The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Vaughn has sent a preface and an opening chapter for The Cull. The preface:
The sergeant put down his book reader, looked up, and grinned as the young man darted inside his recruitment center and slammed the door behind him. He had seen this scenario before, and he would see it again.
“I… I’d like to sign up,” the young man gasped out.
“Very good, sir,” the sergeant said. (He didn’t have to say ‘sir’ to someone who wasn’t even recruited, but over the years, he had found that it helped set people at ease, and prevent them (which was his main job) from walking back out. “I will lock the door while we complete our business. Standard procedure, you understand. Come right over here and put your hand on the scanner, please.”
The young man, with one last nervous look over his shoulder, came over and put his right hand on the flat, glowing, plate in front of the sergeant. “Very good sir,” the sergeant said, “now look into the camera here and repeat after me, ‘I… then say your name sir… do hereby freely and without reservation join the Colonization force.’”
When the young man had said this, the sergeant smiled and said, “A couple of questions, and then we can get on to the physical. Do you have a partner, sir?”
“No, not married.”
Now for something from the first chapter. I’ve taken the liberty of cutting out two paragraphs (the third and fourth) to give this the best shot.
We were putting on 'Much ado about nothing' in play class, and I was Beatrice, a part which pleased me greatly. We had reached the scene where I got to listen through a hedge to listen to my cousin and the others when, in the silence, a voice from the window said, "The Cull!"
The Cull?! I thought to myself, But it is Wednesday! Which was silly, as The Cull could come on any day. They usually came on Mondays, of course… for the standard cull. After the holding cells, any time our quota was not met they came here, to the finishing school. Mostly for girls, of course, as the holding cells held mostly boys… boys who had gotten into some minor trouble with the law, something short of the death penalty, and who could be held and sent.
Our door opened, startlingly loud in the silence. My heart pounded in the ear. The reader walked in, and the binder walked behind him, the wristband in his hand. “Aliya Brendon…” the man began, and I almost fainted. I knew the rest of his speech, “… you have been chosen, for the good of the nation, to serve as our representative in The Cull…” but I heard none of it. My eyes raced frantically around the room, hoping that some boy would claim me as his wife; but their eyes were all focused on the ground, at the teacher, at the reader… anywhere but at me.
And then I felt it. I heard a loud snap and I felt it; the wristband on my wrist. The bright yellow wristband that told everyone of my new state. I was a cull.
No and yes.
For me, there was just no tension in the opening of the preface. I should add that it doesn’t seem to relate to the chapter, either. With the cuts I made in the chapter opening, however, I was very interested in what was going to happen to the girl.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey