Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Gregg—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Gregg has sent the opening chapter of MAGIC 'n BANJOES.

“Zuthar, I need you!”

Grandpap paused in his stirring. Griselda and I turned from watching Grandpap as he tended his boiling pot and puffed his pipe. It was a perfect day to observe others at work and I was enjoying it fully, as full of contentment as a cat in a sunbeam.

“Sonny, who is that?” Griselda whispered in my direction.

“Tis the surly wizard from the Wizard’s Guild,” I replied. I had not forgotten his bloated face and churlish manner. He lurched toward us, with his breathing laboured and his brown robe stained with sweat.

“BeSotto!” Grandpap’s face darkened. “I told you I would never speak with you again!”

“But I have an emergency, a situation most dire!” The fat wizard stopped a few paces away, his breath coming in gasps.

“Emergency?” Grandpap’s lip curled under his snowy moustache. “Does your stomache refuse strong drink?”

“No, it is a matter of alchemy. I recreated your wand, Zuthar, and it worked! It worked just as you demonstrated so many years ago. But then I lost it.” BeSotto wiped sweat from his face with a sleeve. “I was stirring a drink with it to celebrate my success when it opened a portal. You can imagine my astonishment. I dropped the wand and—and it fell through and was lost.”

Nope, but . . .

I like the voice, and the fact that we start with a scene. This does hold the promise of entertainment ahead, but, for me, the tension level was pretty low. Yes, a character feels quite distressed about losing this wand, but what are the consequences? There’s not much at stake. And couldn’t he just make another one?

Before I forget, we could use some dialogue attribution for the opening line. I thought at first that Grandpap had said it. Love the contented cat line.

I thought there was a much stronger hook on the next page. I’ve done some chopping to get that within the first 17 lines (apologies to Gregg). See if you think this would be more enticing. A poll follows.

“Zuthar, I need you!”

Grandpap paused in his stirring. Griselda and I turned from watching Grandpap as he tended his boiling pot and puffed his pipe. It was a perfect day to observe others at work and I was enjoying it fully, as full of contentment as a cat in a sunbeam.

“BeSotto!” Grandpap’s face darkened. “I told you I would never speak with you again!”

“But I have an emergency, a situation most dire!” The fat wizard stopped, gasping for breath.

“Emergency?” Grandpap’s lip curled under his snowy moustache. “Does your stomache refuse strong drink?”

“I recreated your wand, Zuthar, and it worked! But then I lost it.” BeSotto wiped sweat from his face with a sleeve. “I was stirring a drink with it to celebrate my success when it opened a portal. I dropped the wand and—and it fell through and was lost.”

“Retrieve it yourself!”

“It is better than the wand you made,” BeSotto proclaimed. “For it produced goald after I had lost it. Produced goald even as I was hurrying here to beg your assistance!”

“Produced goald after you lost it? How could that be?”

BeSotto shifted uncomfortably. “It seems to have … altered my drink. When I stopped to, uh, do my business, there was goald shining in my colon clay."

 

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Holly—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Holly has sent the opening of a short story titled A Great Evil,.

It was silent in the office for several seconds and then Mary Cassatt said, “I’ve never seen this video.”

“Are you up to it?”

Mary didn’t answer.

Jillian Varela looked at her. The human body is a remarkable instrument, efficiently repairing many serious injuries to body and mind. Although only thirty-two, Mary looked as if she were out of warranty. She was pale and very thin, fragile even, with hollow eyes and sunken cheeks. Her hair was blonde, patchy in places, and cut very short. She wore no makeup and her black dress looked three sizes too large. It seemed to Jillian that if something didn’t jolt her out of it soon, the deaths of her daughter and husband would mean a very early death for her.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do.” She moved her hand in a ‘go ahead’ gesture.

Jillian pressed play, and a surprisingly clear surveillance video of Westfield Mall/Valley Fair in San Jose appeared on the screen. The camera stayed focused on the Victoria’s Secret store entrance. The time stamp indicated 12:29 p.m. At exactly 12:31, Twelve year old Amy Cassatt and two friends exited the store. Mary’s sharp intake of breath caused Jillian to pause the recording. Mary put her hand to her mouth and nodded. Jillian pressed play. Amy said something (snip)

Yes, with reservations

It was story questions that moved me from page 1 to page 2—this is a tragic situation with a sympathetic victim. I did want to know more. However, there was a clarity issue, and I think the writing could be stronger. Notes:

It was silent in the office for several seconds and then Mary Cassatt said, “I’ve never seen this video.”

“Are you up to it?”

Mary didn’t answer. This could be stronger with description instead of this “telling”—her body language, what she does with her eyes, something. Using no dialogue would show that she didn’t answer, but something visual would be helpful.

Jillian Varela looked at her. The human body is a remarkable instrument, efficiently repairing many serious injuries to body and mind. Although only thirty-two, Mary looked as if she were out of warranty. She was pale and very thin, fragile even, with hollow eyes and sunken cheeks. Her hair was blonde, patchy in places, and cut very short. She wore no makeup and her black dress looked three sizes too large. It seemed to Jillian that if something didn’t jolt her out of it soon, the deaths of her daughter and husband would mean a very early death for her. I think “looked at her” could be stronger. How about “studied her client”? For me, the philosophical bent of the statements about the human body and out of warranty try a little too hard. I’d be happier with a straight-forward description and getting on with the story. The last line, however, about the deaths of her family, is involving and raised those story questions as well as created sympathy for Mary.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do.” She moved her hand in a ‘go ahead’ gesture. I think the description of her action is stilted. Look for a more fluid way, for example: She waved her hand to go ahead. OR, more simply, She motioned to go ahead.

Jillian pressed play, and a surprisingly clear surveillance video of Westfield Mall/Valley Fair in San Jose appeared on the screen. The camera stayed focused on the Victoria’s Secret store entrance. The time stamp indicated 12:29 p.m. At exactly 12:31, twelve-year-old Amy Cassatt and two friends exited the store. Mary’s sharp intake of breath caused Jillian to pause the recording. Mary put her hand to her mouth and nodded. Jillian pressed play. Amy said something (snip) clarity issue: the piece starts with Mary saying that she’s never seen this video, but here Jillian presses play and the video appears. So what was Mary reacting to earlier? The implication is that she has seen a video of some sort that she hadn’t seen before. I’d look for another way to say “caused …to pause” For example: Mary gasped, and Jillian paused the video.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

A writing tip gleaned from editor Cheryl Klein’s excellent book

I’m reading Second Sight : An Editor's Talks on Writing, Revising, and Publishing Books for Children and Young Adults by editor Cheryl Klein. I bought it to gain insights into writing for children and young adults, but this book has great value for every writer. I highly recommend it, and I’ll be doing a storyteller’s review after I’ve finished it. But why not share an insight now?

A tip for both plotters and pantsers

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a “pantser” writer, also called “organic” or “intuitive,” who writes by the seat of his pants. I’m working on a book proposal for Writer’s Digest on a book about novel writing for pantsers—there are plenty of advice books for people who work things out in advance, but not much for we pantsers. And Cheryl expanded on something I’ve done as a pantser that can help all novelists.

Aside: I’m excited about how the book proposal is coming because bestselling author Tess Gerritsen and top literary agent Donald Maass have agreed to contribute to the book.

Back to the tip

When I was pantsing my way through my first novel, about a third of the way through I realized that I had lost track of exactly what had happened to whom, and whether or not the appearances of my point-of-view characters was balanced. So I went back and constructed a chapter-by-chapter summary of the events in each chapter—which characters appeared and what happened. After I started the chart (a chart done in Word, though Excel would do, too), I maintained it as chapters were written.

Little did I know it, but I was creating what Cheryl calls a “bookmap.” For her, though, it is a post-draft tool, and a useful one, that she uses when editing her authors for publication. Here’s how she describes a bookmap:

Go through your book chapter by chapter and write out a on-line to one-paragraph summary of each chapter’s events. Try to include the key plot information that appears in each chapter—for instance, if the antagonist reveals an important clue to the protagonist, then both that fact and what the protagonist learns should be listed. What this lets you see is the overall development of your story, separate from the language in which it is told. Then you can ask yourself:

Then she makes the points below, but I wanted to interject that creating a bookmap doesn’t have to wait until the manuscript is finished. If you accrue it as you go along, you might become aware of an unsightly divergence or lack in your story’s development in time to make adjustments sooner rather than later. Cheryl’s list of questions that your bookmap can help answer:

• Do the plot events follow each other in a logical physical and emotional order?
• Is all the information there? Is it where it needs to be?
• Do any thoughts or events repeat themselves?
• Where are the turning points of the action, where everything changes?
• What is your main character doing all this time? Is it significant action or mostly talk?
• Look at each plotline or subplot individually. How does each one develop? Do some plots disappear for a long time?

I’ll expand on this technique in the book for pantsers, and will ask Cheryl if I can include this.

I find I’m acquiring new insights into the storytelling process from Cheryl’s book. It’s a fun read, too—her voice is friendly and personal, and she seems to anticipate the questions that writers have and answer them with both theory and, thank goodness, examples that teach.

As I said, Second Sight : An Editor's Talks on Writing, Revising, and Publishing Books for Children and Young Adults is highly recommended. As is the bookmap technique.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Mike—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Mike has sent the opening to Man in the Box,.

St. Petersburg, FL- Thursday July 26th, 1979

A credible source said Jeremy Fletcher was holed up in a two story shit palace in Midtown with a bad case of the cocaine blues. I pushed the warrant through in double time fashion- easy with the juice we had on him. Pimping. Dealing. And even with my partner and a uniform in tow, all I needed was thirty seconds alone in a room with Fletcher and then I’d eat the thirty days of paid leave they’d serve me while IA investigated. They’d of found zilch. Zilch because I was prepared to shoot myself in the goddamn leg with a .38 Special setup piece to hedge my bets and put Fletcher on ice. I was willing to walk that line.

Best laid plans.

Standing on his faded peach bungalow’s crumbling front porch landing at 6:45 a.m., I was edgy and already drenched from the sticky Florida heat when someone inside Fletcher’s dump went cowboy with an AK-47 on full automatic, launching a spray of bullets into the solid oak front door. My partner and I hit the deck while the uniform lost his stones, ran to his cruiser and called in backup. I heard the resultant blare of sirens as I army-crawled to my car, the sun just beginning its ascent into a clear blue sky.

The waiting game. Negotiations brought another barrage and some two hours later, I was still hunkered down on Queen Street South with sweat trickling down my spine and into my ass (snip)

Yes!

This one was fun to read, and I definitely wanted more. The rest of the chapter has the same flavor and momentum of the opening page. Aside from a missing hyphen now and then and deleting the excess mention of “Florida” in the third paragraph, I have little to quarrel with on the writing front.

I thought the opening paragraph was strong in characterization and voice. The scenario was quickly and efficiently set up and established plenty of pending tension. Then comes the turn and the what-happens-next questions start popping up. In terms of the list of story ingredients above, for me this one included all of them. Nicely done, Mike, and I hope to read the rest of this someday.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Elena—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Elena has sent the prologue to The Unexpected,.

June 26, 2001

There is a saying that everything happens for a reason, but is that really true, or do things happen because of the choices we make prior to that point? For example, a dog gets hit by a car. What was the reason? Was the dog sick or mistreated at home and no longer suffers, or did the dog get hit because the owners never trained the dog to stay in the yard, thinking it was okay to let the dog wander as it pleased? After all, it’s only a dog and would rather chase a car then wait for it to go by. Who can really say why things happen?

Although, I’ve noticed over the years that there’s always a minimum of two choices one can make and based on what one chooses, two more choices present themselves. Another example: Should I stay in on Friday night or go out? If I stay in, should I watch a movie or read a book? Read what book? Do you see it? One decision leads to another and another and the trail goes back to before we made our own decisions.

Over the years I’ve made many decisions, and I am coming to see how they affect me today and every day. Decisions that I gave no thought to making like moving to New York, buying a used car from an ad in the paper, and not perusing Benji as more then my best friend are some of the decisions that hurt me later. Now what decisions do I need to make in pursuit of true happiness?

Hopefully, somewhere in these pages I’ll find where I keep going wrong. Am I making things (snip)

Nope

The writing is fine, not much to pick at there (except for the use of “then” instead of “than” in the third paragraph—I’m amazed at how often I see that). Maybe it’s just me, but this character’s ruminations on life didn’t approach compelling for me. I come to a story for, well, a story. I didn’t sense one here.

In reading further, I learned that this person has been laid off and is now taking time to “write my thoughts, memories, and my true feelings.” My question: why not her story? The prologue then goes into backstory with a description of her morning routine and then three weeks or so back in time to her getting fired. Since then she has been drinking wine and thinking.

Perhaps there is a story and this is just a long clearing of the throat. It would be interesting to see what the first chapter is like—mind you, not because of the prologue, though.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Eddie—would you turn the first page

Call for FtQ submissions The hopper is being deleted. If any reader would like a critique of their opening prologue or chapter, see the submission directions at the end of this post. Thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Eddie has sent the opening to After, speculative fiction.

“The only way to find out what treasures Pandora’s Box holds is to open the lid.”
- Bane Oxwood Professor of Ancient Studies, New Harvard University

After….

Miles Chastain would come to associate Mia’s death with the sound of rocks clacking together. The sharp clap of rock striking rock; reverberating out and echoing back from the imposing red canyon walls would, in the future, stir those memories. For now, though, he wasn’t thinking. For now, he was on auto-pilot.

CLACK! He flinched as the rock dropped onto the growing mound that marked Mia’s final resting place. He looked back to the path he’d worn in the sand. He couldn’t count the number of times he had walked to the river’s edge, selected a rock, and brought it back to the growing pile that covered Mia’s grave. He’d lost all sense of time; had lost all sense of anything. Numbness was an old friend which he willingly embraced again.

He had lost two women in his lifetime; one to the splitting which killed millions and, now, one to the clans. The first loss he’d gotten over; had survived with Mia’s help. The second… the second he didn’t know about. Not yet.

He stared at the blood on his hands and tried to remember how it had gotten there. His mind, normally sharp, was dulled and sluggish. He had to fight for every coherent thought and the (snip)

Yes, but . . .

Story questions did the job this time, but this is another opening that I think can be made considerably stronger by a little editing and the use of a piece of narrative from the next page.

I thought the opening paragraph (ignoring the quote, which I often do when reading a book that starts with stuff that isn’t story) could go. What it foreshadows—his association of her death with the sounds—doesn’t do much to get me involved in the story. And there is that redundancy at the end, the two sentences that say basically the same thing—not thinking=autopilot (note no hyphen).

Rather than pick at the narrative, which is pretty clean, allow me to offer an alternative set of 17 lines. You’ll note that this, using a piece from the second page, accomplishes something the first version didn’t—it sets the scene better. And, for me, it introduced new story questions and intrigue, even though I suspect I’d urge more trimming in an edit. A second poll follows. The new version:

CLACK! Miles flinched when the rock dropped onto the growing mound that marked Mia’s final resting place. He looked back to the path he’d worn in the sand. He couldn’t count the number of times he had walked to the river’s edge, selected a rock, and brought it back to the growing pile that covered Mia’s grave. He’d lost all sense of time; had lost all sense of anything. Numbness was an old friend which he willingly embraced again.

He had lost two women in his lifetime; one to the splitting which killed millions and, now, one to the clans. The first loss he’d gotten over; had survived with Mia’s help. The second… the second he didn’t know about. Not yet.

As he reached for another rock, a flicker of movement drew his eye. He reached for his blade. The flicker was nothing more than the sun’s reflection of the water on the towering canyon wall, but it brought him back to reality. The shadows were long now. Soon, twilight would claim him and darkness would follow. The canyon was no place to spend the night. Canyons held shadows that hid the cracks. Even in daylight some of the deeper spots drew Twinners and Ghosts. Nighttime was even worse. The darkness allowed Twinners to roam free. Only fire would hold them back.

He stared at the blood on his hands and tried to remember how it had gotten there. His mind was dull and sluggish. He had to fight for every coherent thought and the (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Emily—would you turn the first page?

I missed posting the flogging below yesterday because I was wrapped up in wrapping up two new book designs for clients. I hope you’ll take a look—they’re the two on the left on this page. More than that, there are 3 pages in the Featured Design section that shows what went into the design of one of them. Stop by.

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Call for FtQ submissions The hopper is being deleted. If any reader would like a critique of their opening prologue or chapter, see the submission directions at the end of this post. Thanks.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Emiliy has sent the opening to her WIP, her first novel.

I should have been embarrassed, ashamed to the point of hot, stinging tears or at the very least, indignant. I’m a grown woman; if I want Vodka-Tonic number four, I’ll fucking have Vodka Tonic number four. I wanted desperately to hang on to indignant but I was tired. And, it seemed, I was out of anger. I’d burned through it in the hotel room in Edinburgh, in Isaac’s taxi and on this plane full of strangers over the Atlantic.

Amber handed me back my $7.50 and patted my shoulder.

“The captain says I can’t give you any more, sweetie.” She offered me another pillow and some coffee. I declined, nodded my thanks and closed my eyes again as she pushed the beverage cart onward. Oh great, it appeared I’d developed a new resistance to humiliation as well. I felt nothing.

I started drinking before I even got on the plane and my resulting behavior had been ridiculous. In the forty-five minutes I’d waited for the flight attendant to tell me I was cut off, I dozed and sobered up enough to check myself.

That was probably her plan all along. I’d been manipulated into submission with extra bags of pretzels and sleep. Fucking flight attendant! I took a deep breath and let it out. “Sorry, sorry, that wasn’t nice,” I said.

Yep, that’s me in a nut-shell; I apologize out loud to the universe for my private, bitchy (snip)

Very, very close

This is one of those coin-toss openings that I suspect a lot of folks will go for, primarily because of the voice and the writing. This is fun to read, and right away I want to hear more from this woman.

But . . . in looking for tension either in me or in the story, I found little. She is drunk on an airplane, but I don’t know why or what the story is. So it was a close call for me.

Later in the chapter I found what would have guaranteed my page-turn. Instead of notes, I’ll offer you that and a new poll. I’ve made tiny changes to make it serve as an opener.

The woman across the aisle gave me the fish-eye. “Oh great, she’s awake,” she said.

Fair enough. I had probably earned her disdain; a stranger’s sad-sack, angry sob-story is no gift--even if it is told by “this generation’s next great story-teller,” as I had referred to myself repeatedly during Vodka-Tonic number three.

“Pathetic.” I put my tray-table back and righted my seat. My scalp tingled and cold sweat beaded on my forehead. My stomach churned as I remembered how I had stood there, like an idiot, in his hotel room. I ended up telling him the whole truth, which, as it turned out, only some of it he already knew. He hurled accusations which I let lay at my feet, unchallenged because they were all true. I reached into my chest, ripped out my heart and offered it to him. I asked him to love me anyway.

He looked past me and he stared at the floor for a long moment. Then he took his key card off the bed, turned and walked out the door without another word or even a look back.

I barely heard the captain’s end-of-flight spiel over the roar in my ears. I tried to breathe evenly as my throat squeezed shut and my chest tightened. Hot, tears flowed now down my crumpled face, stinging my cheeks and garnering more long looks from my airplane pals.

“What are you looking at, Fish Eye?” I said. Oh, good. I did have a little anger left.

 

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

FtQ Q&A

Call for FtQ submissions The hopper is being deleted. If any reader would like a critique of their opening prologue or chapter, see the submission directions at the end of this post. Thanks.

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Marsha wrote with two questions:

1. When do you have your book reviewed? Right before it's published or directly afterward?

The answer varies widely with both the reviewers and the nature of your publishing event. The top book-review sites like to get ARCs (advance review copies) or bound galleys months in advance. This is due, in part, to the volume of submissions they receive.

However, many of the top review sites rule out self-published novels.

Others, such as the Midwest Book Review, will only consider copies of published novels, so ARCs and galleys don’t work with them. They, however, are open to self-published authors, although I believe their requirements for considering a review are high.

From what I’ve seen, most reviewers ask for hard copies of books, not ebook formats, unless the review operation is focused on ebooks.

For self-publishing authors who are considering e-publishing only, it might be good sense to also produce a POD version so you can generate hard copies for reviewers. Using various resources, you can produce good quality books for a few dollars each. I outline some of these avenues on my book editing and design website, crrreative.com.

2. My main character kills someone in the first book and doesn't get caught; I was going to build a series of books around her. Do people generally follow main characters that kill someone or do I need to re-think this?

Without seeing the story, there’s literally no way to answer this. What was the nature of the killing? Was it justified, or malicious? In my novels, characters kill people, but the reasons they do make sense to the reader and the sense of the story.

Readers follow characters they care about, too. If your homicidal character is both likeable and justified in his/her action, then you probably won’t have a problem.

If you have a question, please email me or comment.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Stuart—would you turn the first page?

Sorry I’m late, got involved in designing a postcard and bookmark for a book-design client this morning and didn’t look up until after noon.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Stuart has sent the opening to Guile and Spin.

“You’ll lose your job, Jeremy, and your present easy lifestyle will come to an end,” said my new boss, Sir Richard Gregory, as we paused at the doorway into the Star of Asia Restaurant in Moxham. “And the sports and leisure service of the whole county will go – unless you can succeed with a grant application. There is money available, but it’s cricket money.”

I recoiled from the mention of the sport. At school, I had never liked the hard ball. Although I had a job in sports centre management, I had contrived to keep as far away from cricket as possible. It was not relevant to me. It was too boring and horrible and hopeless a game. To try to save my own job by getting involved in cricket was an impossible idea.

“Look, I’ve invited some people here to help you,” he said, ushering me in ahead of him. Though yet early evening, the curry smell in the narrow restaurant was strong enough to have been brewing all afternoon. Red lamps on red-flocked walls bowed over the dozen or so tables down the room. A waiter took our coats with a quiet “please yes”.

There were three people at the table nearest the middle of the room. They were just finishing their starters of kebab and poppadoms.

“This is Claire. She is a new teacher at St Margaret’s Junior School.” He introduced a blonde in her early twenties. Her hair piled up, she wore a formal office suit.

Didn’t get me

The writing is good and clean, and the story does start with a scene, but I’m afraid it wasn’t a go for me. At my recent workshop I talked about how the first page foreshadows the rest of a book, and this first page does that for the first chapter, at least. For me, there was no tension here, nor was there a story question pertaining to the protagonist that I could see. I looked through the rest of the chapter. While there was an interesting portion where a cricket master illustrated different types of spin, I didn’t sense any particular trouble ahead for the protagonist, certainly not anything with gripping stakes. I’m guessing the story needs to start later.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Colleen—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Colleen has sent a rewrite of the opening to Educating Annie.

“I think it’s about time you got on the pill.” This was mother’s favourite conversation starter ever since the Michael incident. By the time I met Nathan, she’d raised the contraceptive alerts to level-5 hysteria, suitable for imminent catastrophes. Run for cover! Impregnator heading your way! Honestly, she had nothing to worry about. My virginity and I were inseparable, and unlike most social ills, this one couldn’t be blamed on lack of education.

I was a voracious reader. Not the classics, just sex manuals. I’m sure I would have qualified to hold the record as the world’s most sexually-informed virgin, if only Guinness had tracked such things. I knew all the naughty secrets revealed by every author from Alex Comfort to Dr. Ruth. I knew stuff that made me blush. But the most embarrassing fact of life was that I remained a virgin at the overripe age of nineteen.

My chances of finding the virginity antidote at Dalton College looked none too promising. The English Lit nerds in my classes wanted nothing to do with the likes of me, so I had to get serious. I embarked on a mission to cure my virginal affliction. I started assessing every guy I laid eyes on as a potential candidate for the mission.

The first contender came highly recommended, though his nomination had disaster written all over it. Michael was a blind date set up by my mother.

“He’s so cute,” she gushed, “If I was your age, I’d be all over him.”

Yes

Maybe there’s some truth to the old saying, “Third time’s the charm.” This is the third version Colleen has sent, and this one scored with me. A delightful voice and strong, clear writing are the main ingredients, and then there’s the story question of what will happen with this blind date, set up nicely by the mother’s gush for tension and possible failure—or a reversal.

That’s not to say there couldn’t be improvements--a little scene-setting would have been good. As you’ll see, I had a clarity issue with the Michael incident. The explanatory parts of the opening paragraph could be trimmed. But this character and her odd goal captured me. Notes:

“I think it’s about time you got on the pill.” This was mother’s favourite conversation starter ever since the Michael incident. By the time I met Nathan, she’d raised the contraceptive alerts to level-5 hysteria, suitable for imminent catastrophes. Run for cover! Impregnator heading your way! Honestly, she had nothing to worry about. My virginity and I were inseparable, and unlike most social ills, this one couldn’t be blamed on lack of education. I just discovered that there is a clarity issue for me—I’d thought, from this opening paragraph, that the Michael incident was long past and not the topic of the story, so I wanted just a bit more. Then, upon re-reading, I realized that the story goes to Michael. Yes, it’s backstory. But very funny, and gives us tons of character—and I finished the chapter suspecting that there was more to the Michael story in pages to come. So I’ll let that go for now. Voice and snappy writing do a lot. The reference to Nathan doesn’t help, just another name tossed at me. So I suggest simplify, especially since the story carries on with Michael, not Nathan. In fact, I suggest not using this paragraph at all.

I was a voracious reader. Not the classics, just sex manuals. I’m sure I would have qualified to hold the record as the world’s most sexually-informed virgin, if only Guinness had tracked such things. I knew all the naughty secrets revealed by every author from Alex Comfort to Dr. Ruth. I knew stuff that made me blush. But the most embarrassing fact of life was that I remained a virgin at the overripe age of nineteen. I suggest starting with this paragraph and leaving the earlier bits to later. That might give room to give the reader a hint of why this is a problem with her. What are the stakes? Self-esteem?

My chances of finding the virginity antidote at Dalton College looked none too promising. The English Lit nerds in my classes wanted nothing to do with the likes of me, so I had to get serious. I embarked on a mission to cure my virginal affliction. I started assessing every guy I laid eyes on as a potential candidate for the mission. What is there about “the likes” of her that turns them off? Just a hint would help.

The first contender came highly recommended, though his nomination had disaster written all over it. Michael was a blind date set up by my mother.

“He’s so cute,” she gushed, “If I was your age, I’d be all over him.”

We soon learn what the Michael incident was in a very funny scene. And, as I said, it felt like there was more on the way about him and her—at least I hope so. Mostly, though, I wanted more of this sassy and funny character.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey