The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Tabatha has sent a prologue and first chapter of Under The Moon’s Shadow. The prologue opens this way:
Beth opened her eyes just in time to see a tiny, still-green leaf float past her face. It was moving slowly, that leaf, as though it had all the time in the world, and it seemed unconcerned to find itself detached from the tree that had given it life. She followed its movements with her eyes as far as she could, and turned her head to watch when it caught on a tall, spiky stalk of grass.
Suddenly there was pressure on her abdomen. It was accompanied by a pain like nothing Beth had ever felt before, and it left her gasping. Movement caught her eye and she turned to see Cullen Jarvis leaning over her, his face tense with worry. He was speaking but she couldn’t make sense of the words. She moved an arm toward him but a second sharp pain spiked its way through her shoulder and she let her arm fall. Cullen moved her legs, bending them at the knees, and some of the pain in her abdomen dissipated. She tried to thank him but everything faded around her, and just that quickly, the world went black.
Some time later, Beth opened her eyes to see Jason hovering above her where Cullen had been before. She was dismayed to see that her beloved, amiable, happy-go-lucky brother had tears on his face. She realized Jason was talking to her, but she couldn’t understand what he was saying.
Without warning, two men in dark jackets and caps appeared. Beth recognized them as local EMTs, and watched as they surrounded her, working efficiently. As one shined a light in (snip)
The first chapter starts out with:
Beth Hudson sped along the narrow lane with a dust cloud swirling up behind her. There hadn’t been any rain in the past couple of weeks, and the ground was very dry. She slowed as she reached the blacktopped county road, and eased onto the pavement after verifying the coast was clear. With her new SUV, lovingly dubbed “the Beast,” now pointed toward town, she sat back with a sigh and thought about the meeting she had just wrapped up. It wasn’t even eight o’clock and it had already been a long day.
Over the past several weeks, some of the local farmers had reported seeing mysterious lights at night and finding evidence of trespassers on their land the next day. Most had found tire tracks or damaged crops which confirmed that someone had been present. However, the farmer most frequently affected, Cullen Jarvis, had yet to produce any evidence supporting his claims. Cullen was a Vietnam veteran and one of Leroy’s most notorious eccentrics. His long battle with paranoid schizophrenia was well known around town. Given his history, it was unlikely that Cullen’s reports would be taken seriously, at least by anyone outside the small circle who knew the man well enough to judge when he was having a psychotic episode and when he wasn’t. Beth was one of those people, but she was beginning to feel like she, Cullen and his wife Randy were the only three people in the world who believed something was going on. Randy had called her (snip)
Almost for the prologue, no on the chapter
The story questions in the prologue’s first page—what’s wrong with Beth, what will happen to her—were almost enough to get me to turn the page, but there were enough soft spots in the writing to give me pause—would it be that way for the whole novel? The first chapter slipped into backstory and exposition after a dull opening, and that stopped me right away.
For those who can’t read the rest, the prologue ended with Beth understanding that she had been shot. The first chapter seems to open in a time before that, and it’s primarily set-up and then she takes a shower. In other words, not much happens. It seems to me that the prologue, if it is indeed an event that happens after the first chapter, is a better place to start. Even better, for me, would be when she was shot, I suspect. Notes on the prologue:
Beth opened her eyes just in time to see a tiny, still-green leaf float past her face. It drifted was moving slowly, that leaf, as though it had all the time in the world, and it seemed unconcerned to find itself detached from the tree that had given it life. She followed its movements with her eyes as far as she could, and turned her head to watch when it catch caught on a tall, spiky stalk of grass. While not dramatic and a bit overwritten, this does set a mood, and could be consistent with the dreamy state someone in shock could be in, so I’m willing to read on. “Moving slowly” is weak description because the adverb doesn’t do a very good job, so I suggested a stronger verb. Other things to avoid include using past participles such as “was moving: -- they are, to my way of thinking, mushy writing instead of the crispness of past tense.
Suddenly there was pressure on her abdomen. It was accompanied by a pain like nothing Beth had ever felt before, and it left her gasping. Movement caught her eye and she turned to see Something pressed on her abdomen, and pain like nothing Beth had ever felt made her gasp. Cullen Jarvis leaning over her, his face tense with worry. He was speaking spoke but she couldn’t make sense of the words. She moved an arm toward him but a second sharp pain spiked its way through her shoulder and she let her arm fall. Cullen moved her legs, bending them at the knees, and some of the pain in her abdomen dissipated. She tried to thank him, but everything faded around her, and just that quickly, the world went black. In an edit, I would offer the recasting of the opening sentence as a suggestion, but I thought it would be more effective here to put it there so you could see the contrast. This should be a dramatic scene, but the use of “to be” verbs—was pressure, was accompanied—soften it. I think that it’s more experiential to suggest that the pain hit her rather than it accompanied the pressure. Just a suggestion to get at the impact of what’s happening to Beth.)
Some time later, Beth opened her eyes to see Jason hovering above her where Cullen had been before. She was dismayed to see that her beloved, amiable, happy-go-lucky brother had tears on his face. She realized Jason was talking to her, but she couldn’t understand what he was saying.
Without warning, Two men in dark jackets and caps appeared. Beth recognized them as They were local EMTs, and watched as they surrounded her, working efficiently. As one shined a light in (snip) Two benefits of tightening the writing, especially on a first page—the pace is brisker, and readers like that, and you can include more story elements and tension on the first page to hook the reader.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):
- your title
- your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey