The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Holly has sent the opening of Double Tap.
Jillian Varela received an invitation from Darell Harland Clavey to attend his execution. There was no deciding on this, she knew she would. In fact, if there were any justice at all, they would let her flick the switch that started the lethal cocktail dump.
On a late Saturday night, in a driving rain, she drove up the Peninsula, through San Francisco, and across the Golden Gate Bridge. Thirty minutes later, she turned into San Quentin’s main gate. In the blackness, to the left of the entrance, stood a lone death penalty protester. Usually, a dozen or more would be there, waving signs and banging drums. The woman stood under a pink golf umbrella with a candle and a soggy cardboard sign on which she had written, “HE IS DYING FOR YOUR SINS.” Jillian didn’t get that.
Surreal purple and blue oil patches shimmered in the arc of her headlights as she pulled into the visitor’s lot. After checking in, a guard escorted her to the witness room and pointed her to a single folding chair. Jillian was the only one in attendance for Clavey.
There was muted laughter from the press pool to her left.
“Good one,” somebody said.
Jillian looked up at the clock that indicated the official time, 11:55. She looked at her unofficial Casio, 11:52. She pulled the stem and set it.
At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains.
Almost
Good, clean writing, and the opening paragraph was definitely an interest-provoker. The second and third were good for setting and mood. So far, so good.
Then there was a reference to a laugh line that we didn’t hear.
Then we set our watch. Then the curtains opened. And I stopped reading.
Why? We left the story. If it had been established that the time was meaningful, perhaps a race to stop the execution, then that would have worked. But here? Not for me.
If you take out the 3 lines of narrative from “Good one…” to “…set it,” you can add these 3 lines from the next page after “At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains.”
Strapped to a gurney was Darell Harland Clavey.
He seemed calm, almost serene. He craned his neck, spotted Jillian, and gave her a big grin. He turned to the attendant and raised his middle finger. Jillian could read Clavey’s lips, “Fuck you.”
Now, that page I would have turned.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey