Flogging the Quill

Friday Fun and Flogometer for Ashley—would you turn the page?

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Update: taking the day off today. Have a great holiday!

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You can start the The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles podcast series or subscribe to it here or on iTunes. A sample of the novel is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

Chapter 18 A romantic dining opportunity appears

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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Call for flogging submissions I’m about to run out of submissions to the Flogometer. If you’d like a critique of your novel’s opening—prologue or first chapter or both—please email as an attachment according to the guidelines at the end of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Ashley’s opening lines:

"What you in for?"

If she had asked Thomas that same question four years ago, he would have told her that he was following a trail. He had told so many young waitresses in late-night city dives that he was "following a trail" that he suspected it was bad luck. Instead he shrugged and said, "Some potato soup," indicating the brightly-decorated specials board with a tilt of his head. The girl sauntered into the kitchen without writing anything.

Thomas hauled his bag up onto the counter, putting it between himself and a queasy-looking guy three seats down. He pulled out a battered old notebook -- personal documentation of four years of wrong turns. Missed opportunities. Wasted time.

It was full.

His mother would still be proud, of course; she had always said that success wasn't everything. He was still ashamed. That was his father living on in his psyche.

"Any coffee?" The girl was smiling down at him, leaning forward just far enough to peek into his notebook. For a moment Thomas considered hiding it, but was instead mildly entranced by a hint of cleavage. "You a writer or something?"

Thomas shook his head and closed the notebook. "Are you from around here?"

Close, but . . .

I liked the writing and the voice a lot, and Ashley is opening with an immediate scene, which I also like. But, for me, it adds up to well done throat-clearing. I do like the hints of internal conflict we see in Thomas, but for me it wasn’t strong enough to compel a page turn.

In a way, some of the narrative is self-defeating. For example, the opening paragraph seems to suggest that “following a trail” was just a story he told to waitresses, when in actuality that is what he’s doing. We don’t know that finding something or someone is important to him, or the stakes involved.

Because the writing is clean, I looked ahead in the narrative for a point where I felt the narrative was more compelling, and there was more of an idea of a story to be heard. Let’s see how this works for you—Ashley, I’ve taken liberties and cut a lot to get more of a hook on the first page. This is meant as a thought-starter for raising stronger story questions and enough mystery to provoke a turn. Thomas’s backstory and musings can be added later.

Thomas ignored the scent of the alley—a medley of beer and dumpsters and old pepperoni—and strode to a rickety set of metal stairs leading up to a small landing and a door.

He reached up to knock; his hand was barely there when the door swung back. Holding it open was a frowning boy about as tall as the middle of Thomas' stomach, a mop of shaggy hair falling over his eyebrows. Thomas would have frowned back, but that was when he noticed the boy's eyes. The boy's completely unfocused eyes.

"She said you'd be here," the boy said.

"Excuse me?"

"Come in. Madam is ready."

"You've got to be joking."

The boy turned back into the apartment. Thomas followed him down a hallway. A door stood ajar at the end. He went in, expecting to find candles, bad incense—the kind of things infomercial mystics used to convince desperate housewives. Instead, there was just a single hanging bulb illuminating a bed in one corner, an armchair in another, and a tall pine box. He looked around, shrugged, and turned to leave. Another dead end on the trail to find his lost --

A voice like a grandmother who had smoked for decades came from the pine box. “You’re in the (snip)

Ashley, your writing is fine, and it seems like there’s an interesting story here. But the conversation you had with the other guy in the parlor didn’t seem to advance the story (it was just more exposition). Try starting later in the story and fill in the notebook, his feelings, etc. as he encounters this woman and the others I the place. Good luck.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Greg—would you turn the page?

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Call for flogging submissions I’m about to run out of submissions to the Flogometer. If you’d like a critique of your novel’s opening—prologue or first chapter or both—please email as an attachment according to the guidelines at the end of this post.

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Just having some fun with a newspaper “clipping” generator courtesy of Paperback Writer’s blog. This could be a clipping from the world of my novel, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Greg’s opening lines:

“Sorry, Abby, it’s Nikolayev.”

Abby shook her head and sighed. “You flew all the way down here just to tell me that? What’s the matter, Eric, don’t they have phones in New York?”

“I thought you should get the news in person.”

“Why? What difference does it make?” She rubbed her forehead trying to suppress the oncoming headache. “How’d we vote?”

Eric grimaced. “Well, it’s complicated.”

“Eric, you’re a weasel.”

He chuckled. “You knew that when you divorced me.”

“Yeah. Wish I’d known it before I married you. Does anyone on the U.N. Space Committee think it the least bit ironic that Sergei Nikolayev, the new Director of the International Space Agency, can’t even fly a fucking airplane?”

“Like I said, Abby, it’s complicated.”

“Bullshit. I’m a gruff old pilot that drinks too much and he’s a slick politician who sometimes masquerades as an engineer.”

Eric shrugged. “What are you gonna do now?”

Where’s the tension?

Lots of good things going on with this opening—I liked the voice, it’s an immediate scene, and the writing is strong and clean. Once caveat on the scene: opening with nothing but dialogue is risky, and it would be better if there were at least a little bit of scene-setting woven in.

But the real problem is no story questions with enough juice to make me wonder what’s going to happen next. Abby seems like a fun and likeable character, but this is nothing more than somebody reporting on the results of some kind of election that we know nothing about. And this was followed in the chapter by lots of very well-written backstory and introduction to the world of the novel.

Because the writing is strong, rather than pick at nits, I looked further in the narrative to see if I could find material that was closer to compelling. That’s below, followed by another poll. Greg, if you compare this with the original, you’ll see that there’s been some trimming done. All that backstory you can weave in. One other note: she gets a fax. In the world of the future, do you think faxing would still be around? Here’s an alternative opening, taken from the first chapter about 4 pages into the narrative.

Abby removed a turkey from the fridge. Since that first Thanksgiving on Mars when Jeff had pulled one, frozen in liquid nitrogen, out of a transport container – the first non-rehydrated food they had had in over eight months that, almost inconceivably, Gabe had managed to cook to perfection in the convection oven – Abby had looked upon a cold turkey sandwich as about the next best thing to sex. As she carved thin slices of breast meat, almost inevitably, the doorbell rang.

Shit, it never failed. She flipped on the porch light and saw two ‘suits’ standing there. Ah, what now?

“Yes? May I help you?”

One of the men flashed credentials. “Special Agent Gardner, Interpol. And this is Special Agent Roush. Ms. Nolan, may we have a word with you?”

Abby frowned. “It’s Admiral Nolan, and what can I do for you?”

“My apologies, Admiral. May we come in?”

She didn’t mind the police, and the FBI was okay. Even CIA or NSA would be welcome. But Abby did not care for Interpol. The International Criminal Police Organization was, in theory, simply an information exchange. But it had evolved into something, in Abby’s opinion, sinister.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Merima—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Merima’s opening lines:

It was Christmas Day, December 25th, 1851. The house was solemnly silent, as Sarah Barton’s last breath was taken, and Martha sadly covered the dead body with a white blanket. Martha looked around the house, or rather mansion of a prominent business man, with dark decorated curtains and a low dimming light. The chandelier above her slowly swung, and a breeze ran through the house. Martha quietly drew the red curtains around the rustic yet elegant bed.

It was at this moment that Clara Barton’s life truly began, as she left the house fixing her eyes on the road ahead to Washington D.C., determined. Clara was now barely thirty years old, and had lived with her family ever since, nursing her brother from the war. It was now time for her to move on, and create a new life for herself.

Martha Ballard, both midwife and great-aunt to Sarah, walked outside to the snow-covered barn. The chilly air reddened her nose, and she tightened her jacket upon her shivering skin. She looked upwards to the sky, and the gentle snow fell upon her face. Martha wiped off the tears, and hesitated. Her hand reached the door, and she opened it, sickened.

The hearty and loud talking ceased as Martha entered the room quietly. She closed the door, and warmed herself upon the small fire lighting the room. Stephen looked at her, his heart sinking.

Not there yet

Merima has begun an ambitious project, historical fiction about 10 women in history. This opening, though, was not a page-turner for me. While definitely a good start, I feel that the writing needs to evolve a little more before it’s ready for prime time, and there was no real tension here. I suggest, Merima, that you keep at it and perhaps look into books on writing. I think there are lessons on craft in my own book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, that could help you, and I know that there are other excellent books on craft that would also steer you toward the kind of narrative you need to be competitive. Notes:

It was Christmas Day, December 25th, 1851. The house was solemnly silent, as when Sarah Barton’s last breath was taken, and Martha sadly covered the dead body with a white blanket. Martha looked around the house, or rather mansion of a prominent business man, with dark decorated curtains and a low dimming light. A breeze ran through the house, and the chandelier above her slowly swung, and a breeze ran through the house. Martha quietly drew the red curtains around the rustic yet elegant bed. (Too many adverbs that modify verbs for me, and the whole sentence about looking around the house doesn’t do well as description. For one thing, she’s in a bedroom and can’t really look around the house. For another, description needs to deliver the experience of the character [I call it “experiential description” in my book], and this is not only not from within her point of view, the “or rather” part isn’t necessary at all.)

It was at this moment that Clara Barton’s life truly began, as she left the house fixing her eyes on the road ahead to Washington D.C., determined. Clara was now barely thirty years old, and had lived with her family ever since, nursing her brother from the war. It was now time for her to move on, and create a new life for herself. (We seem to be changing point of view here—the story started with Martha’s actions. But that could be okay if Clara was there and observing Martha. But this is clearly the author delivering information, not a peek through a window into Clara’s experience. If this exposition is necessary, it should be delivered through Clara’s internal monologue [thoughts] or dialogue in a scene rather than this “info dump.”)

Martha Ballard, both midwife and great-aunt to Sarah, walked outside to the snow-covered barn. The chilly air reddened her nose, and she tightened her jacket upon her shivering skin. She looked upwards to the sky, and the gentle snow fell upon her face. Martha wiped off the tears, and opened hesitated. Her hand reached the door, and she opened it, sickened. (We’ve now hopped into Martha’s head [point of view]. This is better description, and starts to deliver an experience. I think the interjection of the paragraph about Clara needs to wait—Martha later talks about her and delivers much of the same info.)

The hHearty and loud talking ceased as Martha entered the room quietly. She closed the door, and warmed herself upon at the small fire lighting the room. Stephen looked at her, his heart sinking. (Here we jump into another character’s point of view. Generally this kind of “head hopping” is not considered good storytelling craft, although you do see it in some published novels. It can be a strike against you with both readers and agents.)

There are definitely signs of promise in your work, Merima, and I encourage you to keep at it and develop your narrative skills. You can do it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Friday Fun and Flogometer for Tamara—would you turn the page?

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You can start the podcast series or subscribe to The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles here or on iTunes. A sample of the novel is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

Chapter 17 Filthy lucre enters the fray

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Tamara’s opening lines of a YA novel:

“Give me that shoe, it's my turn you wench,” Jenn said as she jabbed her elbow into my enormous stomach. I lost my balance and fell back harder than planned. The fat suit made me clumsy, but the inches of foam did cushion my fall. A few people in the audience giggled. That was my cue; it was time for my big spotlight moment.

I rolled over and pushed with my arms to pop my head up for the breakdancing move I had rehearsed. It was difficult enough to move my body like a wave in regular clothes, but with the chunky costume on, it was near impossible. Soaked in sweat, but fueled by adrenaline, I pushed even harder. I would do the best worm they'd ever seen. The gymnasium echoed with laughter. They loved me! They were eating it up, they were— actually looking in the other direction.

I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I could make out the faces of the audience because the spotlight had been moved off me, and all eyes were on someone else.

Jenn cavorted across the stage. She swung her rubbery arms over her head and whooped like a deranged monkey. When she bent over to try on the glass slipper, she pointed her rear end at the audience and scratched her butt crack with both hands. How was it that Jenn and I were both cast as Cinderella's obnoxious stepsisters, equal parts, but she managed to make her role better? It was just like her to show off; if I got a B in one of the classes we shared, she had to get an A.

Didn’t make it for this reader

The good parts: opening with an immediate scene, a likeable voice, and strong, clean writing. The shortcoming: lack of tension for me. To reach the level of “compelling,” at least one story question has to arise that demands a turn of the page to find out what happens next, and there wasn’t one here for me.

There’s some rivalry between the protagonist and Jenn, but it seems benign enough, and there’s nothing apparent in the lead’s future that might cause trouble. After the performance ends, there a little innocuous introduction of other characters, the character leaves with her parents, and gets some ice cream. There are tiny hints that some kind of sickness is going around, but nothing definitive, or threatening. The chapter, while portraying angsty moments of being female and fourteen, left me with no tension and not knowing what the story was about. So, nice writing, but (for me), work needed on the storytelling side. The goal to focus on, Tamara, is, as agent Donald Maass says, tension on every page. If not that, for sure the opening page and as many as possible after that.

As for notes on the narrative, it’s clean. I’d look at cutting the first sentence of the third paragraph and maybe combine the rest with the following paragraph. And I’d cut the last line referring to grades in classes. But, still, a strong question needs to be raised. I think that this amounts to well written throat clearing, a symptom of many new novelists. Find the place where her life changes, Tamara, and start there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Robert—would you turn the page?

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Oops. Yesterday was my birthday, and I forgot all about the Wednesday post. Here it is.

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My monthly guest post is up on Writer Unboxed, titled Do you have a story of the heart? It includes a kinda cool animated graphic that I created, although it only worked the first time I loaded the page. Hope it works for you.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Robert has sent a rewrite. His opening lines:

Alex saw that the ball was out of reach, and relaxed. He was the world’s worst cricketer. No point in trying too hard and making a fool of himself. It bounded past well clear of the off stump. Someone behind him tossed it back to the bowler. He glanced up.

The Stone stirred under his clothes, pulling at him. Damn the thing! He needed it to leave him alone. Why was it waking now, of all times? His mind was full of images of the Dratzen; of soaring mountains, crowded little towns, of corpses, blood and more blood. He was sweating. He pulled himself back into the reality of this world. For once, he had a chance to relax with his friends. If the damn thing would let him. The last thing he wanted right now was to suddenly wake up alone in another landscape. Even if it was his home.

Beyond the willows that fringed the Cherwell, he could see the greenhouses of the Oxford Botanic Garden. It had been a favourite haunt when he was in his teens. Beyond, the bright tower of Magdalen rose into the sky, against a backdrop of cloud. Cricket was not his thing. But cricket had never been the point. It was the excuse, to meet up with old friends from school once in a while, and relax together in the pub afterwards.

Everything spun around him for a moment. Not now! Alex thought he was about to black out. He never knew when the Stone was about to drag him through to the other world. It had (snip)

This one works for me

This scene did a good job for me in sketching out where the character is and what he’s doing, giving us enough hints of backstory to understand what’s going on, and an immediate threat to his happiness and well-being. I wanted to know more about the stone, and what was going to happen next. Some notes:

Alex saw that the ball was out of reach and relaxed. He was the world’s worst cricketer. No point in trying too hard and making a fool of himself. It bounded past well clear of the off stump. Someone behind him tossed it back to the bowler. He glanced up.

The Stone stirred under his clothes, pulling at him. Damn the thing! He needed it to leave him alone. Why was it waking now, of all times? His mind was full of filled with images of the Dratzen; of soaring mountains, crowded little towns, of corpses, blood and more blood. He was sweating. He pulled himself back into the reality of this world. He was sweating. For once, he had a chance to relax with his friends. If the damn thing would let him. The last thing he wanted right now was to suddenly wake up alone in another landscape. Even if it was his home. (It seemed like the sweating was trying to be part of the images and that a shift put it in a better place for narrative sense.)

Beyond the willows that fringed the Cherwell, he could see the greenhouses of the Oxford Botanic Garden. It had been a favourite haunt when he was in his teens. Beyond Past the willows, the bright tower of Magdalen rose into the sky, against a backdrop of cloud. Cricket was not his thing. But cricket had never been the point. It was the excuse, to meet up with old friends from school once in a while, and relax together in the pub afterwards. (Wanted to avoid the echo of “beyond”)

Everything spun around him for a moment. Not now! Alex thought he was about to black out. He never knew when the Stone was about to drag him through to the other world. It had (snip) (Whlle the potential blacking out is okay, it’s the pull of the Stone that matters here. Cutting that sentence might allow the inclusion of the rest of the last one, which I found more interesting: . . . never yet happened in front of other people. For me, that implied a new jeopardy.)

Nice work, Robert. Thanks.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Suzanne—would you turn the page?

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A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Suzanne’s opening lines from a YA novel:

Jynx first found out about her father’s secret life by accident. It was while she was eating a bowl of crunchy nuts and raisins cereal and reading the missing children alert on the side of the milk carton that she realized how much she missed her dad. He was gone on another business trip (how many business trips did an anthropology professor need to take anyhow?) and he hadn’t returned her calls in three days. An uneasy feeling turned the sweet milk sour in her mouth.

“Grammy, when did Dad say he’d be back?” Jynx asked her grandmother, who was spreading lemon curd on fresh, hot scones at the kitchen counter.

“He didn’t.”

“Well, don’t you have an idea?”

“No.”

It wasn’t like her grandmother to be so short with her. She was usually warm and kind and patient. This change in her mannerism added to Jynx’s uneasiness, injecting a sliver of apprehension into her mind.

She pointed at the smiling picture of the missing girl on the milk carton. “What if Dad is missing, Grammy? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t called back. What if he’s like one of these children that no one ever finds again? What happens to them?”

res-surveys/">Market Research

Didn’t quite get there for me

Good, clean writing and an immediate scene are on the plus side, but the opening tease and the girl’s apprehensions weren’t quite enough. It turns out that her grandmother tells her and her little brother that her father is a time traveler, and a man from the future. We learn this in conversation, though her grandmother’s motivation for spilling this is not clear. I have a suggestion, but first some brief notes.

Jynx first found out about her father’s secret life by accident. It was while she was eating a bowl of crunchy nuts and raisins cereal and reading the missing children alert on the side of the milk carton that she realized how much she missed her dad. He was gone on another business trip (how many business trips did an anthropology professor need to take anyhow?) and he hadn’t returned her calls in three days. An uneasy feeling turned the sweet milk sour in her mouth. (The opening line foreshadowing the revelation of the secret felt artificial, somehow. Perhaps that’s the nature of any line that tells us something. The uneasy feeling isn’t really motivated by the fact that he hasn’t returned her calls. If we understood that he always returned her calls, it would be. Also, if he’s constantly going on time travel missions as her grandmother soon reveals, he wouldn’t have been able to return calls on those many trips either. So something doesn’t quite ring true with this. The lack of motivation for her apprehension saps the following narrative of tension for me.)

“Grammy, when did Dad say he’d be back?” Jynx asked her grandmother, who was spreading lemon curd on fresh, hot scones at the kitchen counter.

“He didn’t.”

“Well, don’t you have an idea?”

“No.”

It wasn’t like her grandmother to be so short with her. She was usually warm and kind and patient. This change in her mannerism added to Jynx’s uneasiness, injecting a sliver of apprehension into her mind. (It turns out that this character is 14. I don’t feel that “change in mannerism” and “injecting a sliver of apprehension” are wordings and phrasings that fit naturally into the way a child talks or thinks. For me, this weakens the illusion that I’m in a child’s mind. My feeling is that the narration needs to reflect the age, nature, and personality of the character.)

She pointed at the smiling picture of the missing girl on the milk carton. “What if Dad is missing, Grammy? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t called back. What if he’s like one of these children that no one ever finds again? What happens to them?” (Using the milk carton is a nice device for suggesting that her father is missing, but the statement seems almost playful, not anxious.)

I think that there’s some throat-clearing exposition going on here. Later in the chapter, Jynx decides to sneak into her father’s office to discover the truth even though the children are forbidden to go there. I think that’s where the story starts, when she and perhaps her brother sneak in—if, that is, whatever happens there is what starts the story. It’s entirely possible to inject her grandmother’s confession and Jynx’s dread into internal monologue if she’s alone, or dialogue if she’s with her brother. Doing something forbidden would add tension, and the notion that her grandmother’s crazy notion could be somehow right (otherwise why sneak into the office) could also add tension.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Friday Fun and Flogometer for Kathy—would you turn the page?

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You can start the podcast series or subscribe to The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles here or on iTunes. A sample of the novel is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

Chapter 16 Back to the graveyard

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kathy has sent a brief prologue and a first chapter. The prologue’s opening lines:

Like clockwork every fall, Dawn Ingram goes off the radar for six weeks. Is it R and R? R and D? When the leader of global giant Three Eleven burps, it makes headlines, but when she disappears, no one notices? Well, Stew Singleton does. And that, my friends, is why this log remains underground.

There is a pattern. First, in August, she slows down on public appearances. No more meetings or press conferences, no interviews. Then, any telecasts are only headshots. I kindof miss the chance to see her, she’s still smokin’ after all these years. Then, at the end of September, we get nothing. Nada. Zip. Until she resurfaces on November 1, giving us the time and location of her annual State of the Program address on November 11.

Now, I don’t begrudge the woman her time off, if that’s what it is. But, I’ll be honest. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust TE. Not that I trust Anvolussion on the other side, but there is too much we the people are not being informed about with this company.

What does Dawn Ingram do for six weeks every fall, and has done for the past twenty odd years?

The first chapter opens this way:

A familiar lethargy swept over Nicholas’ body; death was imminent. The welcome weakness brought comfort, like a warm blanket settling around his shoulders. First checking the settings on the plasma accelerator, he then re-read the gauges on the nuclear reactor and glanced at the clock on the wall. Nearly time.

He knew what he had to do, had been trying to do for more than a millennium. The previous failures, the pain endured, the lost lives coursed through Nicholas’ mind as he looked out over the devastation visible through the window of the control room. One single remaining operational nuclear plant on Earth, and he was about to destroy it.

The worn paper pulled from his pocket was reverently unfolded, tiny creases marring the once-vibrant colours of the photograph. Tracing a finger over every achingly familiar feature, he whispered “I’m tired, Adya. I can’t do this any more. We thought it would work, it should have worked. One last time, one last try.” The control seat protested the bulk of his body as he sat, entering the sequence of commands which sent the reactor into critical condition. The resultant energy surge would power the temporal displacement plasma accelerator and complete his final task of this lifetime. Rising wearily, Nicholas sighed then stretched his back. He slid onto the metal operating table in the centre of the room, attached connectors to his temples and chest, and (snip)

Yes times 2, however. . .

Not usually a fan of prologues, this one was very brief—it would all be on the first page of a manuscript or a printed book. And it does raise story questions. The character mentioned, Dawn, does appear in the first chapter, so that’s satisfying. But it does take risks. For one, being all in italics—hard to read. Why? For another, it doesn’t actually immerse us in a character’s experience or really launch a story.

The first chapter’s opening was a definite page-turner for me. What’s going to happen next? I can tell you that the first chapter continued to keep the pages turning.

I think there’s a little overwriting here and there—for me, “The control seat protested the bulk of his body as he sat,” was totally unnecessary. It also gave a role to a chair in a complicated phrase. I’d cut it. And watch out for adverbs that modify verbs, such as “Rising wearily.” Just use his actions to suggest weariness, or internal monologue. I would have preferred if we had “seen” what he saw out the window—“the devastation” has no meaning whatsoever, and might as well not have been there. Specifics create reality, generalizations none.

Nice work, Kathy.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Nika—would you turn the page?

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A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Nika sent a prologue and the first chapter of her “women’s novel,” and isn’t sure about keeping the prologue (which her beta readers want her to keep). Its opening lines:

As our family legend goes, Mum nearly gave birth to me on the plane. Contractions started in mid-air, scaring the daylights out of the poor hostess, while other passengers tried to help Mum the best they could, fetching water for her and cheering her up. They suggested names for the baby: first after the captain, then after their destination and finally, after the flight number. If you believed them, Mum was about to make the line's history.

Mum couldn't care less. She was in fact relieved when her baby, like most first-born children, hadn't transpired there and then. The pilot had plenty of time to land the plane and hand Mum over to the ambulance, so at the end of the day, rather than in mid-air, I was born in a humble hospital bed.

I once heard that if a person was born on board a plane, the airline granted him a free lifetime pass. There was a time when I even blamed Mum for not delivering -- literally. I felt robbed of my birthright to travel around the globe for nothing. Had I been born on board a plane, I thought, had things gone differently that day, my whole life would’ve taken a different course. A better one, of course. More exiting.

More than that: having caught my life on one lie, I was then sure all other incidents that had tainted my childhood were a clot of sad mistakes which had confused me with someone else.

Chapter 1 starts this way:

I had first faced human misery ten years ago. A tuberculosis seminar in Kenya was looking for an interpreter, and I jumped on the bandwagon.

They put us up in a small hotel surrounded by a garden. The day we arrived, a large group of beggars turned up by the gate. Not just any beggars: these were sick ones who'd heard it through the grapevine that the hotel had been booked by a group of medical professionals.

Lifeless atrophied limbs, disfigurements, skin covered in purulent ulcers -- a whole medical atlas of diseases and deformities stood by the gate pleading for help. For the first time in years, I felt ashamed of giving up practice. Back home I’d never regretted my denouncement of medicine but here, in the heart of Eastern Africa, with so many sick and so few doctors, I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed by my arriving here as an interpreter, not as a doctor, while our doctors had arrived here to solve the problems of a hypothetical future, not of the pressing present.

The crowd by the gate groaned.

“My baby is sick, Doctor! Please help!”

“I have AIDS, Doctor!”

“Doctor, my baby’s dying!”

Maybe it’s because I’m not a woman, but, no.

I like the voice, and the writing is pretty clean and clear, but a prologue of musing followed by a chapter that opens with something in the past didn’t feel compelling to me. All of this, to me, felt like the “throat-clearing” that clogs so many novel openings. This one feels like the samples that Kristin Nelson, the agent, talked about in my excerpt from her post, a novel that starts too soon.

In fact, I read through the 14 pages Nika sent and, even though the writing and voice help up just fine, I finished them not really knowing what the novel was about. After we left the ten-year-old opening, we went to a meeting and got more exposition about what the character does, and then ran into an old classmate and got a dose of more backstory. I ended up not recognizing an inciting incident or, after 14 pages, seeing any problems ahead for the character, any desires that were destined to be frustrated, or story questions that made me wonder what happened next.

As I said, maybe because I’m not a woman that all this prose about backstory didn’t hook me—but I’d sure like to see the real opening to this character’s story, which lies ahead of these pages.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Greg—would you turn the page?

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A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Gregory’s opening lines:

The package hummed with mechanical malevolence.

A second, low tone signaled the transition to Stage 3 – cruising altitude reached, seeking GPS lock.

Tucked into the crawlspace of the airplane’s tail section, the package’s hard plastic shell had the outward appearance of a misplaced tool kit.

But inside, coiled wires snaked between trigger and detonator, awaiting the necessary current. Jointed to the detonator, an orange brick of plastic explosive itched with potential energy, ready to strike with 5,000 kilojoules of heat.

Wanting to fulfill its function, the package’s battery-powered microprocessor checked and re-checked longitudinal position, checked and re-checked, checked—

—and inside the main cabin, Theresa Partridge lurched forward, banging her shoulder against the bulkhead door.

“Did we hit a goat?” Lips asked.

Regaining her footing and composure, Theresa gave her best no-worries smile to the red-faced radio announcer. “I’m sure it was just turbulence.”

I turned the page. . .

. . .but I have a question for Gregory. For sure, the “ticking bomb” opening got me to turn the page to see what would happen next, and the writing is clean (except for maybe one word that didn’t seem right). But the rest of the chapter, a short one, introduces several people on the baseball team inside the chartered jet—and then it crashes, all killed. The question is, why involve me with all those people when they’re going to go boom? It doesn’t seem likely that the real story is any of theirs, and, as a reader, I had this feeling that I’d just spent time reading something that didn’t matter. Notes:

The package hummed with mechanical malevolence.

A second low tone signaled the transition to Stage 3 stage three – cruising altitude reached, seeking GPS lock.

Tucked into the crawlspace of the airplane’s tail section, the package’s hard plastic shell had the outward appearance of a misplaced tool kit.

But inside, coiled wires snaked between trigger and detonator, awaiting the necessary current. Jointed Joined to the detonator, an orange brick of plastic explosive itched with potential energy, ready to strike with 5,000 kilojoules of heat. While “jointed” could be correct for some mechanical reason, it seemed like “joined” was the intended word.)

Wanting to fulfill its function, the package’s battery-powered microprocessor checked and re-checked longitudinal position, checked and re-checked, checked—

—and inside the main cabin, Theresa Partridge lurched forward, banging her shoulder against the bulkhead door. I don’t think I’d use one of the critical 16-17 lines of the opening page on a blank line. I suggest just sentences and paragraphs.)

“Did we hit a goat?” Lips asked.

Regaining her footing and composure, Theresa gave her best no-worries smile to the red-faced radio announcer. “I’m sure it was just turbulence.”

As I said, this is working in terms of tension and story questions, but now you have me wondering what the real story opening is like.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Friday Fun and Flogometer for Douglas—would you turn the page?

---

You can start the The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles podcast series or subscribe to it here or on iTunes. A sample of the novel is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

Chapter 15 The trial is trying

.Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Douglas’s opening lines:

Dear Journal,

The war has not been going well. Today, we lost the last farms outside of the town walls, and the turpes and foeturs have completed surrounding the town. It seems they are waiting just out of arrow's reach. They may not be smart, but they're at least clever. The Captain said we have enough food and other provisions to hold out for another month, but that he doubts help will come in time. He called for volunteers today to go up into the mountains to discover the turpes plans. Cadmon, Hector, Julie, Red Beard, and I volunteered to be one of those teams.

I'm looking forward to getting out into the woods again. It's been hard being stuck in town for eight weeks. It's hard to focus with people all around who are upset because they've lost their farms and their families.

It's strange how people fall apart when people they know die. Life is such a fleeting thing after all – with people dying all the time. Even though people hear of death everyday, death seems to catch them by surprise when it takes someone they know. Perhaps it's my mental training as a wizard that lets me keep control of my faculties while those around me are loosing theirs.

I wasn’t engaged

While this journal entry does introduce an interesting world and a character who seems to be in jeopardy, bottom line it’s all telling, as a journal would tend to be. The possibility of trouble ahead is there, but then weakened by the character’s musing about death. For this reader, musing is not the way to hook me. The fact that I have no idea what turpes and foeturs are doesn’t help. In the chapter that follows, the protagonist and his companions fight the foeturs, and I still didn’t have an idea of what they were. Note to Douglas: there was a lot of head-hopping, point of view shifts, in your narrative. Generally, that’s not good craft. Notes:

Dear Journal,

The war has not been going well. Today, we lost the last farms outside of the town walls, and the turpes and foeturs have completed surrounding the town. It seems they are waiting just out of arrow's reach. They may not be smart, but they're at least clever. The Captain said we have enough food and other provisions to hold out for another month, but that he doubts help will come in time. He called for volunteers today to go up into the mountains to discover the turpes' plans. Cadmon, Hector, Julie, Red Beard, and I volunteered to be one of those teams.

I'm looking forward to getting out into the woods again. It's been hard being stuck in town for eight weeks. It's hard to focus with people all around who are upset because they've lost their farms and their families. (The repetition of “it’s hard” should be avoided.)

It's strange how people fall apart when people they know die. Life is such a fleeting thing after all – with people dying all the time. Even though people hear of death everyday, death seems to catch them by surprise when it takes someone they know. Perhaps it's my mental training as a wizard that lets me keep control of my faculties while those around me are loosing theirs. (While this musing may have been a device to introduce the fact that this character is a wizard, it did not create in me any story questions. The prime purpose of the opening page is to get the reader to turn it and read on, but this one did not make me wonder what will happen next to this character. All jeopardy is potential, not actual, and sort of abstract as well.)

An interesting world, Douglas, but there were tension issues with this first page and clarity issues with what followed. Keep at it, though, and make it come to life on the page. Try to stick with one point of view in the following chapter (which is what I’d begin with, not this journal entry), and slow it down a little, give us the experience of a single character.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey