The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Tension
- Story questions
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene setting
- Character
Greg has sent the first chapter of Margaritifer Chaos.
Judge Werner Mathiason of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia rapped his gavel. “This matter comes before the Court on motion by Plaintiff, Margherita Concordia Grey, for Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injunction. Plaintiff names as Defendant, Off-World Mining LLC. The Court recognizes that Plaintiff is indeed of Martian birth and, in fact, the only known Martian. However, the Court also recognizes that Ms. Grey is a U.S. citizen, permanently residing in the United States without intent, or means, of returning to her home world. As such, the Court finds that Plaintiff, having failed to adequately demonstrate the likelihood of imminent injury, lacks standing in this matter.”
To the accompaniment of a collective gasp from the standing-room-only gallery, Ghita leaped from her seat, snarling, “Lacks standing?! How can I lack standing? I’m the only Martian. You just said so. I’m the only being on this planet that does have standing!”
“Ms. Grey, take your seat and be silent. I will not tolerate your interruptions again.”
“I will not be silent. This is wrong, it cannot be allowed. I won’t allow it!”
Judge Mathiason repeatedly hammered his gavel, and bellowed, “Bailiff, remove Ms. Grey from the courtroom!”
As the burley five-foot-ten bailiff approached, Ghita stiffened, stretched to her full six-foot-five-inch height – in heels – and cast him a glance that would have stopped a clock. The bailiff froze (snip)
Yes, but . . .
The voice is pretty good, and the situation was interesting enough to a science fiction fan such as I to get me to turn the page for a little more. The idea of a Martian citizen was enough to get me there. But, still, there’s no hint of what the stakes are—what will she lose as a result of this ruling, what’s the damage?
Greg, I read through the rest of the chapter, and was disappointed to get a whole lot more exposition that gave background. You did have a fine hook at the end of all that when some kind of paramilitary unit kidnaps her father. If I were you, I’d try to get that up much sooner. Notes:
Judge Werner Mathiason of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia rapped his gavel. “This matter comes before the Court on motion by Plaintiff, Margherita Concordia Grey, for Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injunction. Plaintiff names as Defendant, Off-World Mining LLC. The Court recognizes that Plaintiff is indeed of Martian birth and, in fact, the only known Martian. However, the Court also recognizes that Ms. Grey is a U.S. citizen, permanently residing in the United States without intent, or means, of returning to her home world. As such, the Court finds that Plaintiff, having failed to adequately demonstrate the likelihood of imminent injury, lacks standing in this matter.” I liked all the legal talk; made it feel real.
To the accompaniment of a collective gasp from the standing-room-only gallery, Ghita leaped from her seat, snarling, “Lacks standing?! How can I lack standing? I’m the only Martian. You just said so. I’m the only being on this planet that does have standing!” Pet peeve here regarding dialogue tags; people don’t really snarl words, they just snarl snarls. However, this does introduce conflict and tension.
“Ms. Grey, take your seat and be silent. I will not tolerate your interruptions again.”
“I will not be silent. This is wrong, it cannot be allowed. I won’t allow it!” If there were stakes, something for her to lose here, this would be the place to put it via internal monologue or even dialogue. Give us some reason to care about this.
Judge Mathiason repeatedly hammered his gavel, and bellowed, “Bailiff, remove Ms. Grey from the courtroom!”
As the burley five-foot-ten bailiff approached, Ghita stiffened, stretched to her full six-foot-five-inch height – in heels – and cast him a glance that would have stopped a clock. The bailiff froze (snip) Another pet peeve—a character giving personal dimensions by the inch. It would suffice for her to tower over him just like she did most men of ordinary size. In this situation, she would not be measuring either herself or the guard—this is an author intrusion and takes me out of the story. So does the use of a hoary old cliché, a glance that would stop a clock.
Greg, I’d work on getting the 14 or so pages of exposition and chatter out of the way and figure out how to get her father kidnapped on page 2.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey