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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Holly sends this opening.
She heard the bar door creak and edged back into the shadows of the alley, where it smelled like piss and sour dishtowels. If this is where he wanted to get his thrill, it was fine with her. The barroom door opened, and she saw her playmate’s silhouette in the glare of ruby red neon.
She thought of herself as Lisa, at least for this game. Once, she had called herself Celeste, but that was for another game, a long time ago. This was much better. No matter how many times she played, it still gave her a thrill.
She closed her eyes and waited for him. At last, he placed his hands against her and eased her deeper into the darkness. Just as she could move no farther, she felt the rasp of his beard and his hot breath on her neck. His scent was intoxicating.
He was one of her better playmates, fully involved, enjoying it as it played out. He just didn’t know how it would end. As he pushed against her, she could feel the rhythmic thump of western music through the wall. She drew her hand across the taut muscles of his stomach. So easy.
He tried to kiss her but found himself stepping back instead. He thought that was odd, why would he do that? He tried to move close to her again, but instead, his legs gave way, and he sat down on the concrete, hard. Excruciating pain began to roll through him. He leaned forward (snip)
Yes.
The writing is good and this is definitely an immediate scene with tension and story questions. The head-hopping from her point of view into his bothered me, but that can be fixed. A provocative opening.
Tell you what: I’m going to do a little trimming and shaping to get rid of the head-hopping and include whatever narrative can be added to the first page as a result.
She heard the bar door creak and edged back into the shadows of the alley, where it smelled like piss and sour dishtowels. If this is was where he wanted to get his thrill, it was fine with her. The barroom door opened, and she saw her playmate’s silhouette in the glare of ruby-red neon.
She thought of herself as Lisa, at least for this game. Once she had called herself Celeste, but that was for another game, a long time ago. This was much better. No matter how many times she played, it still gave her a thrill.
She closed her eyes and waited for him. At last, he placed his hands against her and eased her deeper into the darkness. Just as she could move no farther, she felt the rasp of his beard and his hot breath on her neck. His scent was intoxicating.
He was one of her better playmates, fully involved, enjoying it as it played out. He just didn’t know how it would end. As he pushed against her, she could feel the rhythmic thump of western music through the wall. She drew her hand across the taut muscles of his stomach. So easy.
He tried to kiss her but found himself stepping stepped back instead. He thought that was odd, why would he do that? He tried to move close to her again, but instead, his legs gave way, and he sat down on the concrete, hard. Excruciating pain began to roll through him. He leaned forward and screamed. She reached down and caressed his throat. The scream ended
She loved this part.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey