The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Lance’s first chapter of Identity opens with this:
DOHA, QATAR
“Is he drunk yet?”
“He was drunk when he walked in here,” Amzi answered, irritated. “So much for Ramadan, eh?”
Refael Gur crossed his arms and stared out the floor-to-ceiling window at the panoramic view. Reduced to lights and geometric glows, central Doha wasn’t as jumbled and ugly at night as it was in daylight. The National Islamic Center’s honey-lit spiral tower spiked above the dark low-rise shambles at its feet; the Tomorrowland glitz of the new city wavered in the black mirror of Doha Bay. Behind him, reflected in the glass, Amzi bent over the pig Talhami, suit coat off, sleeves rolled up, half-empty bottle of vodka in one gloved hand.
“How much longer before the scoline wears off?”
“It already has, but he’s too drunk to do anything about it.” Amzi spread his hands. “Well?”
Gur glanced at the soccer game on the flat-screen television and said, “All right, get his clothes off.” He touched his Bluetooth earpiece. “Bring the woman in.”
Amzi pressed Talhami’s fingers and palm against the bottle several times, then dumped it on the carpet and started roughly stripping the business suit off the muttering Hezbollah thug. A (snip)
I turned the page
The voice is working, the writing pretty clean, and good story questions were raised. The narrative showed me enough of what was up to make me wonder what it was and to wonder what would happen next. I think there were spots that could be more clear or smoother, and perhaps a little extraneous detail, but it worked. Notes:
DOHA, QATAR
“Is he drunk yet?”
“He was drunk when he walked in here,” Amzi answered, irritated. “So much for Ramadan, eh?” I cut "irritated" because the narrative gave no hint as to why he is irritated, or what about. So it's essentially a meaningless word here.
Refael Gur crossed his arms and stared out the floor-to-ceiling window at the panoramic view. Reduced to lights and geometric glows, central Doha wasn’t as jumbled and ugly at night as it was in daylight. The National Islamic Center’s honey-lit spiral tower spiked above the dark low-rise shambles at its feet; the Tomorrowland glitz of the new city wavered in the black mirror of Doha Bay. Behind him, reflected in the glass, Amzi bent over the pig Talhami, suit coat off, sleeves rolled up, half-empty bottle of vodka in one gloved hand. “the panoramic view” is a little bit of telling, and the crossing of the arms unnecessary detail. While the description serves to set the scene, it could have been more effective if filtered through the point of view of Refael—what were his feelings as he saw what he saw? Even more, why is he doing this? As it is, it’s just the author turning the puppet’s head to make him serve the author’s needs—this should be motivated and come from within the character. I found the phrase “the pig Talhami” briefly confusing—where did a pig come from? If you want to call him a pig, fine, but earlier where the conext makes it more clear. More than that, the drunk guy is a terrorist—why not label him that, or go further and describe him as the killer of innocent Israeli children? In addition, the description in the last sentence was unclear as to who had his suit coat off, sleeves rolled up, etc. That would be clear if the description followed the name Amzi.
“How much longer before the scoline wears off?”
“It already has, but he’s too drunk to do anything about it.” Amzi spread his hands. “Well?”
Gur glanced at the soccer game on the flat-screen television and said, “All right, get his clothes off.” He touched his Bluetooth earpiece. “Bring the woman in.” Having action beats in dialogue is a good thing, except for when they don’t characterize or advance the story. The soccer game did neither. If he’s going to glance at anything, make it the victim, and include some emotion.
Amzi pressed Talhami’s fingers and palm against the bottle several times, then dumped it on the carpet and started roughly stripping the business suit off the muttering Hezbollah thug. A (snip) Didn’t think the adverb added anything—use a stronger verb, perhaps "yanking." I also felt that “muttering Hezbolla thug” was a clump of words that didn’t go down easily.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey