Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Andy --would you turn the page?

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Only one flogging left. Has the Flogometer run its course after all these years? Unless writers step up with submissions for critiques, the last flogging will happen next Wednesday.

Call for floggees. If you'd like to start the New Year off with an insightful critique of your opening prologue or chapter, please see the submission directions at the end of this post.

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Save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Andy has sent the first chapter of Factory of the Future.  

 The town of East Whitney spent thirty years going out of business. Ben Golden saw it in the store fronts on Main Street. Most were closed, all had seen better days, but A&M Cycles, Golden’s destination, had a reputation that kept the doors open and staff busy.

“A reporter came in here the other day asking why the factory closed.” McIlheny’s stutter came back when he talked about his old job.

“Yeah?” Golden said. “What did you say?”

“Said going to hell is a long trip. What took you so long to notice?”

“That’s good.” His smile revealed the slight gap between his large front teeth. “I’ll try to remember that one.”

“You gotta get that line in before they start asking about the lawsuit.”

“I know. Can’t make jokes about people getting hurt.” Golden stared into space before Mac quickly brought him back.

“So you’re here to buy a new bicycle,” Mac said.

“I’m sick of those kindergartners on their carbon-fiber hot rods passing me on the climb on route twenty.”

Golden was a short man, barely old enough for early retirement, but having worked at the General Industrial factory since he finished college, and risen to Quality Manager, his (snip)

I didn’t turn the page.

 The writing is good--later descriptions are fun to read--and I like the voice. But what happens here? A couple of guys chat about past events and one of them is going to buy a bike. For me, what is missing is any sense of trouble ahead for either of these nice people. There’s no suggestion of a problem that is going to mess up Golden’s life or what might happen to him if it does. Bottom line, I didn’t feel a compelling story question, so there wasn’t enough tension created in me to want to know what happens next.

 My advice, Andy, is to look ahead for the moment when something happens to Golden that throws his life out of whack, something that he is forced to deal with or suffer serious consequences. So far you have what is, I think, pleasant and well-told throat-clearing.

Notes:

The town of East Whitney spent thirty years going out of business. Ben Golden saw it in the store fronts on Main Street. Most were closed, all had seen better days, but A&M Cycles, Golden’s destination, had a reputation that kept the doors open and staff busy.

“A reporter came in here the other day asking why the factory closed.” McIlheny’s stutter came back when he talked about his old job. (How about showing a little of his stutter?)

“Yeah?” Golden said. “What did you say?”

“Said going to hell is a long trip. What took you so long to notice?”

“That’s good.” His smile revealed the slight gap between his large front teeth. “I’ll try to remember that one.” (This is a break in close third-person point of view; Ben would neither be able to see what his smile revealed nor would he be thinking about the gap in his teeth. Just say He smiled.)

“You gotta get that line in before they start asking about the lawsuit.”

 “I know. Can’t make jokes about people getting hurt.” Golden stared into space before Mac quickly brought him back. (This starts to raise story questions, even if they’re not about Ben)

“So you’re here to buy a new bicycle,” Mac said. (And then we walk away from the tension-producing story to a purchase.)

“I’m sick of those kindergartners on their carbon-fiber hot rods passing me on the climb on route twenty.”

Golden was a short man, barely old enough for early retirement, but having worked at the General Industrial factory since he finished college, and risen to Quality Manager, his (snip)  (Another break in point of view and, worse, turning the story into backstory, into what happened then, not what’s happening now. A sure sign that parts the reader will want to skip are ahead, and a discouragement for turning the page.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Vandhana--would you turn the page?

Call for floggees. Running low again. If you'd like to start the New Year off with an insightful critique of your opening prologue or chapter, please see the submission directions at the end of this post.

---

Save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Vandhana has sent prologue and first chapter of What the Wind Told Me. Vandhana tells me that this is a first effort--pretty brave to put it out there. The prologue: 

 When I was a kid, I waited outside my house every morning. For a hunk of metal. Most of the times, it was painted yellow. The metal had got strange gaps, as if the metal was too expensive to buy for the whole hunk. The odd thing about these gaps is that they’re shaped in exact, equal rectangles. Apparently this hunk of holey metal was called a bus. Not just any bus but a school bus. Previously, my trips on the school bus were ordinary trips - noisy kids screaming on the top of their voices, singing songs playing games, gossiping. I was one of those noisy kids. Through the bus rides, you come to realize that there are a few things you should do because, well, because the big kids say so. Like pretending to enjoy the bumpy ride even though you feel like vomiting, or doing a dare even though you would rather do your homework, or never tell anyone you like pink, even if you do (especially pink unicorns). And then there are a few things you should never do, like snitch on the big kids, or do your homework, or talk to imaginary friends. Apparently having imaginary friends is for old seniles who go on lonely walks. I made a promise to myself to never become an old senile that goes on lonely walks when I grow up. Whatever an old senile is, it sounds very un-cool. Especially when the big kids say it.

 But then I grew up. And I became an old senile. Who goes on lonely walks. And has an imaginary friend. Her name’s Wind. She’s always telling me to “observe”. And when I finally (snip)

The first chapter opens this way:

I am writing this chapter because apparently “I have learnt to observe.” That’s what my imaginary friend said. She said I am now ready to experience life. I had a vision of me with black binoculars “observing” a bird in the mystical Amazon. “Now go write a book about your experiences.” she said. My binoculars broke, the bird flew away, and the Amazon was deforested.

So here I am writing a chapter. And I am in big trouble. Because I am inspired. I have learnt to observe. I am ready to experience. But nothing wants to be observed by me. Nothing wants to be experienced.

So here’s the uninspired, unobserved chapter. It is yet to be experienced. By you. And all other readers. I hope the experience is a good one.

There is a chocolate in my hand. There is a girl in my bus. Her name was Tanya. She hated me because I had a chocolate in my hand. And she had nothing in hers. I wouldn’t give her my chocolate.

Later that day, I found a note in my desk. “I hate you!” it read. “And in case you don’t understand that, it means DEATH.”

Oooooh. I was so scared. Wait. Sorry that was a modified memory because I didn’t want to think I was scared of a torn up piece of crumpled paper with led scratches.

Nope.

I like the voice--it’s personable and likeable.  While I like the person in the prologue, there was no tension there, nor a good idea of what this story was to be about. There are some craft issues, small ones that can be taken care of with learning and practice. I wouldn’t start anything with such a big, unbroken paragraph, though.

The chapter opening had the same qualities, both good and not-so-good. I was a bit confused by the shift in tense from present to past, and it shifts back to present tense on the next page. There was a chance of tension here with the note that meant death, but the tension was evaporated by the very next paragraph that sort of takes it all back.

I think, Vandhana, what we have here is what we call “throat-clearing.” The time and space you’re taking to introduce us to this character and her memories (by the way, I would like to have known the gender of the narrator right away, not several pages in) could have been gripping us with the story of what happens to her that causes trouble in her life and makes her act to fix things. Find the start of that story and begin there. I do like your writing, though you need to pay more attention to punctuation and spelling (I think you meant “lead” rather than “led”).

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Call for floggees, 3D covers for you, discounts

Call for floggees. Running low again. If you'd like to start the New Year off with an insightful critique of your opening prologue or chapter, please see the submission directions at the end of this post.

---

Save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials.

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Get your book cover in 3D Like to see your book cover in striking 3D? Use the image for your blog or website, or print it on business cards or bookmarks. $15 or $20, depending on what you supply for a graphic. Check it out here.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. attach your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tom--would you turn the page?

Save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

Story questions Tension (in the reader, not the characters)Voice Clarity Scene setting Character

Tom has sent the first chapter of Somna:  

 “It’s getting worse, Stanley.” Finn gazed out of the third floor window. The sun had now passed behind the two skyscrapers looming opposite, and long, menacing shadows carved across the green below. Feelings of reassurance when in the company of his old friend could not quell the anxiety that he suppressed; an intrinsic and tremulous flutter of the heart deep within, like a storm cloud out over choppy seas that is upon you with an all-encompassing fury while you are still stood in awe.

“In what way?”

“Many ways.”

“But it happened last night? Hence the late appointment?”

Finn shuddered at the thought as he leant on the sill. Shadows were creeping across the city and his soul. Night was drawing near. Light only overpowers dark outside the mind. “It was a bad one,” he conceded. “Happened in the early hours, for maybe four or five minutes. Not the longest by any stretch. But the intensity… the feeling of terror, it was up there with the worst.”

“You’ve had bad episodes, but you’ve never called for an emergency meeting before. What are you not telling me?” There was a compassionate insistence in the doctor’s tone.

Nope.

Good writing, but I think in this case that the writer is withholding too much. I became frustrated with not knowing what “it” was. Nor do I have an idea of the stakes.

Since I was able to read on, I learned that the “it” was an hallucination. But, in six pages, I never learned what the hallucination was, nor were there any troubles or consequences--the writer didn’t send all of the chapter, so I couldn’t look ahead for more-compelling narrative. My advice is to spend less on the character’s ruminating about shadows and feelings and giving the reader something to be interested in, not a vague, unknown unpleasantness--and, so far, it is only an unpleasantness because there is no suggestion of jeopardy or harm in what you read here. Notes:

“It’s getting worse, Stanley.” Finn gazed out of the third floor window. The sun had now passed behind the two skyscrapers looming opposite, and long, menacing shadows carved across the green below. Feelings of reassurance when in the company of his old friend could not quell the anxiety that he suppressed; an intrinsic and tremulous flutter of the heart deep within, like a storm cloud out over choppy seas that is upon you with an all-encompassing fury while you are still stood in awe. (For me, the last description of the anxiety was one line too much. You can give me this later, and it would be much more effective if it was in the context of me at last knowing what had happened to him.)

“In what way?”

“Many ways.” (This non-answer was frustrating and a waste of space for me. Oh, it tells us that the character doesn’t want to talk about it--but the reader wants to know what the heck she’s reading about.)

“But it happened last night? Hence the late appointment?”

Finn shuddered at the thought as he leant on the sill. Shadows were creeping across the city and his soul. Night was drawing near. Light only overpowers dark outside the mind. “It was a bad one,” he conceded. “Happened in the early hours, for maybe four or five minutes. Not the longest by any stretch. But the intensity… the feeling of terror, it was up there with the worst.” (Shuddered at the thought of what? A bad WHAT? The second deletion was an effort to avoid diluting the part that troubles him.)

“You’ve had bad episodes, but you’ve never called for an emergency meeting before. What are you not telling me?” There was a compassionate insistence in the doctor’s tone. (Bad episodes of WHAT? What is this story about? What happened to the character? At this stage, those are not good story questions but an expression of what’s missing.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Holly--would you turn the page?

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Save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

 Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

 What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

Holly sends this opening.  

 She heard the bar door creak and edged back into the shadows of the alley, where it smelled like piss and sour dishtowels. If this is where he wanted to get his thrill, it was fine with her. The barroom door opened, and she saw her playmate’s silhouette in the glare of ruby red neon.

She thought of herself as Lisa, at least for this game. Once, she had called herself Celeste, but that was for another game, a long time ago. This was much better. No matter how many times she played, it still gave her a thrill.

She closed her eyes and waited for him. At last, he placed his hands against her and eased her deeper into the darkness. Just as she could move no farther, she felt the rasp of his beard and his hot breath on her neck. His scent was intoxicating.

He was one of her better playmates, fully involved, enjoying it as it played out. He just didn’t know how it would end. As he pushed against her, she could feel the rhythmic thump of western music through the wall. She drew her hand across the taut muscles of his stomach. So easy.

 He tried to kiss her but found himself stepping back instead. He thought that was odd, why would he do that? He tried to move close to her again, but instead, his legs gave way, and he sat down on the concrete, hard. Excruciating pain began to roll through him. He leaned forward (snip)

Yes.

The writing is good and this is definitely an immediate scene with tension and story questions. The head-hopping from her point of view into his bothered me, but that can be fixed. A provocative opening.

Tell you what: I’m going to do a little trimming and shaping to get rid of the head-hopping and include whatever narrative can be added to the first page as a result.

She heard the bar door creak and edged back into the shadows of the alley, where it smelled like piss and sour dishtowels. If this is was where he wanted to get his thrill, it was fine with her. The barroom door opened, and she saw her playmate’s silhouette in the glare of ruby-red neon.

She thought of herself as Lisa, at least for this game. Once she had called herself Celeste, but that was for another game, a long time ago. This was much better. No matter how many times she played, it still gave her a thrill.

She closed her eyes and waited for him. At last, he placed his hands against her and eased her deeper into the darkness. Just as she could move no farther, she felt the rasp of his beard and his hot breath on her neck. His scent was intoxicating.

He was one of her better playmates, fully involved, enjoying it as it played out. He just didn’t know how it would end. As he pushed against her, she could feel the rhythmic thump of western music through the wall. She drew her hand across the taut muscles of his stomach. So easy.

He tried to kiss her but found himself stepping stepped back instead. He thought that was odd, why would he do that? He tried to move close to her again, but instead, his legs gave way, and he sat down on the concrete, hard. Excruciating pain began to roll through him. He leaned forward and screamed. She reached down and caressed his throat. The scream ended

She loved this part.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Jane--would you turn the page?

Moonlight and Oranges Elise Stephens

Destined love ... A secret dream journal … A psychic’s riddle ...

Lorona Connelly is ready for a change from her carefully planned, bookish life. When sparks fly at a costume party, she embraces a chance for romance with the handsome Kestrin Feather. However, she quickly realizes that even love and destiny may not be enough to overcome the reality of an overprotective mother-in-law and Kestrin’s long, tarnished history of relationships. When Lorona’s curiosity leads her to Kestrin’s journal, doubt plagues them both with insecurities and threatens the relationship. Can true love overcome the odds, or was their whirlwind romance just a frivolous crush?

Note: I have not read most of the books on the bookshelf, and no endorsement is intended--but they could be terrific! Check 'em out.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

Jane sends this opening chapter.  

 Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But, I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair and rocked gently back and forth.

“Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner that Whit decided to start a business. He cashed in his life insurance and bought a one thousand dollar burial policy instead. With each paid premium, I increased the face value of the burial policy, as Whit directed.” 

“What business?”

“A photography service. I believe he called it ‘Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied.

“He did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. “Thank you, Mr. Bonner,” she remembered to say as she left his office.

When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that the shelves along the front wall shook and four of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. On the way to the kitchen, she paused long enough to kick the papers and envelopes until they were in a messy pile in front of the couch.  

Almost

The writing is pretty solid (could use just a little copyediting), and the character definitely has a problem--but we have no idea of what the stakes are. What does this development mean to her life? What problems does it cause?

Unfortunately, Jane sent only a page of narrative and I have no idea of the story after this, so I couldn’t go looking for more that would crank up the tension. However, there are some edits that could be made in this to make room on the first page for more tension. Notes:

Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But I paid the premiums for the twenty-five-thousand-dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair and rocked gently back and forth.

 “Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner, that Whit decided to start a business. He cashed in his life insurance and bought a one thousand dollar burial policy instead. With each paid premium, I increased the face value of the burial policy, as Whit directed.”  We don’t need these process details.

 “What business?”

 “A photography service. I believe he called it Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied.

“He did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. “Thank you, Mr. Bonner,” she remembered to say as she left his office. Here is where her interior monologue could give us a hint of her troubles.

 When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that the shelves along the front wall shook and four of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. On the way to the kitchen, she paused long enough to kick She kicked the papers and envelopes until they were in a messy pile in front of the couch. More opportunity to characterize and show how she feels about Whitmore and what the situation he’s left her in is.     

Comments, please?

For what it's worth

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your entire 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Brigitte--would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

 Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

 Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

Brigitte sends the opening to Song of Naomi.

 I was the next one up.

Adrenaline shot through me.

Focus! I’m ready – I feel it in my bones.

“Naomi Zemer,” the stage manager announced. I stood and assumed my singing posture.

I entered stage right with long confident strides. I can do this – for Mama, for our dream. I posed and pasted on my star-of-the-show face. There were four judges sitting halfway up the center row in Hubbard Theater, a cozy theater of two hundred and eighty one seats. The lights were a casual amber glow: dim house lights, full stage lights, no spot light. 

At the director’s prompt, I bowed and announced, “I would like to sing for you today: ‘Who Is There To Love Me?’ by Samuel Barber from A Hand of Bridge.”

My heart was racing as I made it to the end of my last note. The directors hadn’t cut me off. They chose the second song: “Entre L’amour et Le Devoir,” (Between Love and Duty) an aria from Benvenuto Cellini by Hector Berlioz.

Electricity charged my veins when I ended. I nailed every note, my vibrato was constant and I delivered every bit of staging I rehearsed. I was my character. Mama called it mushin.

All my life, I had trained for this moment. Stakes were higher then ever before. Will the Manhattan School of Music consider me their caliber? They graded my voice high enough for (snip)

Yes, but. . .

The writing is clean, the voice attractive, and the character in engaged in something risky and important to her. This opening suggests that something could go wrong, which creates tension, and the story questions in my mind encouraged a page turn.

However . . . I get to read all of the chapter submitted, and my expectations weren’t fulfilled. She does succeed, and much of the chapter becomes exposition about her life and friends. The tension and story promised by the opening page wasn’t there. This is good writing, so I encourage Brigitte to look later in her story for its true beginning, the place where something happens to throw this happy, successful young woman’s life out of kilter. That’s where the story starts.

Comments, please?

For what it's worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Last Holiday Bookshelf, a reality check, a bookshelf poll

There was just one submission left, so I’ve added my writing book so it wouldn’t be alone. And, after all, ‘tis the season to give writers books, right?

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To Promote the General Welfare Edward Wallace Richbourg
Dean Granville has one thing on his mind ... convincing his girlfriend to marry him ... until he's arrested for murder. Dean covers college sports for the Washington Post, aiming to become a White House correspondent.

Virginia Governor Eugene Simpson has designs on the presidency. But he makes the mistake of vacationing in The Bahamas with his mistress. Several people have reasons to want Simpson out of the way. The timing is perfect.

As Dean begins to investigate, the trail leads him back to Virginia and Washington, DC for the showdown with the murderer of the governor and his mistress.

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Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells Ray Rhamey
Laura Abbott, Amber Quill Press: “As an owner and managing editor of a publishing company, I’ve read many submissions that were near-misses. If the writers had had the benefit of this book, they’d be published now. Witty, funny, and engaging, this is a must-read for the burgeoning storyteller and serious novelist.”

Dan Conaway, literary agent, Writers House: “Ray’s book provides the sort of practical, sensible advice that really can help you become a better writer.”

Tess Gerritsen, bestselling author: “A must-have for any novelist--published or aspiring. It’s one of the most readable, entertaining books on writing out there.”

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Reality check

With writers putting their books “out there” on the Holiday Bookshelf, it got me to thinking about the “reality check” of reader reviews that these writers are exposing themselves too. Most of the ones I get appear on Amazon, so I looked mine up.

 

You never know

The Vamipire Kitty-cat Chronicles is, to my way of thinking, just a humorous romp, a spoof of vampires and a social satire. Harmless, I thought. But it received one 1-star and two 2-star reviews from people who disliked it a lot. However, enough other readers agree with my take on it to keep the average rating at 4 stars.

Considering the goodly number of writers who have bought Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells and given reviews, I’m really honored by the average of 4+ stars. I like to teach and mentor, and to have feedback that I’m helping other writers  makes my day.

 Do you have any review stories about your books?

 More bookshelves?

Let me ask you this: I think I should do more “bookshelves” for writers to showcase their books. I could do it one week a month. What do you think? Tell me on the poll. Multiple choices can be made.

Happy Holidays!

Ray

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© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kendra and Holiday Bookshelf 5

 

The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles Ray Rhamey
Vampire mythology is upended when Patch, a calico tomcat, is turned into breakfast--and a vampire kitty-cat--by a starving vampire. Narrated by Patch in a deliciously snarky cat take on the world, he struggles to find a new life, as it were, in which he's tried for murder, almost shotgunned into undead pieces, kidnapped twice, and turned into a (shudder) politician. As it turns out, life doesn’t get any easier after you’re dead.  5-star Midwest Book Review: “Superbly crafted by an inventive and skilled storyteller. Enthusiastically recommended for anyone who would enjoy a terrifically original and thoroughly entertaining yarn!”

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Lyon’s Legacy Sandra Ulbrich Almazan
Lyon’s Legacy--Scientist Joanna Lyon despises her great-grandfather, legendary TwenCen musician Sean Lyon. Her uncle wants to clone him, even if he has to send Jo through a wormhole to an alternate universe where Sean still lives. Fearing the clone will be mistreated, Jo agrees to go so she can secretly sabotage the project. Then she learns she won’t be allowed to return home without Sean’s DNA, and other time travelers want to make sure she doesn’t tell her ancestor how he dies. Can she still thwart her uncle's plan, and what will she have to sacrifice to do so?

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White Russian Edward Wallace Richbourg
Alexei Kikalishvili demands justice for the brutal murder of the parents of eight-year-old Maria Tarpischeva. Ten years later, with Maria, the reigning Wimbledon champion, financially secure and able to live on her own, he aims for revenge. He doesn't realize how much trouble that's about to cause him.
CIA agent Yuri Skurikov offers Alexei a Hobson's choice: assist Yuri in foiling the sale of a Russian submarine by the Merchant of Death to a Colombian drug cartel or face prosecution for murder.
The flippant, even irreverent, Alexei often entertains during his tragic global quest for revenge against the Russian Mafiya.

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Blood Scourge G. Dedrick Robinson
U.S. Destroyer attacks the submarine carrying its new superbug. Years later, it kills people on a remote Philippine island. The CDC's Dr. Kristin St John thinks the outbreak is contained but Russian educated virologist turned terrorist Rishad Zharmakhan obtains a sample to unleash in American cities. Kristin tries to stop a missile strike on Zharmakhan's lab, fearing it might disperse the virus rather than destroying it, but it's too late. Now mutated into an unimaginably virulent strain, hundreds, then thousands are dying.

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Send your published book for a place on the bookshelf. I've just one more book to put on the shelf next Monday, so if you'd like some exposure to holiday book buyers, submit your book according to the directions here.

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Flogometer for Kendra: would you turn the page?

Kendra sends the opening to A Girl Called Graye.

City of Destiny, Oregon Territories, 1880

Ms. Ophelia Mudd knew precisely how to deal with wayward girls in her care. A firm hand, hard work, and no coddling. Oh yes, Ms. Ophelia had more than one theory about how to care for degenerate children. Her girls weren't destined for extraordinary things, Prince Charmings, or any other flights of fancy. Or so she thought.

 It would be nice to think that Ms. Ophelia merely had the girls' best interests at heart, but alas, that was not the case. Ms. Ophelia was a true wart of a woman in both personality and appearance. She looked as if she’d been squashed by some giant compressor, causing her chin to sit squarely on her chest. Her breathing, perhaps affected by her diminutive neck, made little whistling noises with each breath she took as she shuffled from place to place with arms too long for her podgy body. A mobile lung followed along where ever she went, puffing and hissing as it squeaked along the floor on large iron wheels.

 On this bright Sunday morning Ms. Ophelia lined up her girls from eldest to youngest in the long drawing room for inspection and lecture, as she did every Sunday. She walked along the line in near silence, saving for hisses from the mobile lung. Steel tubing coiled from the puffing machine and around Ms. Ophelia's head like a thin metallic serpent, resting on her hairy upper lip with its two blunt fangs inserted into her flaring nostrils.

Yes for me

This made me think of the first Harry Potter novel, which opens with colorful, detestable antagonists. There's no protagonist here yet, but there it tension in the air--what will this creature do to the girls? The voice and the writing were strong for me, and this is one of those cases where voice adds enough impetus to get the page turned. Oh, there are little edits I would suggest, but they are minor.

That said, I would look, if I were Kendra, for a way to get the nature of her caretaker onto the first page, perhaps trimming some of the description. The reason is that this seems to be a steam punk paranormal story, and the more clues up front the merrier. Here’s the relevant narrative from later in the story:

Betel Daggett was a scruffy old man with blackened teeth and lips as red as fresh blood. The deep wrinkles in his face could have hidden coins within them. Most of all, and possibly the real reason Ms. Ophelia hired him, was the white-faced terror he inspired in the girls. Their fear was justified, but not for reasons any of them dared imagine. Betel Daggett was what Daytimers would call a vampire (albeit a very old, very kind, and very wise vampire).

Comments, please?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Holiday Bookshelf #4

Finding Magic Ray Rhamey

Annie is a gifted healer with mental abilities that enable her to slow aging, cure disease, heal a heart from the inside . . . or crush an enemy’s as it beats. She hides to escape persecution that has haunted her people through the ages, but a Homeland Security agent penetrates Annie’s disguise. On the run as a suspected terrorist, an even greater threat arises when a kinsman bent on avenging the murder of his son creates an unstoppable killer plague. Annie is the only hope for billions of people . . . if she can evade capture.

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Remix Lexi Revellian

Caz Tallis is living her dream, restoring rocking horses in her London workshop. When she finds shabby but charismatic Joe and his dog asleep on her roof terrace, she is reluctantly drawn into investigating a missing rock star and an unsolved murder. Then she discovers Joe is not the ordinary guy he says he is. Should she continue to trust him, or go straight to the police as James, her best friend, wants her to?

She has to discover who is lying to her, and who is telling the truth, before she too becomes a target for the killer...

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No Time to Cry Rose Campion

Sue wants just two things from life, lots of dough and her very own Prince Charming. With Walt Stanlee wrapped around her little finger, the son of the richest man in town, she's on her way to getting the dough. In the midst of fending off Walt's pleas to get married until he comes up with more cash, she falls for the suave and debonair Alex as hard as a load of bricks dropped from an eighty-story building. Running off with him to be married, this small-town mistress of the scam, soon lands herself in a situation involving blackmail and murder.

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Piercing Through the Darkness Emerald Barnes

It’s on the edge of her memory like a word on the tip of her tongue, but Kandi can’t remember what it is to save her life. Despite being a cop, Jimmy can’t protect Kandi from the one thing that haunts her. She’s in danger and doesn’t even know it. After it happened, her brain repressed her memories of the accident, and now, she’s taking a Biology class under a man who wants to see her dead. The memories have started coming back, and it feels like she’s miles away from him.

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The Hazards of Hunting While Heartbroken Mari Passananti

 The Hazards of Hunting While Heartbroken tells the story of Zoë Clark, a young woman who sets out to find a man to solve her problems. Instead she finds herself facing her own shortcomings, testing her oldest friendships and realizing that she has the power to make herself happy.

Packed with snappy dialogue and playful wit, The Hazards of Hunting While Heartbroken will strike a chord with any woman who’s ever allowed herself to think, My life would be perfect, if I could just meet the right guy.

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If you would like to submit a book for the Holiday Bookshelf, see the directions on this FtQ post.

Happy Book-buying!

Ray

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© 2011 Ray Rhamey