100-word book descriptions Three writers have sent their 100-word book descriptions for our consideration, so why not send yours? Email your 100-word book description and, if you have one, a cover graphic to me and I’ll post them this coming Monday. For examples, see the last FtQ post.
Call for submissionsThe FtQ tank is getting low again, so if you’d like to gain insights into how well your novel’s opening works to get that first page turned, please emailthe first chapter to me as per the directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Marsha has sent the opening chapter of Life in Death.
Dr. Chiba, forensic pathologist for the city of Ophelia, was sure he’d seen the worst in human depravity in his 28 years on the job. That was, until this case. He looked at the spectacle before him.
A girl, small, thin, with the beginning buds of breasts, lay dead before him. She was dressed in a pink sweater, jeans, and white tennis shoes. A “Hello Kitty” barrette hung limply in her hair.
The girl’s eyes and tongue had been removed.
“Ghastly,” he muttered to himself, lifting his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. He inhaled cool, crisp air and took in his surroundings: snow-capped mountains, lush green grasses, tufts of wildflowers, and trees with leaves of gold, red, brown, and orange. He listened to the rush of water from a nearby creek. He’d always liked coming up to Taron Hills, but not today.
“What we got, doc?” Detective Cobb asked, bringing him out of his temporary reprieve. Cobb’s partner, Rance Nicolet followed closely behind him. Cobb was the taller of the two men, in his late 50s, a bit paunchy. He kept his thinning, stark white hair cut military style. He was a seasoned detective who’d been on the job over 30 years and thought he knew everything. Dr. Chiba thought he was a Neanderthal.
Yep
Good story questions are raised, and the writing is clean. I think a good voice is developing, too, though there are little bits of the author still littering the narrative. Good job. Notes:
Dr. Chiba, forensic pathologist for the city of Ophelia, was sure he’d seen the worst in human depravity in his 28 twenty-eight years on the job. That was, until this case. He looked at the spectacle before him. Dropping in the character’s job description is a little on the unartful side because it's clearly the author injecting info. Try to remember to give the character’s experience. For example, here’s a way to work that information in (all except the name of the city, which is certainly not needed at this point): Dr. Chiba was sure he’d seen the worst in human depravity in twenty-eight years as a forensic pathologist. I think “looked at” is a weak verb. Wouldn’t he study or examine? Also, the style guide for publishers says to spell out whole numbers from one to one hundred.
A girl, small, thin, with the beginning buds of breasts, lay dead before him. She was dressed in a pink sweater, jeans, and white tennis shoes. A “Hello Kitty” barrette hung limply in her hair. A barrette is a rigid object, so it can’t be limp. I don’t think the adverb is needed anyway; I get the picture.
The girl’s eyes and tongue had been removed.
“Ghastly,” he muttered to himself, lifting his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. He inhaled cool, crisp air and took in his surroundings: snow-capped mountains, lush green grasses, tufts of wildflowers, and trees with leaves of gold, red, brown, and orange. He listened to the rush of water from a nearby creek. He’d always liked coming up to Taron Hills, but not today.
“What we got, doc?” Detective Cobb asked, bringing him out of his temporary reprieve. Cobb’s partner, Rance Nicolet followed closely behind him. Cobb was the taller of the two men, in his late 50s, a bit paunchy. He kept his thinning, stark-white hair cut military style. He was a seasoned detective who’d been on the job over 30 thirty years and thought he knew everything. Dr. Chiba thought he was a Neanderthal. For me, this pause to describe in such clinical terms slowed the story and took me out of the narrative. I like the characterization by the Doc. The part about being on the job for 30 years gives us a good idea of his age without having to state it. That just leaves the paunch and hair, and that can be worked in later. For now, focus on hooking the reader into the story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey