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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Richard’s opening lines:
The way ahead lay thick with stirring shadows.
Lucas Sensed the creature watching him and his companions, its shape hidden amongst the trees at the road’s edge.
He bit his lip, unsure whether to call out in warning, or turn his horse and flee as his gut urged. But the thing had been following their path since the clearing, patient as sin, and now he felt it move forward again, keeping ahead of the three men and their horses.
Lucas coughed past a flutter in his throat. “The men we’re looking for are dead.”
“Oh?” asked Roth, glancing at him. “What proof have we?”
It sits just ahead, brother, waiting. “The blood we found was enough for two men.”
Roth shook his head. “Might have been a bears’ kill, perhaps a wolf.”
“Not a bear kill.” Lucas kept his voice firm. “I smelled sulphur.”
“Merchant’s causeway, lad,” Brine put in from behind. “Spilt goods or some such.”
“Sulphur could mean… a demon.”
Roth’s eyes narrowed. “Fairytale nonsense. I swear I’ll never get used to your people’s superstitions.”
The wind gusted, rattling winter-bare branches, and a stench claimed the air. “Come,” said Roth, spurring his horse into a canter.
Works for me
This opening scene introduced story questions that made me want to know more—is there a demon ahead? What’s special about Lucas’s people? Will the creature in the shadows attack? But there are places it could be stronger, in my opinion.
The way ahead lay thick with stirring shadows. (Scene-setting opportunity here. The second paragraph reveals a road, but why not here? The road ahead lay thick with stirring shadows. That way, instead of a vague "way," the reader is picturing a road right from the start.)
Lucas Sensed the creature watching him and his companions, its shape hidden amongst the trees at the road’s edge.
He bit his lip, unsure whether to call out in warning, or turn his horse and flee as his gut urged. But the thing had been following their path since the clearing, patient as sin, and now he felt it move forward again, keeping ahead of the three men and their horses. (A characterization problem here. A good rule of thumb to follow is to have characters perform to the best of their ability. You don’t want the reading thinking “Why didn’t he just do so-and-so?” It’s like when the nubile young woman goes up the attic in the dark after a killer has already slaughtered a couple of her friends. You know what’s waiting. Here, since they just passed a lot of blood on the ground, it would be only logical for him to mention that they are being stalked. A character let-down for me.)
Lucas coughed past a flutter in his throat. “The men we’re looking for are dead.”
“Oh?” asked Roth, glancing at him. “What proof have we?”
It sits just ahead, brother, waiting. “The blood we found was enough for two men.”
Roth shook his head. “Might have been a bears’ kill, perhaps a wolf.”
“Not a bear kill.” Lucas kept his voice firm. “I smelled sulphur.”
“Merchant’s causeway, lad,” Brine put in from behind. “Spilt goods or some such.”
“Sulphur could mean… a demon.”
Roth’s eyes narrowed. “Fairytale nonsense. I swear I’ll never get used to your people’s superstitions.”
The wind gusted, rattling winter-bare branches, and a stench claimed the air. “Come,” said Roth, spurring his horse into a canter. (I think an opportunity was missed here to crank up the tension and story here. Instead of these relatively tame lines—and the fact that the stench is not characterized—the story could have gotten to what they find in just a couple of paragraphs, a carriage with bodies on the ground beside it. I’d urge trying to get that on the first page. It can be done with a little trimming and rearranging.)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey