The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Julia’s first chapter for The Sylvan Queen opens with this:
A metallic clang jolted Lia from her half-doze. She peered at the pulpit, where Father Chase wielded a rather large communion bell. Disapproval shadowed the priest’s lined face as he tried to determine whether he had sufficiently jarred his wayward congregation.
“Three or four is typical,” he said. “I’ll even tolerate as many as ten.” He clanged the bell once more before filling the temple with his rich voice. “But when half of Takadia sits snoring in my pews, I begin to wonder why I didn’t just stay in bed.”
The bell’s reverberation faded into uncomfortable silence in the massive stone chamber as Father Chase waited for the parishioners to feel suitably castigated. Lia shifted in her oak pew and pretended to examine the multihued bars of morning light that streamed down from the casement perched at the temple's pinnacle. The man seated beside her stared at his hands.
Finally, Father Chase sighed and set aside the heavy bell. “As I was saying, when we struggle with the hardships of everyday life, we must look to our Maker and never lose faith that he will give us strength. He had to remind us of this once when he dimmed magic. We thought if we had our magic, then we didn't need him. But, in truth, without him we will invariably fail.”
“Why, Father?” a new voice demanded. Lia blinked. What now? A few rows up, a tall, middle-aged man stood. “Why should I have faith?”
Lia recalled passing the farmer on her frequent trips into the city. She had never met him, but (snip)
Yes, but. . .
The question the farmer raised is what got me to turn the page. It’s a big question, one that many people wrestle with, and I was interested in seeing what the priest’s answer was. And, despite a couple of craft issues, the writing is clean and the voice good. There was a later line that I liked a lot—after the service ends, “Conversations hung above the crowd…”
But there were a couple of point of view slips, but that’s easily correctible. A bigger worry is a hint of what this story is about for the protagonist. Does what’s happening here affect her life in any way? There’s no hint that it does. It might help if she had a reaction to the man’s question instead of slipping into a brief bit of backstory/description. Does what he says trouble her? Or signal trouble for her? The chapter ends with no tension having been developed or any story questions regarding the protagonist arising, and you need to work on that. Notes:
A metallic clang jolted Lia from her half-doze. She peered at the pulpit, where Father Chase wielded a rather large communion bell. Disapproval shadowed the priest’s lined face as he tried to determine whether he had sufficiently jarred his wayward congregation. The description of the communion bell as “rather large” doesn’t add because it’s a relative term—rather large compared to what? Moreover, she would have seen this bell many times, so wouldn’t be thinking about its size. And its size is irrelevant—what matters is that he rang the bell. Basically, a useless detail. And there’s a little “head hop” here. We go from Lia’s point of view into the priest’s when the narrative tells us what he’s trying to determine. Lia can’t know what he’s thinking, yet the narrative tells us. This is a point-of-view slip. She can assume or deduce that he’s thinking that, but not know it.
“Three or four is typical,” he said. “I’ll even tolerate as many as ten.” He clanged the bell once more before filling the temple with his rich voice. “But when half of Takadia sits snoring in my pews, I begin to wonder why I didn’t just stay in bed.”
The bell’s reverberation faded into uncomfortable silence in the massive stone chamber as Father Chase waited for the parishioners to feel suitably castigated. Lia shifted in her oak pew and pretended to examine the multihued bars of morning light that streamed down from the casement perched at the temple's pinnacle. The man seated beside her stared at his hands. A second POV slip—she can’t know that he’s waiting for them to feel castigated. More than that, this paragraph has no forward motion. Everything stops.
Finally, Father Chase sighed and set aside the heavy bell. “As I was saying, when we struggle with the hardships of everyday life, we must look to our Maker and never lose faith that he will give us strength. He had to remind us of this once when he dimmed magic. We thought if we had our magic, then we didn't need him. But, in truth, without him we will invariably fail.” I liked the way you slipped the reference to magic here. It raises some story questions. What would be more helpful would be, perhaps, to have her react with some internal monologue about how the fading magic has affected her life, or what it means to her in some way.
“Why, Father?” a new voice demanded. Lia blinked. What now? A few rows up, a tall, middle-aged man stood. “Why should I have faith?” As I said earlier, good question.
Lia recalled passing the farmer on her frequent trips into the city. She had never met him, but (snip) Oops, we stray from the story here. It’s not really important how she recognized the farmer. I’d rather have her react to the issue he raises, particularly if it can be connected with the dimming of magic. This story needs to be about her from the start, and it’s not—it’s about the priest and the farmer. It could be that this story is starting in the wrong place. What happens later in the story to change her life? What’s the inciting incident? Is this about the failure of religion in her life, as the chapter hints, or what? I’d look at a beginning that happens later to see if there’s a more involving scene that is about the protagonist in a more direct way.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey