Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Hege—would you turn the first page?

---

Call for submissions I’ll exhaust submissions for floggings in a week or so, so please send in your opening prologue or chapter if you’d like a good, honest critique. And if you don’t, it’ll just be me yapping about something or the other. Thanks.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Hege has sent the opening to The Silver Bell.

Snow had started to fall outside, spraying shadows with glimmering crystals. With it came an oppressive silence, heavy, almost audible. The street lamps formed spheres of warm light in the darkness.

The transforming town was a spectacle Keria Lovell enjoyed every year. Dirt tracks became enchanted pathways, trash piles became fairy mounds and even the darkest alleys were filled with twinkling diamonds.

One of her cats purred as she fondled its ear. Winter was here at last, and it would be good for business. Herbal remedies always sold well in cold weather. This one might prove especially profitable, considering the new arrivals lately. They would buy their perfumes somewhere, and she sold the best in town.

Her father, a hard-headed farmer of northern Snowpeak Wall, had grumbled when she set off to the big city. If he had been here to see her now, perhaps he would agree with her choice. But he had been dead for a few years, and would never see the shop she had nurtured like a child.

She smiled at the cat in her lap and sipped the warm cup of tea she was holding in her free hand. That was past and this present was more than she could have wished for. Her life’s work surrounded her here, where perfumed scents reached her from the shop below. Even if (snip)

No, but . . .

I quite liked the voice and the writing, all well done. But I think there’s a little too much of settling into life-before-things-happen, a bit of throat-clearing. On the next page it turns out that this is a special and different world, and trouble enters Keria’s life.

So, rather than notes on this opening, I went to that second page and have cobbled together pieces from both pages to construct, using Hege’s own words (edited), an alternative that has more in terms of story questions and tension. Take a look, and then give another vote.

Snow fell outside, spraying shadows with glimmering crystals. With it came an oppressive silence, heavy, almost audible. The street lamps formed spheres of warm light in the darkness. Runes glowed across their glass, and the sight of them still amazed Keria. She reminded herself to contact one of the dwarven smiths and order one for herself. If for nothing else, just so she could look at those runes more closely.

She closed the curtains with a satisfied sigh and crawled under the blankets of her warm bed. A cat lay down beside her, another settled in the hallway near the door down to her shop.

Keria turned off her own rune-less lamp and watched the soft glow of those from the street sift through the curtains. The shop would be closed tomorrow and she’d have time to sleep in and go for a walk through Pinetree Park.

Was that a sound?

She heard it loud and clear next time. It was a soft bump against a wooden wall of her shop below. In the silence of the sleeping town, it stood out like a cymbal in a string orchestra.

A low shuffling sounded over the loud beating of her heart. It came from inside. She swallowed a cold lump of fear in her throat. Someone was inside her shop.

Another bump against a wall and a low crash as one of her herbal bottles shattered on the floor. Burglars, she thought, this time calmer. They wouldn’t come up here. She managed a thought of (snip)

Note how the first paragraph now sets the scene with detail that lets you know this isn’t an ordinary world, and the fourth paragraph introduces a disturbance in this peaceful scene of life-before-things-happen. While this version isn’t crammed with tension, perhaps the combination of the writing with its story questions would do better. What did you think?

As always, your comments are helpful to the writer, so please share your thoughts.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer: Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Please consider nominating FtQ as a Top 10 blog for writers

The annual top 10 blogs for writers conference on the Write to Done website is now running. Writers have until December 10 to nominate blogs.

I would appreciate it if you would nominate FtQ. Here are the guidelines:

How to Nominate Your Favorite Writing Blog:

• Nominate your favorite blog in the comment section.
• You have only one vote (only your first will be counted).
• Please include the web address of the blog.
• Explain why you think the blog is worthy of winning this year’s award.

To make the cut, a blog must be nominated more than once.

Nominations must be received by 10 December, 2011.

The URL to use for FtQ is: www.floggingthequill.com

More information is here.

Thanks in advance for your support.

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Good words for we storytellers

I was consumed by a novel this holiday, something that rarely happens. Before picking up The Night Circus to read, I had been struggling with reading John Grisham’s The Confession, which is about a topic of interest to me, but the characters were unappealing and the action turgid.

But The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern was a treat. It took me to a wonderful “world” inside a fantastical circus, its rich imaginings fascinating a every turn. And, for me, so was the story. I found the writing to often be elegant, and always involving.

Here’s the opening paragraph from Erin Morgenstern’s debut novel (getting tons of praise), The Night Circus:

The Circus arrives without warning.

I know it’s a one-sentence paragraph, but I could not help but read on. Story questions pop up. No warning? Why? Who ever heard of a circus coming to town without being preceded by tons of hoopla? Mysterious, eh? A little further down the page, you are rewarded with more mystery, a sign on the gates that says “Opens at Nightfall, Closes at Dawn.”

I give the novel 5 stars—while it does not make you as intimate with the characters in the way I would like, you get enough of them, and they are fascinating characters, including one of the most loathsome fathers I’ve ever met in fiction. You keep hoping he will get what comes to him, and, well . . . you'll see.

But here are words for us

At the very end, there’s a conversation about the value of stories, and a character says this:

”It (storytelling) is important. Someone needs to tell those tales. When the battles are fought and lost, when the pirates find their treasures and the dragons eat their foes for breakfast with a nice cup of Lapsang souchong, someone needs to tell their bits of overlapping narrative. There’s magic in that. It’s in the listener, and for each and every ear it will be different, and it will affect them in ways they can never predict. From the mundane to the profound. You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone’s soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and who knows what they might do because of it, because of your words. That is your role, your gift.”

I think that’s true. From the briefest picture book to an easy-reading middle-grade novel to, well, just about anything we write, there is that chance. That possibility of connecting with someone in a lasting way. It may only be one sentence amongst many hundreds, but it’s there.

So 3 cheers for us storytellers, and 5 stars for The Night Circus.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Words

Word for the day: stuffed. Taking the day off to, er, digest my Thanksgiving experience.

Meanwhile, here is an article about “troublesome words” that sometimes trip us up by Susan Perry, Ph.D., on her Psychology Today blog, Creating in Flow.

Later,

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Mel—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Mel has sent the opening to Catch a Killer, Save the World.

Eddie Bremer squirmed in the back seat of the SpeeDee delivery van. “What if someone sees us?”

The dim street light illuminated Tommy Devlin’s sneer as he turned off the engine and reached for the driver’s door. “Don’t go getting paranoid. Won’t be long before we’ll be calling the fuckin’ area Little Arabia. We already got Little Vietnam. Once we get a few more of them ragheads to leave, the rest’ll take the hint. What the hell’re you afraid of?”

Lee Howell opened the passenger door. The heat slapped him in the face as he turned toward Devlin. “You know. Guerevich. He’s a fucking gila monster once he gets onto a case.”

The weak florescent glow from the Arab-owned convenience store reflected the lightning logo on the side of the van.

Devlin, whose son had been beheaded by Muslim extremists in Iraq, stepped down from the van. “This’s for Billy.” He muttered the words under his breath as he ran his hand over his mouth and the bushy, greying mustache he had grown to de-emphasize his ping-pong-ball nose.

The three men looked around, walked to the door, and stopped. They smelled the oily asphalt and listened for traffic. There was none.

Howell whispered as he reached for the handle. “I’m still worried about Guerevich.”

Yes, but . . .

The immediate scene is fairly well rendered, and the story questions were strong enough to get me to turn the page. And the subject of anti-Arab attacks is a current and relevant one. But my “but” arose because I wasn’t so sure the remaining narrative would hold up. Attention to point of view is a bit loose—while this may be written from an omniscient POV, head-hopping bothers me (as it does a number of editors). And there was a clarity issue, too. I’ll point these out in my notes.

Eddie Bremer squirmed in the back seat of the SpeeDee delivery van. “What if someone sees us?”

The dim street light illuminated Tommy Devlin’s sneer as he turned off the engine and reached for the driver’s door. “Don’t go getting paranoid. Won’t be long before we’ll be calling the fuckin’ area Little Arabia. We already got Little Vietnam. Once we get a few more of them ragheads to leave, the rest’ll take the hint. What the hell’re you afraid of?” The description of the street light showing the sneer suggests that the POV character is not Devlin . . . but later we’re in his POV.

Lee Howell opened the passenger door. The heat slapped him in the face as he turned toward Devlin. “You know. Guerevich. He’s a fucking gila Gila monster once he gets onto a case.”

The weak florescent glow from the Arab-owned convenience store reflected the lightning logo on the side of the van. The clarity issue—how can a glow reflect something? I think what is meant that the glow illuminated the logo and that the logo/van is reflected in the store window. But it doesn’t say that.

Devlin, whose son had been beheaded by Muslim extremists in Iraq, stepped down from the van. “This’s for Billy.” He muttered the words under his breath as he ran his hand over his mouth and the bushy, greying mustache he had grown to de-emphasize his ping-pong-ball nose. This pretty much puts in the POV of Devlin, although at a time like this I seriously doubt he would be thinking of the color of his mustache, what his nose looks like, and why he grew the mustache. It’s really the author trying to slip us some information.

The three men looked around, walked to the door, and stopped. They smelled the oily asphalt and listened for traffic. There was none. For me, this is non-productive exposition. Get on with it. There are better lines coming up that could have been on the first page to intensify the tension. This is one of them: This’s just like before. No one’s going to get killed. That foreshadowing would increase the tension.

Howell whispered as he reached for the handle. “I’m still worried about Guerevich.” This focus on setting up a future character detracts, for this reader, from the momentum of the story. It is explained on the next page.

Speaking of the next page, the narrative head-hops right in to the POV of the store owner, right in the middle of the flow of description. I found it jarring. The POV shifts several times in the chapter. Curiously, while we’re in the storekeeper’s POV, he sees a character do something and somehow knows the cause of the action, and then immediately tells something else that the storekeeper “could not know.” But he could not have known the cause of the preceding action, either. This inconsistency will cripple the credibility of the narrative.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

It must be Monday

I got involved in an ebook design project and forgot all about a post for today. So I thought I'd share with you my twist on Murphy's Law, a series of cartoons I created under the banner "It must be Monday."

Here's the conceptual art (that I've put on coffee mugs).

And here is one of the toons from the series. There are a few more that I'll post.

For what it's worth.

 

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Holly—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Holly has sent the opening to a short short story titled Rules of the Game.

My name is Hobert Dellicott. I steal cars, run numbers, and pull a few stickups, you know, whatever I can do to keep my head above water. I’ve never been what you’d call really successful, but I’ve never been caught and nobody could pick me out of a lineup. I think that’s pretty good.

Darien Klimo, an acquaintance from back in the war, told me about a big score, an Akron bank that was just begging us to rob it. They handled payroll for B. F. Goodrich and most of the employees came in on Fridays to cash their vouchers. There was a lot of money in the Akron Mercantile Bank, maybe half a million. At least that’s what Klimo said. I owed a bookie in Cleveland who was going to shoot me, so I was all in. Klimo wanted to bring his cousin Joe in for ten percent. I thought that was a stupid idea, Joe being a real dumb shit and all. Klimo probably owed his aunt a favor, or something, because he just kept griping about it. When he threatened to pull the job without me, I had to give in. Joe and I would hit the bank while Klimo waited out front in his Studebaker. In and out, with bags of cash. What could go wrong?

The following Friday, the three of us pulled up to the curb. We were wearing overalls, work boots, and denim shirts. As we entered, we pulled bandannas up to cover the lower part of our faces.

Nope.

The writing and voice are good, the tone is nicely conversational, but the story opens with someone talking at me, and I quickly learn that he isn’t exactly the kind of character that I feel a connection with. The stakes are high—he’ll be killed if he doesn’t pay off a bookie—but, since I don’t really care about this petty criminal, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing. Now, if he needed the money to get his little girl to the doctor, it could be different.

I didn’t think we needed the backstory about Army buddies, etc.—seems like a short short should start with something happening. Bottom line, I didn’t care about this guy and nothing much was happening. I don’t really have much in the way of nit-picks. We just need more story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

A possible smile for you

It’s been a long while since I posted my little animated cartoon on the ever-present writer-topic of rejection. Even though the form has changed since cave days, the pain remains.

But first, here’s a new review of Finding Magic.

A riveting work of modern fantasy, highly recommended, Midwest Book Reviews
When something is not understood, it is feared. "Finding Magic" follows Annie, the latest in a long line of a clan with the power to save or destroy lives. When a government agent finds that her clan has this power, she finds her people under the gun as terrorists, and with the outbreak a new plague that could end humanity, she finds that more than ever she must live and be free or else there will be nothing to protect. "Finding Magic" is a riveting work of modern fantasy, highly recommended.

And now for something completely different. (90 seconds)

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Andy—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Andy has sent the opening chapter of Tarantula.

It was deadly dark and all I could see were the grey, mud-caked boots of the guy in front of me lit up by the light from my head torch. Everything else was black. They would shuffle slowly forward and I would follow. Every now and then he would stop and I would notice too late and my face would be pressed up against the sole of his boot, covering my face with more of the grey clay that we had become so intimate with. We were shuffling along flat on our stomachs, muffling out private curses in between heavy pants of breath from the exhaustion that we all felt. The air in the tunnel felt thick, warm and stale. It was difficult to breath. We all felt a claustrophic urge to get out; to breathe in cool, clean air, and to feel the rain on our faces. ‘It’s fine’ I kept telling myself, it’s an irrational fear. Of course I can breath.

I had been crawling for almost a minute and had lost my sense of how long the tunnel was. The guy ahead of me stopped again. This time I stopped in time but I felt the guy behind me hit my boots and I heard a muffled curse from behind. I waited for the pair of boots in front to move off again but they didn’t. I tried to look around him to find out what the hesitation was - but couldn’t see a thing. There was a faint light but no space to see. The guy behind poked me in the ass and said.

“Keep moving”

No turn.

Opening with action is good, but, in this case, the action wasn’t grounded in what the character needs. Although he feels tension in his situation, I didn’t. Perhaps it’s a lack of information, specifically, what the situation is and is there any danger. Are they spelunking or on a military mission? Are they moving to just get out of somewhere, or to attack, or to flee enemies? It removes a little of what tension there is to have the character reassure himself that it’s fine.

I found the use of “shuffling” in conjunction with crawling on your belly confusing. According to my dictionary, to shuffle means “to move or walk in a sliding, dragging manner without lifting the feet.”

I was also taken out a little by the character’s references to how they all felt—how would he know how they all felt? Finally, there are writing issues. The very next sentence after this switches to present tense, and then shifts back to past tense a few pages later. I think the writing need to be crisper—there were echoes of words, and places it could be tightened—and try to avoid long paragraph blocks. Notes:

It was deadly dark and all I could see were the grey, mud-caked boots of the guy in front of me lit up by the light from my head torch. Everything else was black. They would shuffle slowly forward and I would follow. Every now and then he would stop and I would notice too late and my face would be pressed up press against the sole of his boot and I’d add to it, covering my face with more of the grey clay that we had become so intimate with. Here’s where “shuffle” was confusing. I was fine with it until his face pressed against the boots and here I was thinking that they were walking. The fact that they’re on their stomachs isn’t revealed until after this. I made the editorial suggestion to avoid the repetition of “my face.” It’s not artful, and I’m sure you can do better. I’m adding a paragraph break here so my eyes can breathe.

We were shuffling along flat on our stomachs, muffling out private curses in between heavy pants of breath from the exhaustion that we all felt. The air in the tunnel felt thick, warm and stale. It was difficult to breath. We all I felt a claustrophic urge to get out; to breathe in cool, clean air, and to feel the rain on our faces my face. ‘It’s fine’ I kept telling myself, it’s an irrational fear. Of course I can breath. Another misuse, for me, of "shuffle." Also, to much use of "felt."

I had been crawling for almost a minute and had lost my sense of how long the tunnel was. The guy ahead of me stopped again. This time I stopped in time but I felt the guy behind me hit my boots and I heard a muffled curse from behind. I waited for the pair of boots in front to move off again, but they didn’t. I tried to look around him to find out what the hesitation was, - but couldn’t see a thing. There was a faint light but no space to see. The guy behind poked me in the ass and said,“Keep moving” Cut out some repetition and overwriting. Also moved the dialogue next to the dialogue tag and used a comma instead of a period.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Melody—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Melody has sent a short short story Road Sign.

She read the bloody and crimson colored sign in the bright moonlight. Thinking again about her dream from the previous night, the motel sign seemed as though it was bleeding from within. Dr Miranda Chase had never been to the Good Tymes motel, but she is determined to see for herself if her dream has any meaning to the murder cases. Haunted by the images from that fitful sleep, she speeds through the night.

After a back to back stint in the emergency room, exhausted, she was called to the morgue and confronted by several FBI agents, brandishing files. Seven women killed in a 9 month period had been processed through the city morgues, but the last victim was the first for this hospital.

Each victim had their heart removed, but a heart shaped carving was left in the undamaged tissue above. Left in the chest cavity was an assortment of crushed rose petals. The Feds are sure they are dealing with a specific type of serial killer, But they do not yet understand his message.

As she sped down Rt. 10, her cell phone chimed, the screen said Abby. “Young Lady, where are you?” her fathers’ voice boomed in her ear,

Mandy winced and sighed. She made a mental note to have Abbey password protect her phone when she gets home. But then, knowing her dad, he’d have one of the guys on his staff at Quantico crack it soon after.

No turn.

Although the gruesome details of the crime were provocative and raised story questions, as an editor, the mistakes started to get to me (and remember, the first page foreshadows the rest of the manuscript). As a reader, confusion had begun to set in. First the character is reading a sign and then she speeds through the night. Then we go to backstory, and then to speeding down the highway again, and then . . . The narrative establishes a crime, but her role isn’t clear. I think this needs more thought and a more linear narrative—start in a place and move forward from there. Notes:

She read the bloody and crimson colored sign in the bright moonlight. Thinking again about her dream from the previous night, the motel sign seemed as though it was bleeding from within. Dr. Miranda Chase had never been to the Good Tymes motel, but she is was determined to see for herself if her dream has had any meaning to the murder cases. Haunted by the images from that fitful sleep, she speeds sped through the night. Seems to me that “bloody” evokes the color. And adding “colored” to a color is redundant. As mentioned before, she’s reading the sign and then speeding through the night (as it turns out, to go to the motel where she is reading the sign). I’m confused. I did like the imagery of the sign bleeding from within. Referring to a dream without letting the reader in on what was significant about it is a bit of a cheat, and spends words on something that doesn’t have meaning for the reader.

After a back-to-back stint in the emergency room, exhausted, she was had been called to the morgue and confronted by several FBI agents, brandishing files. Seven women killed in a 9 nine-month period had been processed through the city morgues, but the last victim was the first for this her hospital.

Each victim’s heart had been had their heart removed, but and a heart-shaped carving was left in the undamaged tissue above. Left in the chest cavity was an assortment of crushed rose petals. The Feds were are sure they were are dealing with a specific type of serial killer, Bbut they do did not yet understand his message.

As she sped down Rte. 10, her cell phone chimed, ; the screen said Abby. “Young Lady, where are you?” her fathers’ father’svoice boomed in her ear,

Mandy winced and sighed. She made a mental note to have Abbey (Abby?) password-protect her phone when she gets got home. But then, knowing her dad, he’d have one of the guys on his staff at Quantico crack it soon after. A good way to introduce her father, but not good timing.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey