Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Sarah—would you turn the first page?

Are you near Edmonds, WA this weekend? I ask because I’m there this weekend to do my Killer First Page workshop at the Write on the Sound Writer’s Conference. If you’re in the neighborhood, I’ll be at the book signing events Saturday evening and Sunday Noon.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Sarah has sent the first chapter of The Lieutenant Mafia.

The room was darker than I’d expected–a fact the occupants did their best to compensate for by increasing the noise volume. The younger pilots were jostling and jeering their way around the crud table, the balls cracking sharply against each other, while the older pilots sat at a table by the door, bickering good-naturedly over their cards. Laughter burst from several pockets of younger, non-pilot officers grouped throughout the room, Arran sitting among them in the far corner. It was all her fault I was here.

I was just getting settled on my air mattress (the only piece of “furniture” in my otherwise empty duplex) with a good book and a cup of hot tea, when she called, insisting I join her in this antiquated military ritual.

“Is it mandatory?” I planned to avoid all Air Force related functions at which my presence was not one hundred percent, absolutely required.

“No,” she’d laughed, “but if you want to find a man, there is no better place to survey your options than First Friday in a fighter wing.”

She’d only been by best friend for three weeks but already she knew how to push my buttons. So I gave in and drove to the O’ Club, cursing her logic the whole way.

Now here I was lurking in the hallway shadows, still reluctant to enter, only voices behind me finally forcing me to step through the doorway. I walked across the room, the curious (snip)

Close

This may be an audience thing—I liked the voice and the writing, the character is likeable and sympathetic, but the situation less than tension-producing. But this seems like a romance mixed with adventure, and for a romance audience the opening of a woman entering this situation might be perfectly compelling.

Still, I wonder if the opening couldn’t also include some hint of trouble ahead for this character. If a romance, the story is about that, of course, but it has to be about something else, too. One alternative that could make it more compelling would be trimming the opening and going directly to the part later in the chapter where a drunken pilot is trying to grope her and she has to deal with that. There was conflict and tension in that part of the scene. By the way, “crud table” isn’t a typo, I asked. Notes:

The room was darker than I’d expected–a fact the occupants did their best to compensate for by increasing the noise volume. The younger pilots jostled and jeered were jostling and jeering their way around the crud table, the balls cracking sharply against each other, while the older pilots sat at a table by the door, bickering good-naturedly over their cards. Laughter burst from several pockets of younger, non-pilot officers grouped throughout the room, Arran sitting among them in the far corner. It was all her fault I was here. Even though “crud table” is a legitimate label for whatever it is, the possibility that it should have been “crude table” took me out of the story. I think you should either not use the term or define it in context some way. I deleted “sharply” because, by definition, a “crack” is sharp.

I was just had been getting settled on my air mattress (the only piece of “furniture” in my otherwise empty duplex) with a good book and a cup of hot tea when she called, insisting I join her in this antiquated military ritual.

“Is it mandatory?” I planned to avoid all Air Force-related functions at which my presence was not one hundred percent, absolutely required.

“No,” she’d laughed, “but if you want to find a man, there is no better place to survey your options than First Friday in a fighter wing.” This does a nice job of giving us context in a natural way.

She’d only been by best friend for three weeks, but already she knew how to push my buttons. So I gave in and drove to the O’ Club, cursing her logic the whole way.

Now here I was lurking in the hallway shadows, still reluctant to enter, only voices behind me finally forcing me to step through the doorway. I walked across the room, the curious (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Scott—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Scott has sent the first chapter of Operation Juvenile .

Jace smacked his alarm clock.

The constant beeping and steady sounds of branches rapping against the window have robbed him from extra rest. His body needed the added slumber since he ached from head to toe. And he knew his mind would soon feel the same once his grandmother realized the time.

“Get out of bed now,” Grandma Lois said from the kitchen. “You cannot be late again.”
Jace winced. He felt stiff, but wasting another minute would give Grandma a free ticket to bust through the door.

A few grimaces later and he meandered to the edge of the bed. Finding a clean pair of pants and an unwrinkled T-shirt provided the next obstacles.

Jace wanted to look good for his final day of eighth grade. Middle school was tough. But today signaled a new beginning. No more oppressive teachers and over-sensitive boys. High school meant freedom. Now all he needed to do was convince his grandma to loosen the reins a little.

“When are you going to learn to listen?” Grandma asked. “On the count of three, I’m breaking through that door and dragging you to school.”

Jace had a tendency to push people to the brink, especially his grandma. Not a day went by that Jace didn’t test Grandma’s patience, usually leading to a lecture about being respectful to (snip)

Nope

The writing is sound in what I believe is a middle-grade story, though it could be YA (I think the protagonist is on the young side for YA), but this opening didn’t raise any story questions for me, thus no tension, thus no page-turn. Frankly, I don’t think a narrative about a kid waking up is interesting even to an eighth-grader if there’s no hint of something that will soon happen to him.

I looked through the rest of the chapter, and seven pages in something interesting did happen—two men came to the house to take him away for a summer boot camp (I wonder if they can really take him out of school for this).

But even that, I think, is not where the story starts. The first chapter is devoted to exposition about what a fighter and troublemaker Jace is, his little sister, and life as Jace. I think the story starts when he’s at boot camp. By just being there we know he’s trouble, and much of this exposition can be woven in—if it’s necessary at all. I suggest Scott look later for the start of this story. Notes:

Jace smacked his alarm clock.

The constant beeping and steady sounds of branches rapping against the window have robbed him from extra rest. His body needed the added slumber since he ached from head to toe. And he knew his mind would soon feel the same once his grandmother realized the time. We later learn that he’s sore because of a fight at school. Why not let the reader know this now?

“Get out of bed now,” Grandma Lois said from the kitchen. “You cannot be late again.”
Jace winced. He felt stiff, but wasting another minute would give Grandma a free ticket to bust through the door.

A few grimaces later and he meandered to the edge of the bed. Finding a clean pair of pants and an unwrinkled T-shirt provided the next obstacles.

Jace wanted to look good for his final day of eighth grade. Middle school was tough. But today signaled a new beginning. No more oppressive teachers and over-sensitive boys. High school meant freedom. Now all he needed to do was convince his grandma to loosen the reins a little.

“When are you going to learn to listen?” Grandma asked. “On the count of three, I’m breaking through that door and dragging you to school.”

Jace had a tendency to push people to the brink, especially his grandma. Not a day went by that Jace didn’t test Grandma’s patience, usually leading to a lecture about being respectful to (snip) For me, this is the author intruding to tell us about Jace. I don’t think a teen boy would be thinking about his tendency to push people to the brink. Show us, don’t tell us. And, as I said, start the story at the boot camp.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tara—would you turn the first page?

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But first, a writing tidbit from me. I entered a competition on the Chiseled in Rock blog of the Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers organization, and they accepted the opening of my first chapter of the sequel to The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. For your reading pleasure (brief, 800 words), stop in by for the opening of The Hollywood Unmurders.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Taray has sent the first chapter of Driven.

Nobody thought I should be alone at a time like that. Alone is what I longed for. But every time I turned around, someone else was there. Pretending to care more than they did.

The incessant chittering of the latest babysitters grated on my nerves worse than a fork screeching across a dish. I gulped down some aspirin and grabbed the tray of snacks to take to the den. This particular pack could have chosen any one of their own homes to play Bridge, but, lucky me, my inn was voted most hospitable for the night.

My inn. I’d never get used to that. Running this massive place seemed an insurmountable job. Not like I hadn’t carried a lot of the weight, but Dad had always been there. Until he wasn’t. From there out, though, I’d be on my own.

“Yoo-hoo, Chloe.” Mrs. Peyton’s cheery beckon sent the fork scraping over the plate again. “Do you have any more of this lovely Cabernet?”

“I’ll see if I can find some.” I rooted through the pantry, glad for another few minutes alone. The wine was out of stock. At least in the main house. Even better.

A few steps from the storage building I glimpsed a shadow in the window of the garage. A lighted window—to a place I hadn’t set foot in since he died. I froze. A lump formed in my throat, blocking my breath. Frosted window panes glowed a muted yellow, casting a mosaic pattern over the figure of a person. A very large one.

Yes, but. . .

The voice is strong, the writing clean, and the story question raised by the figure in the garage was enough to get me to turn the page, but before that I had clarity issues that just about stopped me. First and foremost was the reference to “babysitters.” Upon reflection, and re-reading the opening paragraph, I understand what the author intended. However, my first response as a reader was to think that the narrator was a child of some sort—who else needs babysitters? Since we don’t know what “a time like that was,” the connection wasn’t clear to me. Notes:

Nobody thought I should be alone at a time like that. Alone is was what I longed for. But every time I turned around, someone else was there. Pretending to care more than they did. I think the reader should be clued in to what “time” this is. It would be easy. For example: Alone was what I had longed for since my dad died.

The incessant chittering of the latest babysitters grated on my nerves worse than a fork screeching across a dish. I gulped down some aspirin and grabbed the tray of snacks to take to the den. This particular pack could have chosen any one of their own homes to play B bridge, but, lucky me, my inn was voted most hospitable for the night. “some” is a waste word that doesn’t add anything to a description.

My inn. I’d never get used to that. Running this massive place seemed an insurmountable job. Not like I hadn’t carried a lot of the weight, but Dad had always been there. Until he wasn’t. From there out, though, I’d be on my own.

“Yoo-hoo, Chloe.” Mrs. Peyton’s cheery beckon sent the fork scraping over the plate again. “Do you have any more of this lovely C cabernet?”

“I’ll see if I can find some.” I rooted through the pantry, glad for another few minutes alone. The wine was out of stock. At least in the main house. Even better.

A few steps from the storage building I glimpsed a shadow in the window of the garage. A lighted window—to a place I hadn’t set foot in since he died. I froze. A lump formed in my throat, blocking my breath. Frosted window panes glowed a muted yellow, casting a mosaic pattern over the figure of a person. A very large one. For me, a little transition would have helped with this paragraph. We are inside and then suddenly a few steps from a storage building. A thought-starter: Outside, a few steps from the storage building . . .

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

The Silent Girl by Tess Gerrittsen—a storyteller review

Occasionally I like to do a review of a book from not only a reader’s point of view but from a storyteller/editor aspect. From the reader side, for me this story became one of those that you don’t want to leave. When I had to do other things on the weekend, I resented being deprived of it.

In short, I think this is one of Tess’s best. Not only is the writing strong as usual and the plot twisty and interesting, she has added rich flavors and spices through the infusion of her Chinese heritage.

That first page

We evaluate first pages on FtQ, so how does this one do? Here is roughly what would have appeared on the first page of her manuscript:

All day, I have been watching the girl.

She gives no indication that she’s aware of me, although my rental car is within view of the street corner where she and the other teenagers have gathered this afternoon, doing whatever bored kids do to pass the time. She looks younger than the others, but perhaps it’s because she’s Asian and petite at seventeen, just a wisp of a girl. Her black hair is cropped as short as a boy’s, and her blue jeans are ragged and torn. Not a fashion statement, I think, but a result of hard use and life on the streets. She puffs on a cigarette and exhales a cloud of smoke with the nonchalance of a street thug, an attitude that doesn’t match her pale face and delicate Chinese features. She is pretty enough to attract the hungry stares of two men who pass by. The girl notices their looks and glares straight back at them, unafraid, but it’s easy to be fearless when danger is merely an abstract concept. Faced with a real threat, how would this girl react, I wonder. Would she put up a fight or crumble? I want to know what she’s made of, but I have not seen her put to the test.

As evening falls, the teenagers on the corner begin to disband. First one and then another wanders away. In San Francisco, even summer nights are chilly, and those who remain huddle together in their sweaters and jackets, lighting one another’s cigarettes, savoring the ephemeral heat of the flame. But cold and hunger eventually disperse the last of them, leaving only the girl who has no place to go.

How does this opening fare in terms of my list of story ingredients? These are the elements that a writer can use, though not all of them necessarily appear on a first page.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

Tension For me (keeping in mind that this is all so subjective), this opening created plenty of tension. Yes, it is no doubt aided by the fact that I know that Tess is an accomplished bestselling author of thrillers, but the first line started the tension in me. Then the narrator’s questions about the girl’s reactions to a threat suggest that a threat is coming.

Story Questions I really ought to rearrange my list to put this first because they are what created the tension. Why is the narrator watching the girl? What threat may be coming? Why does the narrator care whether or not she will crumble? Why does she want to know what she’s made of ? Why doesn’t the girl have anyplace to go? Where will she go? Will the narrator follow? What’s this about? What will happen next?

Voice For me, the voice is one of the strongest of the elements here. Clear, strong, assured, and distinct. The confidence in the writing lets you know that an accomplished storyteller is on the stage. And it characterizes the first-person narrator as well.

Clarity Not a moment’s confusion from any of the language or narrative. It slips into my brain easily and cleanly with no stumbles, no pauses. Even the onrushing nature of the long second paragraph works to stream the narrative flow my way.

Scene setting The narrative gives me plenty to work with. Even though focused tightly on the girl, there’s enough of where she is that I have a context for what the narrator gives me. And the description of the girl is a fine example of what I call “experiential”—delivered through the filter of the narrator’s point of view. Her appearance and actions are characterized by shading that comes from the narrator—looks younger, smoking with a thug’s nonchalance, ragged jeans not a fashion statement, etc. There’s a perceived hint of danger, too, with the two hungry men eyeing the girl.

Character This opening does a nice job of delivering not one but two characters. The nature of the narrator is coming through. He or she is mysterious, but not threatening, it seemed to me. And the independent nature and strength of the girl has been painted pretty clearly, too.

Strongly recommended Both from a reader’s point of view and as an example of how to write a mystery, you can’t go wrong with The Silent Girl by Tess Gerritsen. Did you know, by the way, that she blogs as well, with her own blog and regular posts on Murderati?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Flogometer for Ann—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Ann has sent the first chapter of A Virgin Adrift, a historical romance.

Galveston Island, January 1895

“I do believe this is the most enchanting event of the season so far,” Mrs. Wood said in a conspiratorial whisper behind a lacy fan that perfectly matched the emerald silk of her dress.

Amelia wondered why she bothered with the fan, since the sea breeze was cool, and there was little chance she would be heard over the din of the chamber orchestra and the hundred or so guests milling about in the ballroom and terrace that overlooked the estate. Besides, Mrs. Wood had not had influence over Galveston society since Jefferson Davis had had influence over the Confederacy.

“The Wainwrights have certainly spared no expense,” said Mrs. Bennett, tucking a wisp of snow-white hair into an elaborate bun. “I understand that Jarvis brought in the orchestra all the way from Paris. He’ll be hard pressed to top this during Mardi Gras.”

“But if anyone can do it, it is he. And who can blame him for a bit of extravagance?” said Mrs. Wood. “It is not every day that one’s brother and his new bride return home from half a year of hobnobbing with nobility across Europe. Mrs. Wainwright told me that Richard’s new wife is kin to the Duke of Essex – and she seems positively charming.”

“Indeed. I have practically forgotten that she’s not BOI,” said Mrs. Bennett. Mrs. Wood’s fan stopped in mid-wave as all eyes descended upon Amelia. “Oh dear – do forgive my insolence.”

Not this reader

The writing is quite good, and the scene well set by that second paragraph, which does a good job of introducing the protagonist with a bit of experiential description. I’m not a specialist in romance, but it seems to me that there still has to be tension on the first page. I'll admit, though, that I have no idea how this gossipy opening will appeal to that audience.

This page continues with exposition and some backstory until, on page 3, Amelia’s younger sister appears and has lost a huge diamond from her mother’s necklace. By the way, “BOI” means Born on the Island—Galveston Island.

The writing is so clean that I don’t really have any nit-picks. Your comments may help guide Ann. I think there’s good stuff to come and that Amelia is a strong character (for example, we learn on page 2 that she must deal with the fact her marriage prospects in this society are doomed because of burn scars on one arm from the big fire), but we need to get there sooner.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Suzanne—would you turn the first page?

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Apologies. I got caught up in doing a book design for a client this morning and forgot about posting a flogging. Here you go.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Suzanne has sent the first chapter of The Race .

Cash thought no one was looking. It was early- 5:14 am- two hours before sunrise. He strolled down the empty street, sipping the decaf he had just bought at the KwikMart. Stopping at the convenience store had been a risk, but only a small one. When chaos broke loose that afternoon, the chances were slim that the sleepy kid behind the counter would remember a random guy who filled up his tank and bought a coffee that morning. Just passing through, thought Cash.

The instructions he received over the telephone on Monday morning had been precise. In Tuesday's mail he would receive an envelope containing a fake Illinois driver license with the name John Bhaer, three credit cards and an AARP card issued to the same name, and a modest amount of cash, along with a plane ticket from Atlanta to Panama City, Florida. A reservation had been made for Mr. Bhaer at a motel near the airport. A mid-size sedan would be waiting for pickup when he landed. At 7:30 pm, Mr. Bhaer was to have supper at a certain restaurant on Front Beach Road. At 8:20, a blond woman in her mid-thirties would join him. After a drink and some small talk, she would go to the restroom, leaving her backpack at the table. Mr. Bhaer would then return to his room for the night, taking the backpack with him. On Saturday morning, he would drive to Apalachicola, Florida, arriving no later than 5:00 am. He knew what to do when he arrived.

Almost

I’ll admit to a certain amount of intrigue in this litany of careful preparations for something, and it certainly insinuates something nasty about to happen. But I bogged down about halfway through the litany.

I would look for a way to trim all this so the following intriguing paragraph from page 2 could be on the first page:

Cash had been warned that the town would be full of people; innocent lives would be lost. But that was no concern of his. His employer was good at dealing with the fallout that follows a crisis- that's how he got elected.

Now, I found that intriguing. Notes:

Cash thought no one was looking. It was early- 5:14 am- two hours before sunrise. He strolled down the empty street, sipping the decaf he had just bought at the KwikMart. Stopping at the convenience store had been a risk, but only a small one. When chaos broke loose that afternoon, the chances were slim that the sleepy kid behind the counter would remember a random guy who filled up his tank and bought a coffee that morning. Just passing through, thought Cash.

The instructions he had received over the telephone on Monday morning had been precise. In Tuesday's mail he would receive an envelope containing a fake Illinois driver license with the name John Bhaer, three credit cards and an AARP card issued to the same name, and a modest amount of cash, along with a plane ticket from Atlanta to Panama City, Florida. A reservation had been made for Mr. Bhaer at a motel near the airport. A mid-size sedan would be waiting for pickup when he landed. At 7:30 pm, Mr. Bhaer was to have supper at a certain restaurant on Front Beach Road. At 8:20, a blond woman in her mid-thirties would join him. After a drink and some small talk, she would go to the restroom, leaving her backpack at the table. Mr. Bhaer would then return to his room for the night, taking the backpack with him. On Saturday morning, he would drive to Apalachicola, Florida, arriving no later than 5:00 am. He knew what to do when he arrived. Just a couple of suggestions for trimming.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

MFA for writers of children's and YA

SOLSTICE MFA in CREATIVE WRITING PROGRAM ANNOUNCES NEW PARTNERSHIP WITH THE FOUNDATION FOR CHILDREN’S BOOKS

Chestnut Hill, MA--The Solstice Low-Residency MFA in Creative Writing Program of Pine Manor College is proud to announce a new partnership with The Foundation for Children’s Books (FCB), a nonprofit organization that cultivates children’s curiosity, creativity, and academic achievement by igniting in them a love of good books. The FCB and Solstice MFA Program will co-host the first in a series of biannual events, “What’s New in Children’s Books” —a half-day conference featuring authors, illustrators, and library and bookstore professionals— Saturday, November 5th from 8 a.m.–noon on the Pine Manor College campus, 400 Heath Street in Chestnut Hill.

“What's New in Children's Books?” will feature illustrator Bryan Collier, winner of the Caldecott Honor Award and the 2011 Coretta Scott King Illustrator Award for Dave the Potter: Artist, Poet, Slave, written by Solstice MFA faculty member Laban Carrick Hill; middle-grade and teen novel writer Mark Peter Hughes, whose book Lemonade Mouth is now a Disney Channel movie; Penny Noyce, doctor, educator, mother of five, and author of Lost in Lexicon: An Adventure in Words and Numbers; and Terry Schmitz, owner of the Children's Book Shop in Brookline, MA. The conference includes coffee and refreshments, new books from the Children's Book Shop, and book sales and signing.

As one of the few low-residency MFA programs to offer a concentration in writing for children and young adults, the Solstice MFA Program of Pine Manor College has worked to integrate writers whose work is targeted toward a variety of audiences.

“The Solstice MFA Program believes that our children and young people deserve high quality literature that reflects the diversity of America,” says Solstice MFA Director Meg Kearney. “Our new partnership with the Foundation for Children’s Books underscores our mutual goals of putting good books into the hands of young readers, and introducing writers and illustrators to the people who play a vital role in exciting children about literature: teachers and librarians.”

THE SOLSTICE MFA IN CREATIVE WRITING PROGRAM OF PINE MANOR COLLEGE OFFERS FOUR FELLOWSHIPS FOR WRITERS

Chestnut Hill, MA--The Solstice Low-Residency MFA in Creative Writing Program of Pine Manor College is pleased to offer four $1,000 fellowships for writers: The Dennis Lehane Fellowship for Fiction; the Michael Steinberg Fellowship for Creative Nonfiction; the Jacqueline Woodson Fellowship for a Young People’s Writer of African or Caribbean Descent; and the Sharon Olds Fellowship for Poetry.

All fellowship awards are based on the quality of a writing sample.

Fellowship applications are due October 14, 2011 (not a postmark date; materials must be received in our offices before or on October 14). Fellowship applicants are strongly encouraged to apply early. Notification letters will be mailed to winners only on November 15, 2011. Awards must be applied toward the winter residency/spring semester directly following acceptance; fellowships cannot be deferred or applied toward a summer residency/fall semester start.

About our donors (underwriters of the Sharon Olds Poetry Fellowship wish to remain anonymous):

A former staff writer for HBO’s The Wire, Solstice MFA writer-in-residence Dennis Lehane is author of nine novels, including Mystic River, Shutter Island, and Gone, Baby, Gone—each of which has been made into a feature film— and the fall 2010 release, Moonlight Mile.

Solstice MFA writer-in-residence Michael Steinberg is a memoirist, essayist, and founding editor of the literary journal, Fourth Genre: Explorations in Nonfiction. His memoir Still Pitching was named the 2003 Independent Press memoir of the year.

Solstice MFA consulting writer Jacqueline Woodson is author of numerous books for children and young adults, including Feathers, a Newbery Honor Book; Miracle’s Boys, winner of the Coretta Scott King Award; and Locomotion, winner of the Horn Book Award.

ABOUT SOLSTICE & PINE MANOR COLLEGE

As an undergraduate institution consistently ranked among the most diverse in the country, Pine Manor College emphasizes an inclusive, community-building approach to liberal arts education. The Solstice MFA in Creative Writing reflects the College’s overall mission by creating a supportive, welcoming environment in which writers of all backgrounds are encouraged to take creative risks. They strive to instill in students an appreciation for the value of community-building and community service, and see engagement with the literary arts not only as a means to personal fulfillment but also as an instrument for real cultural change.

Directions to Pine Manor College, complete bios of authors, and more information about the Solstice MFA in Creative Writing Program can be found at www.pmc.edu/mfa.

Flogometer for Britney —would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Britney has sent the first chapter of Mer du Sang .

“Get the hell out!”

Aiden ducked as she flung the heavy book at his head. “Paige! What do you think you’re doing?” he shouted, scooping the book up as he backed away from the apartment doorway. “Do you have any idea how old this thing is? You could have seriously done some damage!”

“You and your damn book!” she screamed back, hurling a case of CD’s at him this time. “You think I don’t know what you were doing last night? You think I’m stupid?”

He caught the CD case, and cradling it and his book protectively to his chest. “You’re crazy!” he shouted at her, stumbling down the hallway. Her only response was another wordless roar and the sound of something he probably loved and cherished being smashed against the wall of what had been, until approximately two and a half minutes ago, their apartment.

Swearing furiously, he jogged down the three flights of stairs that separated him from the relative safety of the Los Angeles streets.

“Damn it, Paige,” he muttered as the doors to his apartment building slammed shut behind him for what would probably be the last time. He looked down at the book he held in his arms; this, his CD collection, and the clothes he was wearing from the night before were the only things he had been able to salvage from the wreckage of his week and a half relationship with Paige. Yes, he had cheated before. But, ironically, he hadn’t yet cheated on her.

Almost

I liked opening with an immediate scene, and there’s certainly tension here, and a what-happens-next story question. But there were a few craft issues that stopped me—they’re things that an edit could clean up, but I was in my surly agent mode.

More than that, Britney just missed getting the strongest hook on the first page. This line awaited the reader on page 2:

“Is it really so hard to believe that I was hunting vampires last night?” he asked the rising sun.

I would definitely have turned the page with that. So let’s see if we can make room for it and fix a couple of things, including a reliance on adverb/verb combos.

“Get the hell out!”

Aiden ducked as she flung the heavy book at his head. “Paige! What do you think you’re doing?” he shouted, scooping the book up as he backed away from the apartment doorway. “Do you have any idea how old this thing is? You could have seriously done some damage!” It would have been helpful if this let us know how the book was special or important in some way other than that it was old.

“You and your damn book!” she screamed back, hurling a case of CD’s at him this time. “You think I don’t know what you were doing last night? You think I’m stupid?”

He caught the CD case, and cradling cradled it and his book protectively to his chest. “You’re crazy!” he shouted at her, stumbling He stumbled down the hallway. Her only response was another wordless roar and the sound of something he probably loved and cherished being smashed smashing against the wall of what had been, until approximately two and a half minutes ago, their apartment.

Swearing furiously, he jogged down the three flights of stairs that separated him from the relative safety of the Los Angeles streets.While there’s nothing wrong with this, and there’s a touch of humor, it isn’t needed as the next paragraph transitions us and we need to get that strong line on the first page.

“Damn it, Paige,” he muttered as the doors to his apartment building slammed shut behind him for what would probably be the last time. He looked down at the book he held in his arms; this, his CD collection, and the clothes he was wearing from the night before were the only things he had been able to salvage from the wreckage of his week-and-a-half relationship with Paige. Yes, he had cheated before. But, ironically, he hadn’t yet cheated on her. A note on the CD collection—there couldn’t have been very many if she could hurl them and he could easily carry them. Is this necessary? And a younger, contemporary person would probably have all their music on an iPod or their smartphone.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Help critique an author’s new book enticement package

M. K. Yarborough has sent the things I call an enticement package for Shadow Keeper—the book cover, blurb, first page, and first two chapters. A genre wasn’t specified, but it seems YA to me.

Please help this author--take a look and give constructive feedback with comments and the poll below. I have some thoughts on the cover that I’ll share after that.

Brendon Alexander watched his father die, but has no recollection of the horrific event. His mother won't talk, but his dead grandfather will. While staring into the flames of a campfire, Brendon discovers a gateway to the spirit world. His grandfather appears on a puff of smoke and tells him of the gift he inherited from his father: He has the power to force a demon from an inflicted body and send the creature back to Hell.

Lisa Stratton, the new girl at school, shows up with a few secrets of her own—her father is possessed by a demon. She realizes Brendon is the key to his recovery, but can he help? She flirts with Brendon, hoping to discover if he has the ability to cleanse the evil from her father’s body.

The closer Brendon gets to Lisa, the more he discovers buried secrets from the past. Not hers, but his—his father’s death and the creature that killed him, and the legacy handed down to him from beyond the grave. Burning curiosity and frightening nightmares thrust Brendon deeper into his past while Lisa urges him forward into danger—and into his destiny.

The first page:

After the flash of lightning, I waited for the peal of thunder, but instead, a long pitiful shriek echoed from outside the house. A shiver rippled through me, making my flesh prickle. I threw back the covers and crawled from the bed.

Thunder crashed overhead as I searched for the pullcord in the heavy folds of the curtains. I yanked them open, but only a black void stared back at me. Dark storm clouds blocked all illumination from the stars and moon.

I cracked open the window and pressed my ear against the mesh screen. No shrieking howl, no gusting wind, not even a drop of rain on the patio outside disrupted the silence.

A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky and the night turned bright as day. I squinted to shield my vision from the burst of light, but not before glimpsing a shadowy figure lingering at the edge of our yard near the alfalfa field. A mournful howl ripped through the air and mingled with the clap of thunder. The creature twisted lower to the ground and disappeared into a clump of oak trees.

A cold chill snaked up my back. I blinked my eyes. Was that an animal, or a man scurrying into the cover of the trees? Not certain what I’d witnessed, I scratched at the stubble on my neck while backing away from the window.

“Ow,” I yelped when my foot scrapped against a sharp object. I hopped around on one foot while rubbing at the heel of my other.

“Brendon?” my little brother mumbled from the upper bunk.

“Yeah, Stevie. It’s me. I think I just stepped on your dinosaur.”

“Give it back,” he said in a sleepy voice.

And this is a link to a PDF of the first two chapters.

Good luck, M.K. And to other self-publishers out there, this is a free opportunity to see how well your work entices.

My thoughts on these elements:

Cover: there’s a mood there, the color is vivid, and the silhouette image suggests shadows. However, I think the overall design says “not a professionally published book.” Part of the reason is the font selection and treatment. It mostly serves the purpose, though the author name is too small for me. But the selection, the leading of the lines and the kerning of the characters don’t feel like “pro” to me. In short, this cover, while its color might attract attention, could also give a potential buyer doubts about the quality of the story.

The first page: the writing is sound, though I would have done a little editing—but you know me. The tension started to fade at the end. Because the opening did raise story questions and suggested some kind of encounter ahead, I would have turned the page.

The chapters: again, good writing, but the need for a little editorial coaching showed up. The first chapter didn’t increase the tension. Instead, it got into exposition and backstory, and delivered no hint of the story the blurb talks about.

The second chapter got our boy to school, where we got more exposition about a girl who sleeps around. Finally, the mysterious new girl arrives. I suspect the new-kid-comes-to-school scene is a bit of a cliché in YA fiction, and I would look for a more dramatic way to meet her. The only tension aroused in this chapter was the question of whether or not these two would get together, and, since we already pretty much know the answer, that tension fades. The second chapter opened with an allusion to the mysterious events that started the first chapter, but quickly left that and went into the more mundane. There was no more about the story the blurb mentioned. My suspicion is that the story should start later.

It might interest you to see what bestselling author M.J. Rose, who started her career as a self-publisher, has to say about what Indie authors should do about editing.

However, I encourage you to read them and form your own opinion.

Please share your thoughts on the storytelling even if this isn’t your genre. Thanks.

Ray

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© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Fran—would you turn the first page?

Book editing, design, and production is the total focus of my new website, Crrreative Book Editing and Design.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Fran has sent the first chapter of OFF .

I don’t remember how old we was when Artie May and me seen the angel. We was real little, maybe four and five years old, five and six at most. It came in the middle of the night when we was asleep. Our bed was against the front room wall that had the window. I don’t know what waked me up that night. I don’t remember no noise at all—the house was still as still can be. Dead still. Daddy’s snoring won’t even coming from the bedroom like usual. Mama left the window open just a crack ’cause it was summer, and the thin white curtains she made outen somebody’s old gown was fluttering a bit from the breeze. I sat up in the bed and somehow I just knowed I needed to look out that window. It was almost like I heared a voice but of course I didn’t hear no voice, except only in my mind.

It said, Ollie Fay, come see.

See what? I wondered. The window was up kind of high. Standing on the bed, even on my tiptoes, I could not quite reach the sill. I had to crawl over top of Artie May and get Mama’s little wooden bench outen the kitchen, the one she stood on to reach things on top of the cabinets. How I got that bench onto the bed and over to the window without entirely killing Artie May I don’t know, but I did.

“Stop it, Ollie Fay,” she mumbled, tugging on the curbins and snuggling back under.

I wavered, but would turn

That first line about seeing an angel raised a strong-enough story question to get me to turn the page, but the heavy use of dialect was getting in the way, and I wouldn’t have wanted to see a whole novel full of “curbins.” Notes:

I don’t remember how old we was when Artie May and me seen the angel. We was real little, maybe four and five years old, five and six at most. It came in the middle of the night when we was asleep. Our bed was against the front room wall that had the window. I don’t know what waked me up that night. I don’t remember no noise at all—the house was still as still can be. Dead still. Daddy’s snoring won’t even coming from the bedroom like usual. Mama left the window open just a crack ’cause it was summer, and the thin white curtains she made outen somebody’s old gown was fluttering a bit from the breeze. I sat up in the bed and somehow I just knowed I needed to look out that window. It was almost like I heared a voice but of course I didn’t hear no voice, except only in my mind. I realize you’re trying to give the reader the sound of southern speech, but the use of “won’t” in this case just doesn’t work for me—it just muddies the clarity. And wouldn’t it be “wan’t”? Which I also wouldn’t use. I think the order of things need to be looked at—she sits up in the bed because of the voice, but she does it before she hears it. I’d break the paragraph up and move the voice part to before sitting up, etc.

It said, Ollie Fay, come see. Another good story question raised. See what?

See what? I wondered. The window was up kind of high. Standing on the bed, even on my tiptoes, I could not quite reach the sill. I had to crawl over top of Artie May and get Mama’s little wooden bench outen the kitchen, the one she stood on to reach things on top of the cabinets. How I got that bench onto the bed and over to the window without entirely killing Artie May I don’t know, but I did.

“Stop it, Ollie Fay,” she mumbled, tugging on the curbins and snuggling back under. For me, the “curbins” part doesn’t make sense. If it’s dialect for “curtains,” then a little girl lying on a bed couldn’t have reached them. And why would she snuggle under curtains. If this is a southern word (and I’m from Texas, and I never heard it) for some kind of bedclothes, it needs to be defined in context somehow if you want to use it. I wouldn’t. The first page need to grab attention, not divert it with explanations and definitions of unusual words, IMO.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey