The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Melody has sent a short short story Road Sign.
She read the bloody and crimson colored sign in the bright moonlight. Thinking again about her dream from the previous night, the motel sign seemed as though it was bleeding from within. Dr Miranda Chase had never been to the Good Tymes motel, but she is determined to see for herself if her dream has any meaning to the murder cases. Haunted by the images from that fitful sleep, she speeds through the night.
After a back to back stint in the emergency room, exhausted, she was called to the morgue and confronted by several FBI agents, brandishing files. Seven women killed in a 9 month period had been processed through the city morgues, but the last victim was the first for this hospital.
Each victim had their heart removed, but a heart shaped carving was left in the undamaged tissue above. Left in the chest cavity was an assortment of crushed rose petals. The Feds are sure they are dealing with a specific type of serial killer, But they do not yet understand his message.
As she sped down Rt. 10, her cell phone chimed, the screen said Abby. “Young Lady, where are you?” her fathers’ voice boomed in her ear,
Mandy winced and sighed. She made a mental note to have Abbey password protect her phone when she gets home. But then, knowing her dad, he’d have one of the guys on his staff at Quantico crack it soon after.
No turn.
Although the gruesome details of the crime were provocative and raised story questions, as an editor, the mistakes started to get to me (and remember, the first page foreshadows the rest of the manuscript). As a reader, confusion had begun to set in. First the character is reading a sign and then she speeds through the night. Then we go to backstory, and then to speeding down the highway again, and then . . . The narrative establishes a crime, but her role isn’t clear. I think this needs more thought and a more linear narrative—start in a place and move forward from there. Notes:
She read the bloody and crimson colored sign in the bright moonlight. Thinking again about her dream from the previous night, the motel sign seemed as though it was bleeding from within. Dr. Miranda Chase had never been to the Good Tymes motel, but she is was determined to see for herself if her dream has had any meaning to the murder cases. Haunted by the images from that fitful sleep, she speeds sped through the night. Seems to me that “bloody” evokes the color. And adding “colored” to a color is redundant. As mentioned before, she’s reading the sign and then speeding through the night (as it turns out, to go to the motel where she is reading the sign). I’m confused. I did like the imagery of the sign bleeding from within. Referring to a dream without letting the reader in on what was significant about it is a bit of a cheat, and spends words on something that doesn’t have meaning for the reader.
After a back-to-back stint in the emergency room, exhausted, she was had been called to the morgue and confronted by several FBI agents, brandishing files. Seven women killed in a 9 nine-month period had been processed through the city morgues, but the last victim was the first for this her hospital.
Each victim’s heart had been had their heart removed, but and a heart-shaped carving was left in the undamaged tissue above. Left in the chest cavity was an assortment of crushed rose petals. The Feds were are sure they were are dealing with a specific type of serial killer, Bbut they do did not yet understand his message.
As she sped down Rte. 10, her cell phone chimed, ; the screen said Abby. “Young Lady, where are you?” her fathers’ father’svoice boomed in her ear,
Mandy winced and sighed. She made a mental note to have Abbey (Abby?) password-protect her phone when she gets got home. But then, knowing her dad, he’d have one of the guys on his staff at Quantico crack it soon after. A good way to introduce her father, but not good timing.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey