The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Scott has sent the opening of A Cold Soldier.
The snow muffled the sound of their methodical progress through the dense forest of beech and oak. In some places the snow was as deep as their paratrooper boots and getting deeper by the hour.
The twilight reflected just enough off the snow and trees to make every man continually move his finger from the stock of his weapon to the trigger and back as they deciphered shadow from soldier.
Bill could barely to see squad leader Sgt. John Ballard as he led them through the forest his Thompson machine gun at the ready. Sgt. Ballard was just twenty feet ahead of him, but the shadows and snow played tricks on his eyes. He could only hope the other ten men of First Squad, Charlie Company could see the man closest to themselves. It was the only way the sergeant’s hand signals could be relayed through the squad.
William “Bill” Bowden was painfully aware of three things during this patrol. First, his fingers and toes throbbed with pain only the cold can cause. Second, every breath burned as the frigid December air battled with the warm air in his lungs, and finally the incessant sound of Bing Crosby’s “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” played over and over in his mind. He desperately wanted to switch his internal radio station. Usually he whistled a new tune to replace an (snip)
That speed bump stopped me
I’m referring to the shift of the narrative from the action of a squad on patrol to a struggle with what music to listen to inside the character’s head. The listing in the last paragraph didn’t help, either—I don’t think a person’s thought processes in this situation would have gone there; this is the author intruding.
Even while there is a natural tension to a military patrol, there wasn’t enough to get me to turn the page. With a little pruning, Scott could have had a paragraph on the first page that would have gotten me to turn. It was this:
Sgt. Ballard brought up his left fist and dropped to his haunches next to a tree. Bill imitated the gesture, and it repeated back through the squad like a well-armed and olive drab chorus line. A rush of adrenaline hit. Note: ”imitated the gesture” didn’t feel right to me—wouldn’t something such as “repeated the signal” communicate a little better?
Some notes:
The snow muffled the sound of their methodical progress through the dense forest of beech and oak. In some places tThe snow was as deep as their paratrooper boots and getting deeper by the hour.
The twilight reflected just enough off the snow and trees to make every man continually move his finger from the stock of his weapon to the trigger and back as they deciphered shadow from soldier.
Bill could barely to see squad leader Sgt. John Ballard as he led them through the forest his Thompson machine gun at the ready. Sgt. Ballard The sergeant was just twenty feet ahead of him, but the shadows and snow played tricks on his eyes. He could only hope the other ten men of First Squad, Charlie Company could see the closest man closest to themselves. It was the only way the sergeant’s hand signals could be relayed through the squad. ”played tricks on his eyes” is “telling.” Show this. In fact, the previous paragraph did show this problem, so I’m not sure it needs to be repeated here. It’s not clear whether the squad is in a line or spread out. Bill is behind the sergeant, but I wasn’t sure about the others.
William “Bill” Bowden was painfully aware of three things during this patrol. First, Bill’s his fingers and toes throbbed with pain only the cold can cause, and. Second, every breath burned in as the frigid December air battled with the warm air in his lungs, and finally the incessant sound of Bing Crosby’s “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” played over and over in his mind. He desperately wanted to switch his internal radio station. Usually he whistled a new tune to replace an (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey