The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Kent’s first chapter of Zen and the Art of Explosive Devices opens with this:
I will never forget the killing. But what I think about most often is the girl I met twenty minutes earlier. I was stretching against the far wall of the gym, so I missed her entrance, but Porcelli said you could tell she was going to hit someone.
Named in a bygone era, Ocean Beach Boxing has evolved into a full-fledged mixed martial arts gym. Aerobics classes are not offered. There is no yoga, Tae Bo or salsa dancing. No floor-to-ceiling mirrored walls, no flat-screen TVs, no complimentary white cotton towels. We have heavy bags, wrestling mats, and half the walls are padded. There are rolls of paper towels to wipe up blood.
Any woman who walks in the place is going to stop half the guys from working out. The furious brunette in the yellow summer dress stopped all the guys from working out. She stopped half of them from breathing. Before I could register the meaning of the sudden silence, I felt a tap on my shoulder and a young woman's voice behind me asked, "Mac?"
I turned around and looked down into a pair of high-voltage eyes, and for a moment I could only stand there stunned like I had jammed my finger in a light socket.
That's when she slapped me. Her hand met the side of my face with a crack like a starting gun. The guys literally went ape, jumping up and down, clapping and shouting, "Ooo! Ooo! Oooooo!" Muhammad Ali didn't get that big a reaction when he knocked out Sonny Liston.
I turned the page, however…
The writing is good and has one of those qualities that agents and editors look for, its own voice. The story questions raised by the foreshadowing and the action, especially the slap, made me want more.
However, there’s one big narrative flaw that bothered me. We’re in close third person, and Kent is doing a good job of putting us into Mac’s head. But Mac describes a bunch of what happens that HE CAN’T SEE. He doesn’t see the girl’s entrance, and he can’t see the girl he doesn’t know is there’s hair, or dress, or the guys stopping their workouts.
I can’t think of any story reason for this, so I’d just have him see her like all the rest, stop his stretching, and wonder why she homes in on him. The slap will still be a surprise.
In addition, there was excess stuff that I’ll point out. It caused two very strong hook lines to fall to the next page. How would you have reacted if you had been able to read this at the bottom of the first page?
She balled her hands in fists and glared while I searched her face for a clue as to who in the hell she might be.
For me, the fact that he doesn’t know her increases the intrigue. Notes:
I will never forget the killing. But what I think about most often is the girl I met twenty minutes earlier. I was stretching against the far wall of the gym, so I missed her entrance, but Porcelli said you could tell she was going to hit someone. I cut the line about Porcelli because it doesn’t really add anything but extra words that allude to what’s about to happen, and we don’t need an extra name tossed at us at this point. It’s made clear here that he could not have seen the girl. Frankly, if it were me, I’d have him see the entrance of this striking and furious woman. It would be a lot more interesting to me and would start raising story questions from within Mac’s point of view, and could help characterize him.
Named in a bygone era, Ocean Beach Boxing has evolved into a full-fledged mixed martial arts gym. Aerobics classes are not offered. There is no yoga, Tae Bo or salsa dancing. No floor-to-ceiling mirrored walls, no flat-screen TVs, no complimentary white cotton towels. We have heavy bags, wrestling mats, and half the walls are padded. There are rolls of paper towels to wipe up blood. I really liked the last line about the paper towels, but for me this paragraph of description is about one line too long. I’d cut the fourth sentence about mirrored walls, etc.
Any woman who walks in the place is going to stop half the guys from working out. The furious brunette in the yellow summer dress stopped all the guys from working out. She stopped half of them from breathing. Before I could register the meaning of the sudden silence, I felt a tap on my shoulder and a young woman's voice behind me asked, "Mac?" See what I mean? He describes her and the effect of her entrance, but his back is turned. For no real good reason.
I turned around and looked down into a pair of high-voltage eyes, and for a moment I could only stand there stunned like I had jammed my finger in a light socket. I liked the high-voltage eyes, but felt the simile fell a little flat. Could have done without it.
That's when she slapped me. Her hand met the side of my face with a crack like a starting gun. The guys literally went ape, jumping up and down, clapping and shouting, "Ooo! Ooo! Oooooo!" Muhammad Ali didn't get that big a reaction when he knocked out Sonny Liston. Since this story isn’t about boxing, I felt that the last line was fat that could be trimmed. Yes, it speaks to the character a little bit, but I think how he reacts to what is going on is more important. And it help makes room for getting in the lines that had to wait on the second page.
Good start, Kent, just keep in mind the physical reality of the scene and write it accordingly. I think you missed some opportunities for characterization and suspense building by not having Mac see the girl from the start.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey