The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Holly has sent the opening to a short short story titled Rules of the Game.
My name is Hobert Dellicott. I steal cars, run numbers, and pull a few stickups, you know, whatever I can do to keep my head above water. I’ve never been what you’d call really successful, but I’ve never been caught and nobody could pick me out of a lineup. I think that’s pretty good.
Darien Klimo, an acquaintance from back in the war, told me about a big score, an Akron bank that was just begging us to rob it. They handled payroll for B. F. Goodrich and most of the employees came in on Fridays to cash their vouchers. There was a lot of money in the Akron Mercantile Bank, maybe half a million. At least that’s what Klimo said. I owed a bookie in Cleveland who was going to shoot me, so I was all in. Klimo wanted to bring his cousin Joe in for ten percent. I thought that was a stupid idea, Joe being a real dumb shit and all. Klimo probably owed his aunt a favor, or something, because he just kept griping about it. When he threatened to pull the job without me, I had to give in. Joe and I would hit the bank while Klimo waited out front in his Studebaker. In and out, with bags of cash. What could go wrong?
The following Friday, the three of us pulled up to the curb. We were wearing overalls, work boots, and denim shirts. As we entered, we pulled bandannas up to cover the lower part of our faces.
Nope.
The writing and voice are good, the tone is nicely conversational, but the story opens with someone talking at me, and I quickly learn that he isn’t exactly the kind of character that I feel a connection with. The stakes are high—he’ll be killed if he doesn’t pay off a bookie—but, since I don’t really care about this petty criminal, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing. Now, if he needed the money to get his little girl to the doctor, it could be different.
I didn’t think we needed the backstory about Army buddies, etc.—seems like a short short should start with something happening. Bottom line, I didn’t care about this guy and nothing much was happening. I don’t really have much in the way of nit-picks. We just need more story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey