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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions Tension (in the reader, not the characters)Voice Clarity Scene setting Character
Tom has sent the first chapter of Somna:
“It’s getting worse, Stanley.” Finn gazed out of the third floor window. The sun had now passed behind the two skyscrapers looming opposite, and long, menacing shadows carved across the green below. Feelings of reassurance when in the company of his old friend could not quell the anxiety that he suppressed; an intrinsic and tremulous flutter of the heart deep within, like a storm cloud out over choppy seas that is upon you with an all-encompassing fury while you are still stood in awe.
“In what way?”
“Many ways.”
“But it happened last night? Hence the late appointment?”
Finn shuddered at the thought as he leant on the sill. Shadows were creeping across the city and his soul. Night was drawing near. Light only overpowers dark outside the mind. “It was a bad one,” he conceded. “Happened in the early hours, for maybe four or five minutes. Not the longest by any stretch. But the intensity… the feeling of terror, it was up there with the worst.”
“You’ve had bad episodes, but you’ve never called for an emergency meeting before. What are you not telling me?” There was a compassionate insistence in the doctor’s tone.
Nope.
Good writing, but I think in this case that the writer is withholding too much. I became frustrated with not knowing what “it” was. Nor do I have an idea of the stakes.
Since I was able to read on, I learned that the “it” was an hallucination. But, in six pages, I never learned what the hallucination was, nor were there any troubles or consequences--the writer didn’t send all of the chapter, so I couldn’t look ahead for more-compelling narrative. My advice is to spend less on the character’s ruminating about shadows and feelings and giving the reader something to be interested in, not a vague, unknown unpleasantness--and, so far, it is only an unpleasantness because there is no suggestion of jeopardy or harm in what you read here. Notes:
“It’s getting worse, Stanley.” Finn gazed out of the third floor window. The sun had now passed behind the two skyscrapers looming opposite, and long, menacing shadows carved across the green below. Feelings of reassurance when in the company of his old friend could not quell the anxiety that he suppressed; an intrinsic and tremulous flutter of the heart deep within, like a storm cloud out over choppy seas that is upon you with an all-encompassing fury while you are still stood in awe. (For me, the last description of the anxiety was one line too much. You can give me this later, and it would be much more effective if it was in the context of me at last knowing what had happened to him.)
“In what way?”
“Many ways.” (This non-answer was frustrating and a waste of space for me. Oh, it tells us that the character doesn’t want to talk about it--but the reader wants to know what the heck she’s reading about.)
“But it happened last night? Hence the late appointment?”
Finn shuddered at the thought as he leant on the sill. Shadows were creeping across the city and his soul. Night was drawing near. Light only overpowers dark outside the mind. “It was a bad one,” he conceded. “Happened in the early hours, for maybe four or five minutes. Not the longest by any stretch. But the intensity… the feeling of terror, it was up there with the worst.” (Shuddered at the thought of what? A bad WHAT? The second deletion was an effort to avoid diluting the part that troubles him.)
“You’ve had bad episodes, but you’ve never called for an emergency meeting before. What are you not telling me?” There was a compassionate insistence in the doctor’s tone. (Bad episodes of WHAT? What is this story about? What happened to the character? At this stage, those are not good story questions but an expression of what’s missing.)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey