The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Mel has sent the opening to Catch a Killer, Save the World.
Eddie Bremer squirmed in the back seat of the SpeeDee delivery van. “What if someone sees us?”
The dim street light illuminated Tommy Devlin’s sneer as he turned off the engine and reached for the driver’s door. “Don’t go getting paranoid. Won’t be long before we’ll be calling the fuckin’ area Little Arabia. We already got Little Vietnam. Once we get a few more of them ragheads to leave, the rest’ll take the hint. What the hell’re you afraid of?”
Lee Howell opened the passenger door. The heat slapped him in the face as he turned toward Devlin. “You know. Guerevich. He’s a fucking gila monster once he gets onto a case.”
The weak florescent glow from the Arab-owned convenience store reflected the lightning logo on the side of the van.
Devlin, whose son had been beheaded by Muslim extremists in Iraq, stepped down from the van. “This’s for Billy.” He muttered the words under his breath as he ran his hand over his mouth and the bushy, greying mustache he had grown to de-emphasize his ping-pong-ball nose.
The three men looked around, walked to the door, and stopped. They smelled the oily asphalt and listened for traffic. There was none.
Howell whispered as he reached for the handle. “I’m still worried about Guerevich.”
Yes, but . . .
The immediate scene is fairly well rendered, and the story questions were strong enough to get me to turn the page. And the subject of anti-Arab attacks is a current and relevant one. But my “but” arose because I wasn’t so sure the remaining narrative would hold up. Attention to point of view is a bit loose—while this may be written from an omniscient POV, head-hopping bothers me (as it does a number of editors). And there was a clarity issue, too. I’ll point these out in my notes.
Eddie Bremer squirmed in the back seat of the SpeeDee delivery van. “What if someone sees us?”
The dim street light illuminated Tommy Devlin’s sneer as he turned off the engine and reached for the driver’s door. “Don’t go getting paranoid. Won’t be long before we’ll be calling the fuckin’ area Little Arabia. We already got Little Vietnam. Once we get a few more of them ragheads to leave, the rest’ll take the hint. What the hell’re you afraid of?” The description of the street light showing the sneer suggests that the POV character is not Devlin . . . but later we’re in his POV.
Lee Howell opened the passenger door. The heat slapped him in the face as he turned toward Devlin. “You know. Guerevich. He’s a fucking gila Gila monster once he gets onto a case.”
The weak florescent glow from the Arab-owned convenience store reflected the lightning logo on the side of the van. The clarity issue—how can a glow reflect something? I think what is meant that the glow illuminated the logo and that the logo/van is reflected in the store window. But it doesn’t say that.
Devlin, whose son had been beheaded by Muslim extremists in Iraq, stepped down from the van. “This’s for Billy.” He muttered the words under his breath as he ran his hand over his mouth and the bushy, greying mustache he had grown to de-emphasize his ping-pong-ball nose. This pretty much puts in the POV of Devlin, although at a time like this I seriously doubt he would be thinking of the color of his mustache, what his nose looks like, and why he grew the mustache. It’s really the author trying to slip us some information.
The three men looked around, walked to the door, and stopped. They smelled the oily asphalt and listened for traffic. There was none. For me, this is non-productive exposition. Get on with it. There are better lines coming up that could have been on the first page to intensify the tension. This is one of them: This’s just like before. No one’s going to get killed. That foreshadowing would increase the tension.
Howell whispered as he reached for the handle. “I’m still worried about Guerevich.” This focus on setting up a future character detracts, for this reader, from the momentum of the story. It is explained on the next page.
Speaking of the next page, the narrative head-hops right in to the POV of the store owner, right in the middle of the flow of description. I found it jarring. The POV shifts several times in the chapter. Curiously, while we’re in the storekeeper’s POV, he sees a character do something and somehow knows the cause of the action, and then immediately tells something else that the storekeeper “could not know.” But he could not have known the cause of the preceding action, either. This inconsistency will cripple the credibility of the narrative.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey