The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Bill has sent the opening of The Accidental Hobbyist .
Three minutes after Luke Matthews began speaking from the podium, the owner of the most spellbinding legs he’d ever seen barged down the left aisle of the Sheraton Atlanta’s Salon D and sashayed across the front row. As she squeezed into the centermost seat, her micro skirt rode up enough for Luke to glimpse girl parts he’d never before seen in public, and not all that often in private.
For the next forty minutes, whenever Luke’s gaze swept the front row, it locked on her thighs like a heat-seeking missile. Although preoccupied with presenting his slides and video clips, he nonetheless managed to tally the times she crossed and uncrossed her legs: six roundtrips, or seven, if you counted when she worked a slim ankle beneath the opposite butt cheek. Luke had come prepared for the hecklers that big pharmaceutical companies sometimes sent to his dog and pony shows, but not for this Sharon Stone impersonator. Whatever game she was playing, he wanted to find out badly enough to cut short both his talk and the ensuing question and answer session. He wrapped up ten minutes before four, not that it mattered to his audience of aging diabetics.
As soon as Luke switched off the microphone, Legs bounded out of her seat and stormed the dais. “Mr. Matthews, will you grant me an interview? Now? Please, please.” She only wanted an interview. Whew! If she’d asked for a contribution to her favorite charity, by now he’d be (snip)
Okay, I turned the page
I couldn’t resist continuing to find out the answer to the story question raised here—what will come of this encounter? It may be that me being of the male persuasion was a factor; I can see this not having much appeal to a female reader.
That said, I think it would be much stronger than if there were more than a potential hook-up in play. Is that all the story is about? After reading the rest of the chapter, there wasn’t a clear indication that there was more to it than skirt-chasing. They don’t get together, though some erotic stuff happens over a drink, but the chapter leaves Luke still focused on the girl, and no other story question is raised.
I think there needs to be clear that there are other stakes in this opening, and for sure in the chapter. If the only thing driving the story is sex, that’s not enough. Other than that, the writing is clean, though I think it could be tighter. Notes:
Three minutes after Luke Matthews began speaking from the podium, the owner of the most spellbinding legs he’d ever seen barged down the left aisle of the Sheraton Atlanta’s Salon D and sashayed across the front row. As she squeezed into the centermost seat, her micro skirt rode up enough for Luke to glimpse girl parts he’d never before seen in public, and not all that often in private.
For the next forty minutes, whenever Luke’s gaze swept the front row, it locked on her thighs like a heat-seeking missile. Although preoccupied with presenting his slides and video clips, he nonetheless managed to tally the times she crossed and uncrossed her legs: six roundtrips, or seven, if you counted when she worked a slim ankle beneath the opposite butt cheek. Luke had come prepared for the hecklers that big pharmaceutical companies sometimes sent to his dog-and-pony shows, but not for this Sharon Stone impersonator. Whatever game she was playing, he wanted to find out badly enough to cut short both his talk and the ensuing question-and-answer session. He wrapped up ten minutes before four, not that it mattered to his audience of aging diabetics. I started to cut this last line because the time he wraps up doesn’t seem important, but the fact that his audience is aging diabetics does seem relevant. But relevant to what? Missing is what he’s talking about, which happens to be a nutraceutical treatment that helps type II diabetics. I think this is important to the story, although wasn’t sure even after reading the chapter. On the minor side, the description of leg-crossing could have been left at just the crossing; this is personal, but for me the word “butt” is not attractive in a narrative. I think the reference to Sharon Stone is a cultural reference that will become meaningless down the road, and would probably not mean much to a younger audience now—I’d look for a way to delete it.
As soon as Luke switched off the microphone, Legs bounded out of her seat and stormed the dais. “Mr. Matthews, will you grant me an interview? Now? Please, please.” She only wanted an interview. Whew! If she’d asked for a contribution to her favorite charity, by now he’d be (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey