CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS I’ll run out of chapter/prologue openings to flog next week, and I really enjoy doing this for writers.
So, if you’ve an opening to put before fresh eyes to see what they see, please check out the submission directions below and submit your work. As far as I know, writers find the results invaluable. Today’s flogging is an example of what can happen.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Gavin has sent a rewrite of his first chapter of Lifeweaver. The earlier version is here.
"Don't let any humans see you. If one does, kill it."
Every time I left home, my father gave me this sound advice. Yet for my people to survive, I need help from one of the vicious creatures. Not just any human either, but one mankind reveres.
They call him the lifeweaver.
-Ratek Ratkin, ten days before Reckoning
Talyn had to admit, the king showed impeccable timing in getting killed tonight.
Dinner with the Dorwins had been exhausting. Talyn’s mother set up the event so he could meet their young, attractive daughter – a naïve girl whose method of courting him involved such inane questions as ‘What is it like being the lifeweaver?’ and ‘What is the worst injury you’ve ever seen?’ He kept his answers terse, partly because describing seeping entrails is not considered polite dinner conversation.
Thank Siela for that messenger. Talyn could think of no better excuse to leave a dinner than, ‘I'm sorry, the king has been assassinated and I must bring him back to life.’
But now, as he stepped into the palace dining hall, a disturbing truth quelled his relief: if someone wanted the king dead – permanently – they would have to kill Talyn too. And they would have to do it within the next few minutes.
Wow! Yes.
I very much wanted to read more with this opening. There are plenty of story questions raised, and conflict has been promised within the next few minutes. There’s a likeable character, and I liked the voice. Kudos to Gavin for digging in and rethinking how it could be rather than sticking with how it was. Brief notes:
"Don't let any humans see you. If one does, kill it."
Every time I left home, my father gave me this sound advice. Yet for my people to survive, I need help from one of the vicious creatures. Not just any human either, but one mankind reveres.
They call him the lifeweaver.
-Ratek Ratkin, ten days before Reckoning
Talyn had to admit, the king showed impeccable timing in getting killed tonight.
Dinner with the Dorwins had been exhausting. Talyn’s mother had set up the event so he could meet their young, attractive daughter–a naïve girl whose method of courting him involved such inane questions as ‘What is it like being the lifeweaver?’ and ‘What is the worst injury you’ve ever seen?’ He kept his answers terse, partly because describing seeping entrails is not considered polite dinner conversation. I like the sense of humor and insight into the character this little bit gives.
Thank Siela for that messenger. Talyn could think of no better excuse to leave a dinner than, ‘I'm sorry, the king has been assassinated and I must bring him back to life.’ If it were me, I would avoid using an extra name (Siela) here. I assume it’s a goddess or something, but the reader doesn’t know who Siela is, and this just throws another element in to wrestle with. If it is a goddess, then what about something such as: “Thank the goddess for that messenger.”
But now, as he stepped into the palace dining hall, a disturbing truth quelled his relief: if someone wanted the king dead – permanently – they would have to kill Talyn too. And they would have to do it within the next few minutes. Potential lack of clarity here—he was at dinner, and now he’s stepping into a dining hall. Wasn’t he in one? Perhaps if you included something to clue the difference, such as this thoughtstarter: “…as he strode past the king’s guards and into the palace dining hall…
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey