First, some insights from Agent Kristin Nelson on why we’re here, taking hard looks at novel openings. This is from her blog, Pub Rants. She wrote about reading novel samples from her slush pile and seeing many that were starting in the wrong place.
There are decent writers out there who are totally starting their stories in the wrong place which can obscure what the novel is really about. If I’ve read 30 pages and it’s clear to me that we still haven’t gotten to the right beginning, it’s a pass.
So the biggest writing culprit writers need to watch for that will indicate a story starting in the wrong place?
Back story.
One submission had several scenes that weren’t really relevant to where the novel actually started—which was in chapter three (around page 27). The opening scenes were essentially back story—info the writer needs to know but the reader doesn’t. Back story needs to be integrated throughout the novel in a masterful way.
Second biggest culprit?
Minutiae.
In other words, the writer is overcompensating for the wrong beginning by including beginning scenes with too much detail about the characters and all the underlying tension of the relationships so all that is clear before the novel can “begin.” The details are certainly good to have but they are placed in scenes that don’t actually move the story forward. In other words, the only purpose of the scene is to introduce characters. Then by chapter three or four, suddenly we have the actual story.
Writers who are actually ready for agent submission have mastered the art of seamlessly integrating back story and relevant character details into a plot that moves the story forward.”
You might want to read the whole post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Scot’s opening lines:
It was 3 o’clock in the damn morning and I hadn’t had a cigarette in six hours. I didn’t know if the sweat was from nerves, or the lack of air conditioning in an August desert. Stupid car. When this is over, I’m getting a new car. With air. I reached over and touched the bagged lump in the passenger seat. It was still cold. As hot as it was out here and this fucking thing was still cold. Go figure.
I couldn’t risk stopping for more smokes. My face had been plastered all over the news. Reports claim that I may be armed and dangerous. I do have arms, but I’m far from dangerous. Some freak shit happens and your whole world changes. If she would have stayed quiet, she’d still be alive and I wouldn’t be driving across the desert at 3 o’clock in the damn morning with no smokes.
Topping a hill, I see a small light. I’m hoping for a 24-hour discount tobacco store. I wouldn’t hold my breath. I couldn’t see how anyone could stay in business way out here in the middle of nowhere. Besides, they wouldn’t be open at 3 o’clock in the damn morning. Shit, it’s hot. I see it’s a small store with old ass gas pumps. The old ass kind with the dials. A flickering sign above the pumps reads “Libby Lou’s - Open 24 hours.” Dust layered windows allow the dim light from inside. Not another car in sight. Hell, not another anything around. Screw it. I’m getting smokes.
Yes, but . . .
A strong voice, clean writing, and good story questions got me to turn the page. What seems like a diversion to get “smokes” seems to contribute to advancing the story (the place disappears when he leaves it). So far so good. Then he slips into backstory for a number of pages. Interestingly written backstory involving a young witch, but still backstory. Just as Kristin warns. We leave what’s happening in the now of the story for what happened in the then of the story. Not, in my book, a good move. Weave that backstory stuff in later or leave it out, but stick with the story.
Another problem: the narrative is involving enough that in my first read I didn’t notice hops from past tense to present tense. That continues after the first page. You need to be consistent. Notes:
It was
3three o’clock in the damn morning and I hadn’t had a cigarette in six hours. I didn’t know if the sweat was from nerves, or the lack of air conditioning in an August desert. Stupid car. When thisiswas over, I’mwas getting a new car. With air. I reached over and touched the bagged lump in the passenger seat. It was still cold. As hot as it was out here and this fucking thing was still cold. Go figure. (I’m not happy about the reference to the “lump” and “it” because I don’t know what they are. The next paragraph suggests that it is a dead woman, but it’s not clear. There’s no need to withhold this information. If it’s a body or a “her,” then use that instead of “it.” You’re here to involve the reader with the character’s experience, so include it. Mostly, we’re in past tense, and that’s fine.)I couldn’t risk stopping for more smokes. My face had been plastered all over the news. Reports claimed that I
maycould be armed and dangerous. Idodid have arms, but I’mwas far from dangerous. Some freak shit happens and your whole world changes. If she would have stayed quiet, she’d still be alive and I wouldn’t be driving across the desert at 3 o’clock in the damn morning with no smokes. (This is the part that got me to turn the page. Good story questions. But now we’re getting flip-floppy with tense.)Topping a hill, I
seesaw a small light. I’mwas hoping for a 24-hour discount tobacco store. Iwouldn’twasn’t going to hold my breath. Icouldn’tdidn’t see how anyone could stay in business way outherein the middle of nowhere. Besides, they wouldn’t be open at3three o’clock in the damn morning. Shit, it’swas hot. Isee it’ssaw it was a small store with old-ass gas pumps. The old-ass kind withthedials. A flickering sign above the pumps reads“Libby Lou’s - Open 24 hours.” Dust-layered windows allowed the dim light from inside. Not another car in sight. Hell, not another anything around. Screw it. I’mwas getting smokes. (So here we shift 100% to present tense. The next paragraphs weave in and out, present to past and back, and sometimes mix both in the same paragraph. You need to work on consistency of tense, Scot.)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
