Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Eileen—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Eileen has sent the first chapter of American Crude.

Getting kidnapped by men who do it for a living means they know how to silence you, how to prevent you from fighting back, and how to get you from a public sidewalk into their awaiting van in mere seconds.

I’d seen the black-bag-over-the-head thing done in movies. But what I never realized prior to the night of my own abduction is just how well the black bag works to keep you from screaming. Using the element of surprise, the bag takes your breath away. And then your voice box can’t function when your cloth-covered head gets snapped back a full ninety degrees as if you were a human Pez dispenser. After a minute, if you’ve retained your wits and gotten a handle on what’s happening, you might be able to muster a breath and scream through the bag. But you’re already face-down in van at that point, and it’s already speeding away. The black bag also has a dampening effect on your instinct to swing at your assailants since you can’t see what to swing at. The kind of men who use black bags are professionals after all, trained to know that the human fight-or-flight reflex is almost 100% wired into the vision centers. So shutting down your vision prevents that very specialized cocktail of an adrenaline dump from ever happening, making it all the easier for them to force your arms behind you and loop the flat plastic cords on your wrists. Of course, an entirely different adrenaline dump happens instead --one of fear and helplessness, one that sets your heart pounding so hard you (snip)

Yes for this one, but. . .

I like the voice a lot, and the writing is strong and clean. The situation raises strong story questions that made me want more. A problem for me, though, was the presentation.

The author alternated narrative done in bold italic with “normal” text. I’m not sure of the reasons, although it might have been a way to distinguish two point-of-view characters. They were both in first person, and I saw no clues to tell me whether or not they were different people. This is a problem.

I think that the bold italic is VERY difficult to read, and I urge you to find another way to distinguish these characters, if indeed there are two. Since there are chapters in my novels that alternate from one character to another and back, I know it can be done. The key is in writing transitions plus a visual signal that you’re changing POV.

I also think that the huge second paragraph should be broken up—a little “white space” or air in a page helps a reader. I’ll do some notes, but am removing the bold italic so my eyes will stick with it.

Getting kidnapped by men who do it for a living means they know how to silence you, how to prevent you from fighting back, and how to get you from a public sidewalk into their awaiting van in mere seconds.

I’d seen the black-bag-over-the-head thing done in movies. But what I never realized prior to the night of my own abduction is just how well the black bag works to keep you from screaming. Using the element of surprise, the bag takes your breath away. And then your voice box can’t function when your cloth-covered head gets snapped back a full ninety degrees as if you were a human Pez dispenser. added paragraph break

After a minute, if you’ve retained your wits and gotten a handle on what’s happening, you might be able to muster a breath and scream through the bag. But you’re already face-down in van at that point, and it’s already speeding away. The black bag also has a dampening effect on your instinct to swing at your assailants since you can’t see what to swing at. The kind of men who use black bags are professionals after all, trained to know that the human fight-or-flight reflex is almost 100% wired into the vision centers. So shutting down your vision prevents that very specialized cocktail of an adrenaline dump from ever happening, making it all the easier for them to force your arms behind you and loop the flat plastic cords on your wrists. I enjoyed the dry, professorial way this narrator tells of what would have been a horrific experience. This lets us know that he/she has survived it and puts into his/her “surviving it” experience rather than the kidnap experience. For me, the question of whether or not the victim gets away has been raised, and I’m curious. Added paragraph break.

Of course, an entirely different adrenaline dump happens instead --one of fear and helplessness, one that sets your heart pounding so hard you (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Valerie —would you turn the first page?

In need of pantser help

Writer’s Digest Books has asked for a proposal on my how-to book for pantser novelists. Woot!

Which leads me to ask for your help, both published and unpublished pantsers.

1. Published authors

a. Would you email me if you’ll be willing to contribute to the book? Being included would give you name mention, title mention, and show off your writing. A contribution could be a few hundred words to an entire chapter about what you do as a pantser to help you wrestle with writing a novel—it all depends on you.

b. Would you be willing to contribute something right away that I can use in the book proposal? I’ll be asking for content ideas below, and the responses might spark something in you.

2. Unpublished writers

a. Would you email me if you’d be willing to contribute to the book with solutions you’ve developed to manage the pantser approach to novel writing? If included, you’ll get a name mention and get to show off your writing.

3. All pantsers

I could really use your ideas and thoughts on content for this book. For example, I can write something on how to keep track of characters and action, characterization, pros and cons of pantsing, and other things—but what would you like to hear from published pantser authors on successful techniques for pantser writing?

Please include in the comments things you’d like help with, questions you’d like answered.

Published pantsers, would you please include in the comments the areas/subjects that you could write about?

Would you be able to contribute thoughts on the pros and cons of pantsing within the next couple of weeks that I could include in my proposal?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Valerie has sent the first chapter of Demon Touched .

Mara looked up at the sound of hoof beats. Horses—as many as ten by the sound—pounding recklessly fast up the wooded slope toward her cabin door. Outside the single window, moonlight filtered through the trees in a murky silvered glow.

Taking her cloak from its hook, Mara swung it around her shoulders and flipped the hood up to shroud her scarred face. With quick fingers, she combed her long hair forward for good measure. She could hear the jangle of metal over the drumming of hooves, which could only mean one thing: soldiers.

Adrenaline tingled through her. Every time someone came to her door, the old, familiar fear of discovery twisted in her stomach like a shirt wrung in a washer-woman’s knobby hands.

The riders pulled up out front. Horses stamped and blew, and strident voices filled the night. Someone pounded on the door with a mailed fist.

Bracing herself, Mara crossed the short distance to the door and pulled it open.

“Woman, are you the sorceress of Tollan Wood?” the soldier standing there demanded. Blood trickled down the side of his face from a gash near his hairline. He stank of sweat and gore, and his shirt was torn.

Mara forced her hand to unclench from the door handle. These men were here for the woman she was now, not the child she had once been.

Yes, indeed.

Good voice, good writing, good story questions, good characterization, good tension—this was an easy call for me. There were a couple of spots where the writing could have been a little crisper, though. Good job, Valerie. Notes:

Mara looked up at the sound of hoof beats. Horses—as many as ten by the sound—pounding recklessly fast up the wooded slope toward her cabin door. Outside the single window, moonlight filtered through the trees in a murky silvered glow. I would like to point out that Valerie has used an adverb in the “good” way—rather than modifying a verb, she uses it to add nuance to an adjective. Recklessly fast is a different thing than simply fast. Nice description of the moonlight.

Taking her cloak from its hook, Mara took her cloak from its hook, swung it around her shoulders, and flipped the hood up to shroud her scarred face. With quick fingers, she combed her long hair forward for good measure. She could hear the jangle of m Metal jangled over the drumming of hooves, which could only mean one thing: soldiers. Two thought starters here: getting rid of the gerund phrase at the opening seems to me to give a more direct picture of the action. You don’t need to tell us that she hears because we’re in her point of view and will naturally assume that she has heard it since it is included in her experience. Note that later you didn’t feel the need to tell us that she heard the horses stamp and blow.

Adrenaline tingled through her. Every time someone came to her door, the old, familiar fear of discovery twisted in her stomach like a shirt wrung in a washer-woman’s knobby hands. Good characterization that adds to the tension.

The riders pulled up out front. Horses stamped and blew, and strident voices filled the night. Someone pounded on the door with a mailed fist.

Bracing herself, Mara crossed the short distance to the door and pulled it open. A touch of overwriting, I think. We don’t need to know that the distance to the door was short, and it really has no bearing. I suggest shortening this to, simply, Bracing herself, Mara pulled the door open.

“Woman, are you the sorceress of Tollan Wood?” the soldier standing there demanded. Blood trickled down the side of his face from a gash near his hairline. He stank of sweat and gore, and his shirt was torn. For me, the part about “the soldier standing there” felt clunky. You could perhaps tighten it up a bit with a combination to start the paragraph. Thought-starter: Blood trickled from a gash near the hairline of the soldier standing there. “Woman, are you the sorceress of Tollan Wood?” In this case, the use of “demanded” isn’t necessary.

Mara forced her hand to unclench from the door handle. These men were here for the woman she was now, not the child she had once been.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

CALLING ALL PANTSERS!!

I need your help!

Writer’s Digest Books likes my idea of a how-to book for pantser novelists, and they have asked for a book proposal. Woot!

Which leads me to ask for your help, both published and unpublished pantsers.

1. Published authors

a. Would you email me if you’ll be willing to contribute to the book? Being included would give you name mention, title mention, and show off your writing. A contribution could be a few hundred words to an entire chapter about what you do as a pantser to help you wrestle with writing a novel—it all depends on you.

b. Would you be willing to contribute something right away that I can use in the book proposal? I’ll be asking for content ideas below, and the responses might spark something in you.

2. Unpublished writers

a. Would you email me if you’d be willing to contribute to the book with solutions you’ve developed to manage the pantser approach to novel writing? If included, you’ll get a name mention and get to show off your writing.

3. All pantsers

I could really use your ideas and thoughts on content for this book. For example, I can write something on

• how to keep track of characters and action,
• characterization,
• pros and cons of pantsing

and other things—but what would you like to hear from published pantser authors on successful techniques for pantser writing?

Please include in the comments things you’d like help with, questions you’d like answered.

Published pantsers, would you please include in the comments the areas/subjects that you could write about?

Would you be able to contribute thoughts on the pros and cons of pantsing within the next couple of weeks that I could include in my proposal?

Many thanks. This could be an exciting project—if I get the contract with Writer’s Digest Books, I’ll also be contacting agents and editors for their view on working with pantsers.

Also, please tweet this request and otherwise pass it on to other writers/authors.

Many thanks for all your help.

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tyler—would you turn the first page?

---

Have you responded to my poll in the last post about a how-to book for pantser novelists? If not, please scroll down and give it a look. Thanks.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Tyler has sent the prologue and first chapter of Dark Calling.

Miss Lavignia Jackson from Duluth, Minnesota, did not need a bodyguard. She needed a male prostitute. And since Gareth Black wasn’t willing to provide that particular service, he firmly removed the lady in question’s hand from his ass and guided it back to the craps table, hiding his disgust under a carefully blank face. He was supposed to be nice to customers—especially the ladies. “I believe it’s your roll, ma’am,” he said.

“So it is.” She gave a pouty little sniff and picked up the dice, cupped them in a palm and held it toward him. “How about a lucky blow, then, Mr. Black?”

“You don’t want his kind of luck.” Someone pushed roughly past Gareth, and he bristled before he recognized Vann—one of the roller rats, all white teeth and tan and lean muscle. He relaxed a fraction, and Vann dropped him a wink before taking Miss Jackson’s hand and flashing a hundred-watt grin. “Me, now, I’m very lucky.”

The lady shot Gareth a disappointed look, but she shrugged and returned Vann’s smile. “All right. Blow me, baby.”

“With pleasure.”

Gareth fell back and let Vann do his thing. It was easier for him to watch from the crowd, anyway—not that the guests in this place actually needed protection. The Arabian Sands was a second-rate off-the-Strip casino, too lean for the posh swindlers to bother with, but not low-class (snip)

I had to say no

Despite what is clearly professional-caliber writing, I wasn’t compelled to turn the page. For one thing, the tension set up in the initial encounter is totally relieved in the last paragraph when Gareth “fell back.” No story questions remain, even though this is an interesting character and a likeable voice telling the story.

In reading through the rest of the chapter, I found what I would call very well done throat-clearing. There is an encounter with a low level of violence that gives the reader a chance to know how tough and competent Gareth is, but no hint of a story appears until the very last two pages of a 12-page chapter. Terrific exposition and establishment of character, but no real story.

I urge you to do all the characterization work while something happens that puts Gareth into some kind of jeopardy or causes something that he has to deal with or suffer consequences. Other than a couple of adverbs trying to describe, the writing is, as I said, professional.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Survey: how about a how-to book for pantser novelists?

A while back I contacted F+W Media, the publisher of Writer’s Digest Books, about the possibility of publishing a revised edition of my book on writing, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. That outreach has developed into a new opportunity, but first here are snippets of the experience.

I corresponded with a “Content Strategy Manager” about a new edition of FtQ, and, before going further, she asked a bunch of questions that relate to my “platform.” How many page hits and unique visitors does the blog get? What kind of sales results have I gotten with my books other than FtQ? She knew about, for example, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. Apparently the number of copies smart writers have purchased of FtQ was enough to be of interest to F+W.

I responded with stats that included my other website and my monthly exposure on Writer Unboxed, as well as what sales I could dredge up for my kitty-cat. She took all the info to the publisher with the new edition idea, but he responded that he’d rather see something new.

So I’m scheduled to talk with her this coming Wednesday about ideas for a book on writing novels. Naturally, the mere existence of such an opportunity kicked my imagination into high gear.

But first, I did some research. I went to the bookstore on the Writer’s Digest site and searched for “novel.” I got 380 results. Yeeks! Where is a fresh angle when so many have written so much on the subject for so many years?

But then came this thought: I’ve never seen a book of instruction or coaching for “pantsers,” one of which I am. Here’s a charming definition of pantsers that I found on the blog of strugglingwriter:

pant·ser [pant-ser]
–noun

1. One who writes a novel by the seat of their pants, without an outline, character sheets, or any semblance of planning.

2. Crazy person.

See also: intelligent, witty, and downright sexy.

I’ve seen hordes of books on how to write a novel that talk about plotting, and character development, and this process of doing it in a month or that process of doing it on weekends or another process that calls for planning and organization.

None of which does we pantsers any good. And can cause extreme frustration.

Yet I’m sure that there are techniques pantsers evolve to accomplish the massive task of creating a novel manuscript. For example, on my first novel I had 5 point-of-view characters and other significant players. Not too far into the novel I realized that I needed to know what I’d done so I could provide the right balance of character appearances. And, I thought, it would help to have a quick summary of what had previously happened. Keep in mind that, like many pantsers, I knew only the beginning and end of this story and was discovering what happened as I wrote.

So I evolved a chart that tracked all POV characters, when they appeared, and what happened in that chapter. It included what other characters also appeared in that chapter. I wanted to make sure that the two primary protagonists shared the stage. Also, because I wanted to make sure that something happened (action) frequently, I made a special color-coded note for that, too. It helped a lot.

So it strikes me that other pantsers have evolved techniques to deal with plot, action, characterization, and the many things that must be mastered to deliver a professional story. So why not a book about those techniques?

Calling all pansters and other novel writer types.

Please give me answers in the survey below, and please feel free to add comments and ideas.

It’s a long one, and you can make multiple responses. Happy opinionating, and thanks!

Oops, a typo crept into the poll but I can't change it or I'll lose the responses so far. Guess I needed some outside eyes.

Thanks again!

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Larry—would you turn the first page?

On ”Outside Eyes” and questions for Monday

I’ve my monthly post up on Writer Unboxed about the need for “outside eyes.” Secondly, if you have any questions on writing, editing, or self-publishing, Monday is the day I’ve set aside for Q&A, so email me or put questions in the comments.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Larry has sent the prologue and first chapter of Ann’s Song. The prologue:

“Dad, Dad wake up”

It was my son Greg. Who was calling me.

“They want to see you downstairs.” he said.

Oh God, I thought.

Downstairs, our family room had been converted into an intensive care unit. For my wife whose cancer was growing after years of struggle. The hospice nurse came out, and said, “Doctor your wife has passed. She was a strong woman. She fought for a long time.”

I said, “Her suffering from cancer is finally over.” I was relieved that her suffering was over. At the same time I was numb to the grief of her lost. Only in the days to come would I realize she was dead and feel the pain. The feeling of lost would grow.

It had been a five year long battle with Giant B cell lymphoma. The first course of chemotherapy was given every three weeks. She lost her hair and all her strength. Just when she gained it back it would be time for another course. Ann endured and even recovered after a long battle. There was no trace of the Giant B cell lymphoma doctors said she would be cured if it did not return in the next five years. We rejoiced.

From the first chapter:

I might have some luck at Cousin Sal’s singles club, I thought some forty years ago returning from a ski trip. Warming in my ski outfit, I entered and heard above the din of cocktail fueled conversation John Denver’s Annie’s Song:

You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Let me love you
Let me give my life to you

I first saw Ann carrying a Gucci pocketbook and feeding an infant. She made cooing sounds to the baby. A girl with a wedding ring must have been the mother for she took back the infant...

“Cousin Gary, how are you doing?” It was my cousin Sal. He combed his mustache and ran his fingers over his prematurely bald head. He took the mustache comb and tossed the few hairs he had to the side. He was willing the hair of his mustache on his scalp. He then ran a lint roller over his attire.

“Cousin Gary tell me how are you doing? How is the divorce going?” He showed genuine concern for me and my current situation.

I clenched my fists, and blurted out,” She and her lawyer, boyfriend, are trying to keep (snip)

Nope

For me, these openings didn’t make the cut for a couple of reasons. The first reason is one that will cause many agents and editors to stop reading: the lack of an ear for grammar and punctuation. There are folks who can’t distinguish between musical notes. There’s no shame to being tone deaf, it’s just a condition. I think this writer is tone deaf to punctuation and the nuances of making printed narrative flow and make sense. There’s no shame to this, either—some terrific storytellers can’t spell worth a darn—but it will always be a limiting factor. Before sending your work out, hire a copyeditor.

The second reason is one FtQ readers have heard from me before: lack of tension. The prologue (prologues need to be as compelling as any other scene in a novel) starts with a tragedy and then immediately slips into backstory and exposition. Chapter 1 starts out immediately with backstory from 40 years ago. In my view, readers are interested in how a character deals with what’s happening in the now of the story, and deals with problems. There are no real problems presented in either the prologue or chapter. What consequences from his wife’s death will cause problems for this man? That’s what the prologue needs to get to on the first page, if possible.

Work on your grasp of English. You might want to spend some time absorbing The Elements of Style by Strunk & White, to begin with.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joseph—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Joseph has sent the first chapter of Enoch's Device

On the darkest day of November 997, just a week past Samhain when the spirits roam free from the Otherworld, a black-robed bishop came to Derry.

He arrived before Sext, the holy hour that marked Adam’s sin and Christ’s crucifixion. Storm clouds heralded his arrival, broad and black with rain, as if God saw fit to blot out the sun before the bishop's ship moored at Derry’s ramshackled pier on the banks of the river Foyle. The ship was not an Irish vessel, like the wood framed currachs with ox-hide stretched over their hulls, but rather a timber-hulled cog with a long stempost, single mast and square-rigged sail. It was the type of ship that carried two-dozen men. And with the exception of the bishop and three black-clad priests, all of these men were soldiers.

The monks of the small monastery built near an ancient oak grove atop Derry’s hill looked on from the riverbank, alerted to the ship’s arrival by a bell from Derry’s round tower. They gathered where the clover and grass met the muddy bank, beneath a copse of broad sycamore trees, thick with yellow leaves, as a breeze hissed across the river with the chill of a winter morn. The nearly one hundred monks wore habits and cowls made of un-dyed wool that preserved the natural gray of fleece. They ranged in age from seniors past their fortieth winter to oblates, children pledged to the monastery to live their entire life in service of the Lord. Brother Ciarán, a twenty-year-old monk who had come from the scriptorium with fingertips still covered (snip)

 

I stalled out

The writing is sound, and the historical time interesting. The description was effective and paints the scene. The quick description of Brother Ciarán was nicely done in that it gave his character dimension right away.

It wasn’t the typo (ramshackled instead of ramshackle) that deterred me. Oh, there’s a hint of tension in that there are soldiers, but Brother Ciarán doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem. It’s just that not much is happening.

I read on, of course, and found lots and lots of exposition that lays out this world. Finally, on page 4, I found some narrative that got me interested enough to turn the page.

Below, I’ve adapted Joseph’s narrative from that late spot, adding in a little from the opening page. In an edit, I would have done the same thing to encourage the start of the story here, and then helped Joseph weave in the expository material as the story developed. Contrast the following 17 lines with the first 17 lines above.

Remember, these are Joseph's words, not mine. And the adaptation is not perfect--given more time, I'd help the author look for a way to make this more about Brother Ciarán from the start. What do you think?

On the darkest day of November 997, Brother Ciarán gathered with his fellow monks to watch a black-robed bishop emerge from the ship moored at Derry’s ramshackle pier on the banks of the river Foyle. The bishop regarded the hundred monks of Derry with dark eyes that held an almost feral gleam above a sharp nose and a mustache and beard flecked with gray. He strode down the pier as swordsmen disembarked the ship with mastiffs. The breeze died. The chatter quieted. The bishop addressed them in Latin with a commanding voice. “Who is abbot here?”

Dub-dá-leithe stepped forward, his hands clasped over the tip of a waist-length beard as white as limestone. In his eighty-second year, he may have been the oldest man in all of Ireland. “I am abbot, and peace be with you. But who might you be?”

“I am Adémar, the Bishop of Blois,” the man answered. “I’ve come here on behalf of the archbishops of Paris and Rheims, and through them, on the authority of our Holy Father, Pope Gregory, in Rome. I have twenty-three men and six dogs who will need food and shelter. I pray that the hospitality of your monastery is as good as rumored.”

Abba nodded. “We can house your men. But why have you been sent here?”

The bishop surveyed the monks. “I have come in the eleventh hour to warn you that both your lives and souls are in danger. I have evidence that in this monastery the devil works his ways. For a sorcerer walks among you.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Carol—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Carol has sent the first chapter of Pink Ice, a YA novel.

I jumped out of the still moving car in the school parking lot. I got ready to run towards the building until I saw Mom make a move for her pocket book. I braked on my heels. I had to stop her before she could get out, and fast. It was my first day of middle school and I didn’t want anyone from class to see me lingering in the parking lot saying bye to my mommy.

“You can stay here,” I said.

Mom blinked, her face frozen in a smile. “It’s your first day. What if you get lost?”

“It’s the same school. Just a different building.”

“I always walk with you to class on the first day.”

“Yeah, you were the only mom that did that last year.”

I swung my book bag over my shoulder. When I looked back at Mom, her eyes were soft.

“I guess you don’t need your old mother’s help anymore,” she said. “You’re growing up, Lydia.”

I wanted to walk over and give her a hug through the driver’s side window, but I didn’t know who could be watching. Instead, I mumbled goodbye and slammed the car door closed. I felt bad for making Mom sad, but that was all I needed, to be the only one in the seventh grade with their mommy walking them to class. It was already going to be all I could do to keep from looking like a loser without Connie, my best and only friend who moved to Missouri at the end (snip)

Nope

First things first—Carol, when you pitch this to agents, the category is Middle Grade, not YA. YA novels have protagonists who are in high school. Your writing is good and clear, and has a likeable voice. But, for me and I would suspect even your target audience, there was little tension here to compel me to turn the page.

This first chapter is all about the character’s first day in middle school, but it’s in a school where she already knows most everyone. There’s plenty of inner anxiety, but I never knew what the story is about, unless it’s all about this girl making friends with the new girl and the cool girls. Seems to me there needs to be more than that. Something that happens other than going to school, going to lunch, etc. While the day you describe sounds realistic, wouldn’t this be so familiar to your audience that they’ll want something unfamiliar to happen to this girl? My suggestion: find the place where something happens to this girl that throws everything out of balance, into meaningful jeopardy of some kind. Then start there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Gregg—would you turn the first page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

---

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

---

Gregg has sent the first chapter of Virtual Genesis, science fiction.

SmackJack surveyed the smoldering wreckage, watching for a hint of movement. The commando was there, crouching behind the hulk of a burned-out troop truck. Like an infection waiting around an open wound, SmackJack observed. Waiting for weakness and opportunity.

“The other commandos are only a minute behind you!” Slash warned over the headset. “But you still have time to take that one out. Do it now!”

“Right.” SmackJack continued to scan the area, expecting the commando to pop up at any time, plasma rifle spitting bolts of blue energy. No movement, though, not even a quick reconnoitering look. SmackJack looked backwards. The commandos moving up behind him were not visible yet. He checked his weapons charge, still thirty-two percent. Only one hundred feet to the truck. He picked out a path through the twisted and melted shards of metal between him and the commando’s hiding spot. Now or never. He took a deep breath. This was the essence of combat. Get as close as possible, then charge across the remaining space. Charge while hoping to catch the enemy by surprise, hoping to not be hit, adrenalin screaming through constricted veins, throat too tight to yell.

Sprinting forward, dodging and weaving, he expected plasma bolts to flash out. Halfway there and nothing. Had the commando slipped away? SmackJack veered right, then ran straight for the truck, trying to get behind shelter as quickly as possible. As soon as he stopped zig- (snip)

Give me more!

A strong action opening, for sure. We get a sense of the protagonist’s intelligence and courage. The “world” is introduced with one efficient brush stroke that flows along with the action. Respecting the author’s voice, I would make few edits here. The one thing I would suggest is to say “SmackJack looked back.” instead of “backwards.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2011 Ray Rhamey

Questions for you about The Summer Boy

Since no one sent questions for a Monday FtQ&A post, I want to ask for your thoughts on the “enticement” package for my next novel-- the cover, back cover blurb, first page, and sample chapters. There’s a big fat poll at the bottom, and comments are most welcome. Thanks.

---

The back cover:

It’s 1958, a time of innocence Jesse is a terminally shy teen when he and his best friend score jobs as summer hands on a ranch in Texas hill country.

Lola, the boss’s daughter, is a firecracker of a girl. Jesse’s attraction is instant, but, he’s sure, doomed. Then, on his second day on the job, a ranch hand is murdered with brutal violence.

There’s a dark secret in Lola’s life that she aches to leave behind. And she needs all her courage when the man Jesse suspects is the murderer attacks.

In this coming-of-age story laced with love and murder, Jesse and Lola struggle with death and passion in ways that transform him into a young man and launch her toward womanhood.

What readers say:

“The Summer Boy brought back memories of first kisses and fogged car windows.”

“The story is alive. I kept reading even when my eyes were closing at night.”

“Wow….the tension never ended and it seemed to come from all directions. I spent the day reading as I couldn't stop.”

Now for the first page of narrative from the book.

The air was as still as it was hot—only the whir of a grasshopper’s flight troubled the quiet. Jesse felt like an overcooked chicken, his meat darn near ready to fall off his bones. Mouth so dry he didn’t have enough spit left to swallow, Jesse croaked, “That guy tryin’ to kill us?”

Dudley’s answer took a while coming. From where he slumped against the other side of the tree trunk, he said, “I’m beginning to wonder.”

The live oak’s skimpy shade was as good as it got there in the south yearling pasture—wherever the hell that was on the Box 8’s ten thousand acres of ranchland. A half-dozen red-brown Hereford yearlings, broad white blazes down the centers of their empty faces, grazed on parched yellow grass. Jesse had tried a friendly moo, but they paid him no mind.

Jesse said, “Doesn’t seem like a foreman should be leavin’ people stuck out here with no water.”

“Maybe Buddy ol’ buddy doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s not much older than us.”

“Oh, he knows. You hear him laugh when he drove away?”

Dudley chuckled. “You mean right after he said, ‘You ain’t bothered by snakes, are you?’”

“Yep.” Jesse tossed a stone at a prickly pear cactus the size of a laundry basket. A dry rustle started up, whispered (snip)

Lastly, click here to download the first two Summer Boy chapters.

Now I know this story isn’t for everyone, so you can’t hurt my feelings. But I will tell you that I was surprised at the strength of the response from beta readers, all women. You can check multiple items in the poll.

As always, your thoughts about any aspect of this “enticement package” are welcome.

Many thanks.

Ray

Tweet

© 2011 Ray Rhamey