The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Densie’s first chapter opens with this:
The memory slams me like the recoil of a shotgun.
I’m in the kitchen preparing marinade for the steaks we’ll later throw on the grill in celebration of a perfect New York summer evening. My husband’s music drifts from his office and blends in with the hum coming from the kids’ rooms, creating a kind of musical porridge that sounds just right. A jasmine-scented breeze waltzes in from the garden, rises and falls, and pauses just long enough for me to breathe it in. It carries memories of its own, warm memories that caress and comfort.
The television in the next room is announcing the news to no one in particular, when the anchor’s words shatter my meditative mood and I sprint from the kitchen, a bowl still in my hand. I’m planted in front of the screen, my feet leaden, yet my knees pliable as rubber, as the words burrow deep under my skin.
“A woman, identified as 27-year-old Kathryn Wilson, was arrested today on charges of attempted murder after allegedly attacking Justin Walker, the 23-year-old lead singer of the group, Caveat Emptor, and his girlfriend. According to investigators, Wilson had been stalking the singer and claims he is the father of her 1-year-old daughter. Walker and his girlfriend have been hospitalized with multiple stab wounds. There is no word yet on their condition.”
I turned the page
I liked the first line. Even though it might signal the beginning of a dreaded flashback or backstory, I’m interested in something that could have that intense an effect. The voice is attractive, and the writing pretty clean, though there’s a point of confusion in paragraph three. The news report is dramatic, too, and raises the question of what such a violent event has to do with the character’s tranquil life. Notes:
The memory slams me like the recoil of a shotgun.
I’m in the kitchen preparing marinade for the steaks we’ll later throw on the grill in celebration of a perfect New York summer evening. My husband’s music drifts from his office and blends in with the hum coming from the kids’ rooms, creating a kind of musical porridge that sounds just right. A jasmine-scented breeze waltzes in from the garden, rises and falls, and pauses just long enough for me to breathe it in. It carries memories of its own, warm memories that caress and comfort. Sets a mood nicely, though for me it goes on a little too long. Since the memories referred to in the last line are never mentioned, I think it could be cut.
The television in the next room is announcing the news to no one in particular when the anchor’s words shatter my meditative mood and I sprint from the kitchen, a bowl still in my hand. I’m planted in front of the screen, my feet leaden yet my knees pliable as rubber, as the words burrow deep under my skin. The inclusion of a past tense verb bothered me. It sorta works, but pulled me out of the first-person intensity. Why not “I plant myself in front of the screen. . .” etc.?
“A woman, identified as 27-year-old Kathryn Wilson, was arrested today on charges of attempted murder after allegedly attacking Justin Walker, the 23-year-old lead singer of the group, Caveat Emptor, and his girlfriend. According to investigators, Wilson had been stalking the singer and claims he is the father of her 1-year-old daughter. Walker and his girlfriend have been hospitalized with multiple stab wounds. There is no word yet on their condition.” There are confusing pronouns in the sentence about stalking. He is stalking the singer (a man) and then claims he is the father of her daughter. I know this is meant to be the girlfriend’s daughter, but that’s not what it says.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey