The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Chantal’s first chapter for Calista opens with this:
Calista opened her eyes. Through a sliver in the curtains light streamed into her room, creeping across the floor and up onto her bed to land directly over her sleepy eyes. The light made her blink and squint, and then move in frustration. The day always came too soon.
After a moment of hiding under her quilt she gathered enough will to drag herself out of her bed. The air swilling around her felt chilly and she realized she had left her window open a hair all night. Over by the window the ground was damp from rain that had fallen during the night. Calista yawned and stretched her arms up high, swinging her feet out from under the blankets and over the edge of the bed. Her bare feet touched the cold floor, sending shivers up her spine. She waited a moment, trying to get used to the feeling, and then stood up. Again, she stretched her legs and yawned, forcing herself to wake up much like the sun had just done.
Calista moved over to the window. She opened the curtains fully, allowing the sun to enter her room and warm up the floor. Outside gray clouds were on the horizon to the East over a gray ocean. The sun would not last for long, she guessed. Closing her eyes, Calista leaned out of the cold window, trying to soak up as much sun as she could. Winter was coming and for the next few months it would be dark with rain and snow, wind and storms. Now was the time to enjoy the sun.
Clean writing, but . . .
The writing is clean and the voice clear, but this opening lacks, for me, tension. What happens here? A woman wakes up and gets out of bed. The only hint of anything coming is winter, not exactly a pulse-raiser. The chapter goes on in much the same way. At the end, we get what I think we should have gotten on the first page—all the servants are leaving the manor because the family has no money, and this woman, the daughter of the owner, doesn’t have a clue. That raises good story questions, but came much too late. Notes:
Calista opened her eyes. Through a sliver in the curtains light streamed into her room, creeping across the floor and up onto her bed to land directly over her sleepy eyes. The light made her blink and squint, and then move in frustration. The day always came too soon. This opening is already leisurely, and I felt the sentence was a bit of overwriting. It could be condensed, i.e. She blinked and squinted, frustrated.
After a moment of hiding under her quilt, she gathered enough will to drag herself out of her bed. The air swilling around her felt chilly and she realized she had left her window open a hair all night. Over by the window the ground (floor?) was damp from rain that had fallen during the night. Calista yawned and stretched her arms up high, swinging her feet out from under the blankets and over the edge of the bed. Her bare feet touched the cold floor, sending shivers up her spine. She waited a moment, trying to get used to the feeling, and then stood up. Again, she stretched her legs and yawned, forcing herself to wake up much like the sun had just done. ”Ground” suggests a dirt floor, and I don’t think that’s what’s meant. Also, if the window was open a “hair,” would rain really have come in? I cut the last couple of sentences for pace. They didn’t seem to contribute much to either character or story.
Calista moved over to the window. She opened the curtains fully, allowing the sun to enter her room and warm up the floor. Outside gray clouds were on the horizon to the East over a gray ocean. The sun would not last for long, she guessed. Closing her eyes, Calista leaned out of the cold window, trying to soak up as much sun as she could. Winter was coming and for the next few months it would be dark with rain and snow, wind and storms. Now was the time to enjoy the sun. At this point I was wondering when something was going to happen. For me, a character getting out of bed and contemplating a fairly ordinary future was not the stuff of compelling fiction.
I suspect there’s a good story to be told here and the writing talent to tell it, so consider cutting just about all of this and start with the last maid dragging her trunk out of the house and the discovery of penury.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2011 Ray Rhamey