is less than grateful when Oberon has her snatched from the mortal world and she finds out she's actually Fae. And not just any Fae, but a trueborn with enough inherent magic to tip the balance between Oberon and Titania's warring Bright and Shadow courts.
But that's their game and she doesn't want to play by their rules. Together with Clive Barrow, a Bright Court Fae with embarrassing family ties to the mortal world, Lydia fights to regain her old life, fueling her magic with the very human power of love and loss, challenging the essential nature of Faerie itself.
Workshop Marathon at South Coast Writers Conference in February
Friday from 9 to 4 Sharpen Your Storytelling Skills
The focus is fiction craft issues with 5 writing exercises (2 exercises also in Ray’s 2nd Saturday workshop). Free e-copy of my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is provided before the conference. Topics covered:
Writing for effect
Story as a river
Start with kitty-cats in action
Six vital story ingredients
It takes story questions to turn pages
Making it experiential to characterize
Describing a point-of-view character
How to deliver the sound of dialogue
When to tell, how to show
Adverbs: Good? Bad? Yes.
Storytelling: after lecture and exercises, members write the opening page of a story (scenario provided) to read aloud for class critique.
Saturday from 10:45 to 12:15 Crafting a Killer First Page
In the workshop, I first give a brief presentation of six vital story elements for fiction. Then, one at a time, a writing sample (first page from a novel submitted by an attendee) is passed out to attendees. Attendees read the sample, decide if they’d turn the page on this novel, make notes, and then I lead the group in a critique of the page as to its effectiveness, shortcomings, and strengths. I also give my evaluation. My critique may also suggest a better starting narrative from later in the submitted chapter. Attendees who submit samples that are critiqued can take the group’s notes with them, including mine.
Saturday from 3:15 to 4:45 Crafting Killer Description and Dialogue Scenes
The fiction writer’s task is to create the experience of the story in the reader's mind, not to just write a report of what happens. By combining a technique called experiential description with action beats in dialogue, a narrative can deliver that experience. This workshop leads writers to think about how to write for effect—the use of writing techniques to affect the experience the reader imagines.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Sheri has sent a revision of Favors.
The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. “I take it back!” Sarah’s throaty voice pleaded in response on the other side.
“Open the damn door!” Frankie said. “If you don’t open it now, I’ll break it down!”
Sarah thought of their unborn child. Tears were filling her eyes. “Please,” she begged, “I didn’t mean it!”
She stared at the door, thinking maybe he had left. Suddenly a loud bang was followed by splinters of the door frame falling to the ground; the damaged door swung open with a kick to reveal a large man with his hands in fists. Sarah backed away. “I’ll leave and won’t come back, I promise!”
Frankie approached her and relaxed his fists. He lifted his arms as if to embrace her. Sarah hesitantly stepped forward to talk as he grabbed her by the throat.
“Frankie, no!” Her voice was a whisper under his grasp. She clawed at him to release her. Her right arm hit him in the face, causing him to tighten his grip.
He began shaking her over and over, backing her into the entry wall saying, “Damn right you won’t tell! I’ll shut your mouth!”
Sarah’s arms were intermittently swinging at him now, until they fell at her sides. As she began to collapse under his grip, he released her. She crumpled in a heap against the wall, her (snip)
Definite progress, but . . .
Sheri has definitely raised good story questions with this opening--it’s a strong scene, and the character sympathetic. Now all Sheri has to do is focus on writing craft. For me, there were shortcomings that foreshadowed more of the same ahead of a narrative that’s not ready for prime time. Good going on the storytelling, though. Notes:
The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. “I take it back!” Sarah’s throaty voice pleaded in response on the other side. This feels like it’s Frankie’s point of view because her voice is on the other side, but it turns out we are in hers. Another pov glitch is “throaty voice.” While Frankie can hear it that way, she wouldn’t. Here’s how I would rewrite this: The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. Sarah cried out, “I take it back!”
“Open the damn door!” Frankie said. “If you don’t open it now, I’ll break it down!”
Sarah thought of their unborn child. Tears filled were filling her eyes. “Please,” she begged, “I didn’t mean it!”
Silence. She stared at the door, thinking maybe he had left. Suddenly a loud bang was followed by splinters of the door frame falling to the ground; the damaged door swung open with a kick to reveal a large manFrankie with his hands in fists. Sarah backed away. “I’ll leave and won’t come back, I promise!”
Frankie approached her and relaxed his fists. He lifted his arms as if to embrace her. When Sarah hesitantly stepped forward,to talk as he grabbed her by the throat. Overwriting--too much detail and wordy, it slows the action. This should be a tense, fast-moving scene.
“Frankie, no!” Her voice was a whisper under his grasp. She clawed at him to release her. Her right armShe hit him in the face, causing him to tightenand he tightened his grip. Specifying which arm is overwriting unless there’s something significant about it, and there isn’t in this case. “causing” is weak language. Just do it. Also, don't have body parts do things (her right arm), have the person do them (She).
He shook began shaking her over and over, backing her into the entry wall saying, “Damn right you won’t tell! I’ll shut your mouth!” I wasn’t sure what “over and over” meant in relation to shaking someone. And is “entry wall” correct? Entry hall? Needs clarification.
Sarah’s armswere intermittently swingingbeat at him now, until her arms they fell at her sides. As she began to collapse under his grip, he released her. She crumpled in a heap against the wall, her (snip) Still overwriting, and a big, slow word like “intermittently” doesn’t, I think, belong in an action scene.
So how do you deal with shortcomings such as these. You might try:
1. Get into the head of the character, be the character. If you’re truly that woman in that room, then it might be harder to write about her voice being on the other side of the door, which is clearly not from inside her experience.
2. Try reading it aloud and see where you slow or stumble.
3. Question adverbs that prop up a weak noun--they’re weak in themselves; look for a strong verb that does the job.
Frequently I see in manuscripts and in published work a bit of telling like this one from a recent edit:
The candidate paused, and for the first time smiled at the camera.
Here’s another one with a use of ellipses to indicate a pause and then dialogue to let you know that it was a pause:
“. . . He’s a very nice man.”
Steve noticed the pause. “All the time?
This is “telling.” It’s straightforward and common . . . but there’s a better way to create an actual pause that the reader can feel and absorb as an integral part of what’s going on. A stronger technique is to create a pause in the reader’s reading of the narrative by showing the speaker actually pausing. You do that with action or thought beats.
Here’s the first example rewritten to create an actual pause:
The candidate stopped speaking and gazed at the camera. For the first time, he smiled.
Here’s an action remedy for the second example:
Susan studied the photo. “He’s a very nice man.”
Steve noticed the pause. “All the time?
Here’s that author using ellipses for a hesitation:
“. . . That is generous of you.”
“You hesitated. Why?”
The reader has to be told that the ellipses mean a hesitation. Instead:
“That is . . .” Susan pursed her lips. “. . . generous of you.”
Still, the fact that the listener notices the hesitation is important, but his dialogue could be more to the point:
“Why the hesitation?”
Here are more examples drawn from manuscripts and ways to show a pause rather than tell.
“Do you know Frank?”
There was a pause.
“Yes, he’s a friend. A good friend.”
Instead:
“Do you know Frank?”
Susan decided to be open about the relationship.
“Yes, he’s a friend. A good friend.”
This from an action scene:
“I’m in a red SUV, headed straight for you.”
After a few seconds pause, Susan shouted, “Got it. We see you.”
Or, with a real pause:
“I’m in a red SUV, headed straight for you.”
He gained another hundred yards before Susan shouted, “Got it. We see you.”
How about this one?
Tutu replied, “Let me just say that one of the things we need to establish is that—” Long pause—“God is not a Christian…”
Or
Tutu replied, “Let me just say that one of the things we need to establish is that—” He peered at his audience, searching for the right words.—“God is not a Christian.”
Here’s one that already had the pause:
He paused, and wiped his mouth on his dirty sleeve, then took a deep breath and blurted his precious information.
Telling us that he paused seems redundant. Instead:
He wiped his mouth on his dirty sleeve, then took a deep breath and blurted his precious information.
So . . . illustrate a pause rather than report that there was one and you’ll come closer to involving the reader in the experience of the scene.
Writerly Tidbits for the FtQ Crew Here are a couple of things that may be of interest to you.
Chainbooks.com The idea behind it is that the authors for the site write chapter 1 of a book. Someone else writes chapter 2. A third person chapter 3 and so on until the book is complete at 24 chapters. There’s no pay involved, but it’s a pretty fun process and the books, when completed, get published so every writer can say they are then a published author.
Advice from Algis Budrys as relayed by author Mark Sumner in his “We’re going to write a novel” post on a political blog--the post has nothing to do with politics, and I think is worth a read.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
MK has sent the first chapter of FLAGSHIP! Riven Dawn
Scarlett hefted the butcher knife in her trembling hand. Her battered right eye swelled shut, the pain throbbing with each rapid heartbeat.
Patrick’s terrified screams from upstairs accosted her ears. Luke’s loud drunken curses interjected, but the baby shrieked all the louder. Scarlett paused a second to quell her panicked breathing. Then she tightened her grip on the hardwood hilt and bounded up the stairs.
“Mommy’s coming, Patrick.”
Sunday, 1 April - 0430 SGT (2030Z) - South China Sea
Kate Mahoney woke up frightened and tremulous — again.
“What?”
Her eyes flitted about in the dark, searching for grounding clues. As her senses cleared, she recognized the rocking ocean motion, background machinery noise, faint odor of oil and metal, and the windowless confines of her second deck stateroom.
“BLUE RIDGE,” she muttered aloud in the dark grayness. “Underway on patrol.”
She had fallen asleep atop her rack still wearing her olive green Nomex flight suit from the prior day. An embroidered patch over the right breast bore the U.S. Navy 7th Fleet logo in gold and silver thread against a royal blue background. A smaller rectangular patch of the same royal blue over her left breast boasted naval aviator wings of gold; her name and title, “CAPT Kathryn (snip)
I didn’t turn the page.
I don’t hold with the sentiment that it is ALWAYS a bad idea to open with a dream, but in this case it didn’t work for me. The dream itself could, with editing, make a suspenseful opening to a story. But then the narrative shifts to someone with a completely different name--and it’s not even clear that she was the one having the dream. Although the writing is clean, I found some craft and storytelling issues that forecast rough sailing ahead. In fact, the narrative quickly leaves Kate and visits the points of view of the commanders of two other vessels, North and South Korean warships on course for a hostile encounter. Now, that is interesting to me, and I wonder about starting with a dream that doesn’t seem to relate and then a character waking and going back to sleep. Some notes, and then an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter, with poll.
Scarlett hefted the butcher knife in her trembling hand. Her battered right eye swelledwas swollen shut, the pain throbbing with each rapid heartbeat.
Patrick’s terrified screams from upstairs accosted her ears. Luke’s loud drunken curses interjected, but the baby shrieked all the louder. Scarlett paused a second to quell her panicked breathing. Then she tightened her grip on the hardwood hilt and bounded up the stairs. I do not recommend using uncommon words such as “accosted” and “interjected” in an action scene. And it’s passive. To say this in an active voice: Patrick screamed upstairs.
“Mommy’s coming, Patrick.”
Sunday, 1 April - 0430 SGT (2030Z) - South China Sea
Kate Mahoney woke up frightened and tremulous — again.
“What?” Here would have been the place to let us know that the dream was hers, and to relate it to her. As it is, we have no clue. The different names are confusing to me.
Her eyes flitted about in the dark, searching for grounding clues. As her senses cleared, she recognized the rocking ocean motion, background machinery noise, faint odor of oil and metal, and the windowless confines of her second deck stateroom. Eyes don’t “flit about.” Again, this is passive. Involve the person, not her body parts. For example: She searched the darkness etc.
“BLUE RIDGE,” she muttered aloud in the dark grayness. “Underway on patrol.” The names of ships are italicized.
She had fallen asleep atop her rack still wearing her olive green Nomex flight suit from the prior day. An embroidered patch over the right breast bore the U.S. Navy 7th Fleet logo in gold and silver thread against a royal blue background. A smaller rectangular patch of the same royal blue over her left breast boasted naval aviator wings of gold; her name and title, “CAPT Kathryn (snip) ACK! Now we slip into info-dump. Stay with the action, with the story, not a detailed description of her uniform and what she’s wearing. As mentioned, after one more paragraph of description from completely outside this character, she goes back to sleep.
Now for something completely different. Here is an excerpt from later in the chapter that I think would make a better opening:
“Hostile contact, bearing 320, range 25 miles, high speed, moving south.” The rookie South Korean Navy (ROKN) watch officer spoke in staccato Hangul, high-pitched. “Approaches Northern Limit Line.”
The officer of the deck gazed at the oscilloscope. “KPN. We hail it on bridge to bridge.”
The OOD keyed the transmitter. “Vessel approaching Northern Limit Line, this is Republic of Korea Warship 773. Please identify yourself and say intentions.”
Silence. Dead silence.
“I say again, vessel approaching NLL, this is ROK Warship 773. You encroach on ROK territorial waters. Please acknowledge and say intentions.”
Still silence.
The OOD picked up the ship’s intercom and dialed his captain.
“Captain, Bridge. Unidentified contact advances on NLL, not answering queries. Believe KPN with hostile intent. Please come to bridge.”
A hundred miles to the east, the Korean Peninsula — the “Land of the Morning Calm” — basked in early spring sunlight. In the West Sea (the Yellow Sea to most of the world) dawn broke over Baengnyeong Island, known to U.S. forces as “P-Y Do.” One of the Republic of Korea’s five (snip)
Welcome to the replenished Flogometer--thanks to a number of enlightened writers, there’s enough for a month or so. But don’t let that stop you from submitting.
And there’s a new question about the title in the poll. I don’t know if it will stay, but it seemed like a useful bit of information to gather for the writer.
Also, you may notice the addition of a validation thingy for commenting--I just get too much spam these days, and it takes time to delete it. I hope this won’t trouble you but will cut way down on the spam.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
John has sent the first chapter of Into the Mystic.
Near the old Judean port city of Joppa a hardscrabble house made of rock sat near the edge of a wide plain bordered on the east by rolling hills. The old roads that traverse this plain had been traveled over for centuries by armies in pursuit wealth and glory. Soon enough, more armies would come and come again.
The house was stark and bleak. A hundred or so goats were grazing near it and running amongst them were several dogs keeping them confined in a ragged herd. Inside the house a boy of twelve years named Joshua was sitting at a table reading a scroll. Just then his father entered.
“Joshua, we must tend to the goats,” said the father. “You keep reading the teachings but we have work to do.”
“Father,” said Joshua expectantly, “Tell me again about the Teacher of Righteousness.”
“Son, he came to be because of the sin of pleasure.”
“You have told me that forever but why is pleasure so bad?”
“It corrupts the soul. You will yearn for more and more is never enough. The goodness man truly seeks can never come from pleasure. As you become a man you will better understand this.”
“Is this why we live like we do and why we pay tribute to the Romans?”
“Yes son. Poverty and deprivation will conquer your passions. Come, now, let us take the goats to water.”
I didn’t turn the page.
While the story does start with a scene, the narrative never got around to raising story questions for me, thus there was no tension to motivate a page turn. Not much happens I this scene--a little talk about religious principles and then they return to tending the goats. If the boy were rebelling against the teachings and there were consequences for that behavior, then my interest level would have risen. This chapter seemed to be laying ground work (throat clearing), but it didn’t get to story, only to the notion that the boy needs to go study more in a different place.Notes:
Near the old Judean port city of Joppa a hardscrabble house made of rock sat near the edge of a wide plain bordered on the east by rolling hills. The old roads that traverse this plain had been traveled over for centuries by armies in pursuit wealth and glory. Soon enough, more armies would come and come again. This suggests conflict to come, which is good. It isn’t delivered, which is not good.
The house was stark and bleak. A hundred or so goats were grazinggrazed near it, and running amongst them were several dogs that keptkeeping them confined in a ragged herd. Inside the house, a boy of twelve years named Joshua sat was sitting at a table reading a scroll. Just then his father entered. I advocate avoiding the use of participles, the “ing” words. They feel passive and add to wordiness. Also, an adjective like “several” is vague--“three” (or any specific number) would have been a better word to use because it creates a picture in the reader’s mind; “several” doesn’t. Also, "stark and bleak" is "telling." Show us visually and let us understand that rather than tell us.
“Joshua, we must tend to the goats,” said the father. “You keep reading the teachings, but we have work to do.”
“Father,” said Joshua expectantly, “Tell me again about the Teacher of Righteousness.”I’m not sure what “expectantly” means in terms of saying “Father.” Adverbs just don’t make good description--it would be better, IMO, to show the boy’s behavior that communicates this, or to give his thoughts that created the attitude.
“Son, he came to be because of the sin of pleasure.”
“You have told me that forever, but why is pleasure so bad?” We could use an action beat here--and in other places in this dialogue string--to characterize and, perhaps, increase tension. For example, if interior monologue/thoughts show the boy internally disagreeing with this, conflict is introduced and we know more about him.
“It corrupts the soul. You will yearn for more and more is never enough. The goodness man truly seeks can never come from pleasure. As you become a man you will better understand this.” Description of what he does physically would be helpful in picturing his attitude. As it is, this is just a platitude. Is he fervent? What?
“Is this why we live like we do and why we pay tribute to the Romans?”
“Yes son. Poverty and deprivation will conquer your passions. Come, now, let us take the goats to water.”
Fun, fun, and more fun!!!! This is the purrr-fect book to pick up after a long day when you need a few laughs or just a light read for the beach. Since I'm a fan of vampires and cats it was win/win. I loved the sometimes whimsical but sometimes snarky humor of this book. Don't expect a strong, prize winning tale. Just sit back and enjoy this book! If you don't, you're taking life way too seriously!!!!! Mr. Rhamey....MORE PLEASE!
