The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Ren has sent the first chapter of Black Tide.
Travelers gawked at River Bradley as she slid through Norfolk International Airport’s baggage claim on the conveyor. Or maybe they were staring at her underwear. She clambered across the baggage carousel and grabbed her pink polka dot bra off of a purple suitcase. Half of everything she needed for her summer on Ocracoke Island had been stowed in an overstuffed duffel until the bag tumbled down the conveyor and split open, spilling her clothes across the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me, but are these yours?”
River spun around. A lanky teenage boy held up the panties that matched her bra as he inspected River through one eye as the other was covered by a patch. He wore a flowing shirt cinched by a thick leather belt with a gaudy skull shaped belt buckle. His pants were tucked into knee-high boots, and a molting, stuffed parrot rested on his shoulder. The bird swayed from side to side, seeming to shake its head in disapproval. So much for first impressions.
“Yeah, those are mine.” She leapt off the conveyer and snatched her underwear out of his hand. “Are you with the Lost Cove Pirate Faire?”
“What gave me away?”
River smiled. “Definitely the parrot. I’m River Bradley, the new hire.”
I turned the page
Voice, charm, a likeable character, and just enough of a “what will happen next” question in my mind got me to turn the page. Good, clean writing and opening with an immediate scene instead of backstory makes this a good start. However, a word to Ren: the next 10 pages amount to a lot of introductory exposition even though there is some fun to be had. It’s all about her arrival and other people there. Not until the end of the chapter does any real tension develop. As much fun as this “underwear” opening is, I encourage Ren to look to a later point in the story to start. The details and nature of the “world” of this Faire can be woven in. A few notes:
Travelers gawked at River Bradley as she slid through Norfolk International Airport’s baggage claim on the conveyor. Or maybe they were staring at her underwear. She clambered across the baggage carousel and grabbed her pink polka dot bra off of a purple suitcase. Half of everything she needed for her summer on Ocracoke Island had been stowed in an overstuffed duffel until the bag tumbled down the conveyor and split open, spilling her clothes across the baggage carousel. First, would she really be on the conveyor? In my airport experience, the conveyor comes from somewhere in the innards of the airport to disgorge baggage onto the carousel. How did she get into the innards of the building? Doesn’t seem credible to me, though I'll admit that this particular airport could be different. In terms of story, I think more could be done with “travelers gawked.” This is pretty much telling, and distant from the character. Would it be possible to put it more in her point of view? A thought-starter: River’s cheeks burned under the frowns of travelers as she raced around the baggage carousel in pursuit of her underwear.
“Excuse me, but are these yours?”
River spun around. A lanky teenage boy held up the panties that matched her bra as he inspected River through one eye as the other was covered by a patch. He wore a flowing shirt cinched by a thick leather belt with a gaudy skull shaped belt buckle. His pants were tucked into knee-high boots, and a molting stuffed parrot rested on his shoulder. The bird swayed from side to side, seeming to shake its head in disapproval. Good description, and the effect of the parrot on her makes it her experience, not just a snapshot. If there were more about her reaction to the boy’s costume, it wouldn’t hurt, but this works.
So much for first impressions. I broke this out as a separate paragraph because it’s really a different subject, and it loses its impact as her inner voice as part of the long description.
“Yeah, those are mine.” She leapt off the conveyer and snatched her underwear out of his hand. “Are you with the Lost Cove Pirate Faire?” Still some conveyor/carousel confusion in my mind here. Also, in the first paragraph, she clambered across the carousel to get the bra. Is she still on it? Seems unlikely. The staging of the action needs some thought, I think.
“What gave me away?” Nice.
River smiled. “Definitely the parrot. I’m River Bradley, the new hire.” Note that I didn’t use her last name in the thought-starter example. It wasn’t needed, and not using it is more intimate. Besides, it’s delivered here.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
TweetSubmitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey