The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Ken has sent the first chapter of a YA novel, Lucinda and the Witch Lord .
A red moon suspended over the fields of swaying wheat. There would be death on this night.
Lucinda woke from a fitful sleep. Her eyes flew open and she gazed around her room, bathed in stone grey light. Fear gripped her.
The sound.
A quiet stirring of air as if something floated up the stairwell. She held her breath. The thumping of her beating heart filled her head. Sweat trickled down her temples. Her younger brother Oliver stirred in the next bed. He slept on his side, curled into a fetal position, the way he had all his life. She wanted to wake him.
She wanted to scream.
The sound came again, louder this time, above her heartbeat and the choking breaths that escaped from her lungs. Someone or something was inside their house. Lucinda pulled her covers up over her head. Cocooned beneath the blanket and sheets, she felt a temporary sense of security, the way a child feels while holding its mother’s hand. But she was no child. In two weeks, Lucinda would celebrate her seventeenth birthday. That was the plan.
Now this.
A different noise came to her ears. Low and elongated, like air escaping from a valve.
I turned the page
Good writing, a gripping and suspenseful scenario that raises story questions. I think there are some craft considerations that need to be looked at, but a good opening. Notes:
A red moon suspended over the fields of swaying wheat. There would be death on this night. A couple of things. While I think “suspended” is technically correct, the sentence felt like a fragment to me, and the usage didn’t sit well with this reader. I think “hung” or a different verb would serve better. More than that, though, this is a line from the author/god and very distant from the story. While I understand its role as a mood setter and foreshadowing, I would consider leaving it off and just starting with the second paragraph. What do you think?
Lucinda woke from a fitful sleep. Her eyes flew open and she gazed around her room, bathed in stone-grey light. Fear gripped her. I think that moody line about the moon could fit in here. For example: ...bathed in stone-gray light. Outside the window, a red moon hung over fields of swaying wheat. Fear gripped her.
The sound.
A quiet stirring of air as if something floated up the stairwell. She held her breath. The thumping of her beating heart filled her head. Sweat trickled down her temples. Her younger brother Oliver stirred in the next bed. He slept on his side, curled into a fetal position, the way he had all his life. She wanted to wake him. While the phrase “Her younger brother Oliver” introduces necessary information, it’s a bit clunky. I think descriptions like these work better if broken up. For example: Oliver stirred in the next bed. Her younger brother slept on his side, curled into a fetal position, the way he had all his life. Good tension introduced in this paragraph.
She wanted to scream.
The sound came again, louder this time, above her heartbeat and the choking breaths that escaped from her lungs. Someone or something was inside their house. Lucinda pulled her covers up over her head. Cocooned beneath the blanket and sheets, she felt a temporary sense of security safe, the way a child feels while holding its mother’s hand. But she was no child. In two weeks, Lucinda would celebrate her seventeenth birthday. That was the plan. I felt that the choking breaths were not needed, and that the phrase “that escaped from her lungs” was overwriting—excessive detail that doesn’t advance the story. This is a tense scene. Keep sentences short and brisk to increase tension. You’ve already introduced the heartbeat, so that element works for the reader. I also think she would be more likely to be holding her breath in order to hide. I also thought “temporary sense of security” was a bit too abstract and suggest simplicity instead.
Now this.
A different noise came to her ears. Low and elongated, like air escaping from a valve. Sounds creepy—escalates the suspense.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey