The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Colleen has sent a rewrite of the opening to Educating Annie.
“I think it’s about time you got on the pill.” This was mother’s favourite conversation starter ever since the Michael incident. By the time I met Nathan, she’d raised the contraceptive alerts to level-5 hysteria, suitable for imminent catastrophes. Run for cover! Impregnator heading your way! Honestly, she had nothing to worry about. My virginity and I were inseparable, and unlike most social ills, this one couldn’t be blamed on lack of education.
I was a voracious reader. Not the classics, just sex manuals. I’m sure I would have qualified to hold the record as the world’s most sexually-informed virgin, if only Guinness had tracked such things. I knew all the naughty secrets revealed by every author from Alex Comfort to Dr. Ruth. I knew stuff that made me blush. But the most embarrassing fact of life was that I remained a virgin at the overripe age of nineteen.
My chances of finding the virginity antidote at Dalton College looked none too promising. The English Lit nerds in my classes wanted nothing to do with the likes of me, so I had to get serious. I embarked on a mission to cure my virginal affliction. I started assessing every guy I laid eyes on as a potential candidate for the mission.
The first contender came highly recommended, though his nomination had disaster written all over it. Michael was a blind date set up by my mother.
“He’s so cute,” she gushed, “If I was your age, I’d be all over him.”
Yes
Maybe there’s some truth to the old saying, “Third time’s the charm.” This is the third version Colleen has sent, and this one scored with me. A delightful voice and strong, clear writing are the main ingredients, and then there’s the story question of what will happen with this blind date, set up nicely by the mother’s gush for tension and possible failure—or a reversal.
That’s not to say there couldn’t be improvements--a little scene-setting would have been good. As you’ll see, I had a clarity issue with the Michael incident. The explanatory parts of the opening paragraph could be trimmed. But this character and her odd goal captured me. Notes:
“I think it’s about time you got on the pill.” This was mother’s favourite conversation starter ever since the Michael incident. By the time I met Nathan, she’d raised the contraceptive alerts to level-5 hysteria, suitable for imminent catastrophes. Run for cover! Impregnator heading your way! Honestly, she had nothing to worry about. My virginity and I were inseparable, and unlike most social ills, this one couldn’t be blamed on lack of education. I just discovered that there is a clarity issue for me—I’d thought, from this opening paragraph, that the Michael incident was long past and not the topic of the story, so I wanted just a bit more. Then, upon re-reading, I realized that the story goes to Michael. Yes, it’s backstory. But very funny, and gives us tons of character—and I finished the chapter suspecting that there was more to the Michael story in pages to come. So I’ll let that go for now. Voice and snappy writing do a lot. The reference to Nathan doesn’t help, just another name tossed at me. So I suggest simplify, especially since the story carries on with Michael, not Nathan. In fact, I suggest not using this paragraph at all.
I was a voracious reader. Not the classics, just sex manuals. I’m sure I would have qualified to hold the record as the world’s most sexually-informed virgin, if only Guinness had tracked such things. I knew all the naughty secrets revealed by every author from Alex Comfort to Dr. Ruth. I knew stuff that made me blush. But the most embarrassing fact of life was that I remained a virgin at the overripe age of nineteen. I suggest starting with this paragraph and leaving the earlier bits to later. That might give room to give the reader a hint of why this is a problem with her. What are the stakes? Self-esteem?
My chances of finding the virginity antidote at Dalton College looked none too promising. The English Lit nerds in my classes wanted nothing to do with the likes of me, so I had to get serious. I embarked on a mission to cure my virginal affliction. I started assessing every guy I laid eyes on as a potential candidate for the mission. What is there about “the likes” of her that turns them off? Just a hint would help.
The first contender came highly recommended, though his nomination had disaster written all over it. Michael was a blind date set up by my mother.
“He’s so cute,” she gushed, “If I was your age, I’d be all over him.”
We soon learn what the Michael incident was in a very funny scene. And, as I said, it felt like there was more on the way about him and her—at least I hope so. Mostly, though, I wanted more of this sassy and funny character.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey