Call for FtQ submissions The hopper is being deleted. If any reader would like a critique of their opening prologue or chapter, see the submission directions at the end of this post. Thanks.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Eddie has sent the opening to After, speculative fiction.
“The only way to find out what treasures Pandora’s Box holds is to open the lid.”
- Bane Oxwood Professor of Ancient Studies, New Harvard UniversityAfter….
Miles Chastain would come to associate Mia’s death with the sound of rocks clacking together. The sharp clap of rock striking rock; reverberating out and echoing back from the imposing red canyon walls would, in the future, stir those memories. For now, though, he wasn’t thinking. For now, he was on auto-pilot.
CLACK! He flinched as the rock dropped onto the growing mound that marked Mia’s final resting place. He looked back to the path he’d worn in the sand. He couldn’t count the number of times he had walked to the river’s edge, selected a rock, and brought it back to the growing pile that covered Mia’s grave. He’d lost all sense of time; had lost all sense of anything. Numbness was an old friend which he willingly embraced again.
He had lost two women in his lifetime; one to the splitting which killed millions and, now, one to the clans. The first loss he’d gotten over; had survived with Mia’s help. The second… the second he didn’t know about. Not yet.
He stared at the blood on his hands and tried to remember how it had gotten there. His mind, normally sharp, was dulled and sluggish. He had to fight for every coherent thought and the (snip)
Yes, but . . .
Story questions did the job this time, but this is another opening that I think can be made considerably stronger by a little editing and the use of a piece of narrative from the next page.
I thought the opening paragraph (ignoring the quote, which I often do when reading a book that starts with stuff that isn’t story) could go. What it foreshadows—his association of her death with the sounds—doesn’t do much to get me involved in the story. And there is that redundancy at the end, the two sentences that say basically the same thing—not thinking=autopilot (note no hyphen).
Rather than pick at the narrative, which is pretty clean, allow me to offer an alternative set of 17 lines. You’ll note that this, using a piece from the second page, accomplishes something the first version didn’t—it sets the scene better. And, for me, it introduced new story questions and intrigue, even though I suspect I’d urge more trimming in an edit. A second poll follows. The new version:
CLACK! Miles flinched when the rock dropped onto the growing mound that marked Mia’s final resting place. He looked back to the path he’d worn in the sand. He couldn’t count the number of times he had walked to the river’s edge, selected a rock, and brought it back to the growing pile that covered Mia’s grave. He’d lost all sense of time; had lost all sense of anything. Numbness was an old friend which he willingly embraced again.
He had lost two women in his lifetime; one to the splitting which killed millions and, now, one to the clans. The first loss he’d gotten over; had survived with Mia’s help. The second… the second he didn’t know about. Not yet.
As he reached for another rock, a flicker of movement drew his eye. He reached for his blade. The flicker was nothing more than the sun’s reflection of the water on the towering canyon wall, but it brought him back to reality. The shadows were long now. Soon, twilight would claim him and darkness would follow. The canyon was no place to spend the night. Canyons held shadows that hid the cracks. Even in daylight some of the deeper spots drew Twinners and Ghosts. Nighttime was even worse. The darkness allowed Twinners to roam free. Only fire would hold them back.
He stared at the blood on his hands and tried to remember how it had gotten there. His mind was dull and sluggish. He had to fight for every coherent thought and the (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey