The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Carolyn’s opening chapter of Marvin’s Money starts thusly:
When the dogs started raising Cain out front Bess went straight to the front door and peeked through the lace curtains. Time was she would have just thrown the door wide open without looking. The dogs carrying on like that meant company, and used to be company was always welcome at River View. But times had changed, and now she always looked first. The young man standing on the front porch looked harmless enough. He was dressed in ragged jeans and a tee shirt, his thin face showing his fear as he glanced back over his shoulder at the hounds. He was about 16, barely driving age, Bess thought. She figured he most likely turned off on the wrong road and got lost.
She opened the door and ordered the dogs into silence. The boy stepped inside, slipping past Bess without so much as an ‘excuse me’. Then he pulled the screen door closed, leaving the dogs outside whining in frustration.
“They don’t bite,” Bess assured him, “they’re all bark”
The young man thrust his hand into the pockets of his worn jeans, jingling change with his fingers as he stepped further into the room.
“Are you here by yourself, Ma’am?” Bess didn’t like that question, the hairs on the back of her neck started to prickle with unease.
I turned the page
Like Bess, there was that prickle of danger ahead caused by this guy’s behavior. You know me, though—I think it could be tighter. Notes:
When the dogs started raising Cain out front Bess went straight to the front door and peeked through the lace curtains. The dogs carrying on like that meant company, and used to be company was always welcome at River View. Time was she would have just thrown the door wide open without looking, but . But times had changed, and now she always looked first. The young man standing on the front porch seemed looked harmless enough. He was dressed in ragged jeans and a tee shirt, his thin face showing his fear as he glanced back over his shoulder at the hounds. He was about sixteen 16, barely driving age, Bess thought. She figured he most likely turned off on the wrong road and got lost. I moved that sentence to make the information proceed more logically. And then tightened the result—the phrase “time was” lets us know that things are different now. I changed the second "looked" to avoid the echo.
She opened the door and ordered the dogs into silence. The boy opened the screen door and stepped inside, slipping past Bess without so much as an ‘excuse me’. Then he pulled it the screen door closed, leaving the dogs outside whining in frustration. Clarity issues here. She opened the door, but not the screen door. I felt that needed to be shown. And for him to do that without being invited increases the tension because this is not normal behavior.
“They don’t bite,” Bess assured him, “they’re all bark”
The young man thrust his hand into the pockets of his worn jeans, jingling change with his fingers as he stepped further into the room. “Are you here by yourself, Ma’am?”
Bess didn’t like that question, tThe hairs on the back of her neck started to prickled with unease. The first sentence is "telling," and the next sentence shows us that. Using ”started to” is one of those hesitations that isn’t necessary. Let’s go ahead and get those hairs prickling. I also thought that the reader will understand how she feels in this circumstance, so "with unease" was an explanation we don't need.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey