The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Kenneth has sent the first chapter of The Tale of John Primus, Master Wizard in Exile .
Blood still dripped onto John's white robe from his broken nose as he squirmed in the hard wooden chair of the accused. His flesh was red beneath the silver necklace. His manacled hands reflexively went to his throat yet stopped a few inches short by the chain bound to the manacles around his ankles.
John's eyes roamed over the magistrate's staff of office as the nobility's creature entered the courtroom. The marks of both a nobleman and a University-trained wizard were engraved into the yellow wood. John sighed. He had hoped there were no wizards so thoroughly bought by the nobility to betray one of their own. John resigned himself to the thin, vain hope that he could escape his cell after the trial but before his execution.
The magistrate took his cushioned seat on the obsidian dais and slammed his staff into the floor, a miniature thunderclap was the floor's reply. The magistrate said evenly, “John Alexander Primus, Magister of Necromancy...”
The handpicked gallery of nobility booed. The nobility was the only class of people who would waste time on this farce of a trial.
The magistrate banged his staff a second time, the same miniature thunderclap silenced the gallery. The magistrate continued, “You stand accused of the most heinous crime of rape. Your plea of not guilty was registered at the time of your arrest. My advice to you, young man, is to admit your guilt and throw yourself at the mercy of the court. The woman's screams for you to stop were heard by witnesses (snip)
Yes, but . . .
The story questions—is he guilty, what will happen—got me to turn the page, but I had craft and clarity issues that, if they continue, will stop the page turning. The writing is good, but needs to be edited to be crisper and less repetitive. See if you had the same clarity issues that bothered me. Notes:
Blood still dripped onto John's white robe from his broken nose as he squirmed in the hard wooden chair of the accused. His flesh was red beneath the silver necklace. His manacled hands reflexively went to his throat yet stopped a few inches short by the chain bound to the manacles around his ankles. The second sentence, the one about his red flesh, seems to be about nothing much, and evokes a ho-hum, a “so what?” The writer has missed an opportunity here to be both clear and add to characterization. It turns out that John is a wizard and the silver necklace in some way inhibits his use of his powers, and burns his flesh if he tries. That really needs to be here. For example, a quick and clumsy way to do it: His neck was red and sore beneath the silver necklace that burned whenever he tried to cast a spell. The sentence about his manacled hands is passive. Have him do the action, not his hands—they’re not in charge. For example: He reached to shift the necklace and ease the pain, but was stopped short by the manacles linked to the chains around his ankles. Try to avoid using “manacles” twice.”
John's eyes roamed over the magistrate's staff of office as the nobility's creature entered the courtroom. The marks of both a nobleman and a University-trained wizard were engraved into the yellow wood. John sighed. He had hoped there were no wizards so thoroughly bought by the nobility to betray one of their own. John resigned himself to the thin, vain hope that he could escape his cell after the trial but before his execution. I have a pet peeve about the usage that has eyes leaving someone’s face and roaming around. And, again, this is passive. Why not keep it simple, i.e. John scanned . . .etc. The reference to the magistrate’s “staff of office” was a clarity issue for me. The first time I read it I thought that “staff” referred to people who worked in the magistrate’s office, and not a wooden staff. This needs to be more clear. If I had known by now that John was a wizard, I might have understood staff to mean what was intended, maybe not. It could be helped like this: John scanned the carvings on the magistrate’s staff of office as the nobility’s creature entered the courtroom.
The magistrate took his cushioned seat on the obsidian dais and slammed his staff into the floor,--a miniature thunderclap was the floor's reply. The magistrate said evenly, “John Alexander Primus, Magister of Necromancy...” Here’s a chance to revise more passivity by the floor. How about: . . .slammed his staff onto the floor and it replied with a miniature thunderclap.
The handpicked gallery of nobility booed. The nobility was the only class of people who would waste time on this farce of a trial.
The magistrate banged his staff a second time, the same and another miniature thunderclap silenced the gallery. The magistrate continued, “You stand accused of the most heinous crime of rape. Your plea of not guilty was registered at the time of your arrest. My advice to you, young man, is to admit your guilt and throw yourself at the mercy of the court. The woman's screams for you to stop were heard by witnesses (snip) The mini-thunderclap was not the same one. I cut a second repetitive and unneeded use of “the magistrate” dialogue tag. Instead of repeating “miniature thunderclap,” I’d shorten it—perhaps “and more thunder silenced … etc.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey