The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Andy has sent the opening chapter of Tarantula.
It was deadly dark and all I could see were the grey, mud-caked boots of the guy in front of me lit up by the light from my head torch. Everything else was black. They would shuffle slowly forward and I would follow. Every now and then he would stop and I would notice too late and my face would be pressed up against the sole of his boot, covering my face with more of the grey clay that we had become so intimate with. We were shuffling along flat on our stomachs, muffling out private curses in between heavy pants of breath from the exhaustion that we all felt. The air in the tunnel felt thick, warm and stale. It was difficult to breath. We all felt a claustrophic urge to get out; to breathe in cool, clean air, and to feel the rain on our faces. ‘It’s fine’ I kept telling myself, it’s an irrational fear. Of course I can breath.
I had been crawling for almost a minute and had lost my sense of how long the tunnel was. The guy ahead of me stopped again. This time I stopped in time but I felt the guy behind me hit my boots and I heard a muffled curse from behind. I waited for the pair of boots in front to move off again but they didn’t. I tried to look around him to find out what the hesitation was - but couldn’t see a thing. There was a faint light but no space to see. The guy behind poked me in the ass and said.
“Keep moving”
No turn.
Opening with action is good, but, in this case, the action wasn’t grounded in what the character needs. Although he feels tension in his situation, I didn’t. Perhaps it’s a lack of information, specifically, what the situation is and is there any danger. Are they spelunking or on a military mission? Are they moving to just get out of somewhere, or to attack, or to flee enemies? It removes a little of what tension there is to have the character reassure himself that it’s fine.
I found the use of “shuffling” in conjunction with crawling on your belly confusing. According to my dictionary, to shuffle means “to move or walk in a sliding, dragging manner without lifting the feet.”
I was also taken out a little by the character’s references to how they all felt—how would he know how they all felt? Finally, there are writing issues. The very next sentence after this switches to present tense, and then shifts back to past tense a few pages later. I think the writing need to be crisper—there were echoes of words, and places it could be tightened—and try to avoid long paragraph blocks. Notes:
It was deadly dark and all I could see were the grey, mud-caked boots of the guy in front of me lit up by the light from my head torch. Everything else was black. They would shuffle slowly forward and I would follow. Every now and then he would stop and I would notice too late and my face would be pressed up press against the sole of his boot and I’d add to it, covering my face with more of the grey clay that we had become so intimate with. Here’s where “shuffle” was confusing. I was fine with it until his face pressed against the boots and here I was thinking that they were walking. The fact that they’re on their stomachs isn’t revealed until after this. I made the editorial suggestion to avoid the repetition of “my face.” It’s not artful, and I’m sure you can do better. I’m adding a paragraph break here so my eyes can breathe.
We were shuffling along flat on our stomachs, muffling out private curses in between heavy pants of breath from the exhaustion that we all felt. The air in the tunnel felt thick, warm and stale. It was difficult to breath. We all I felt a claustrophic urge to get out; to breathe in cool, clean air, and to feel the rain on our faces my face. ‘It’s fine’ I kept telling myself, it’s an irrational fear. Of course I can breath. Another misuse, for me, of "shuffle." Also, to much use of "felt."
I had been crawling for almost a minute and had lost my sense of how long the tunnel was. The guy ahead of me stopped again. This time I stopped in time but I felt the guy behind me hit my boots and I heard a muffled curse from behind. I waited for the pair of boots in front to move off again, but they didn’t. I tried to look around him to find out what the hesitation was, - but couldn’t see a thing. There was a faint light but no space to see. The guy behind poked me in the ass and said,“Keep moving” Cut out some repetition and overwriting. Also moved the dialogue next to the dialogue tag and used a comma instead of a period.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey