A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Taffy’s opening lines:
He looked around, careful not to move his head. He was here again, closer to his escape away from the monsters that brought him here. Why was he here? He looked slowly to his left and saw the newest victim. Younger than most the monsters had taken and he was slim built, tall and dressed in white; like himself and all the others.
He closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long it had been since he was taken from his home. Years most likely. Everyday he worked on his escape and every time he escaped he was caught. Each time, the monsters made him sleep again.
* * *Mandy had only been inside the jail once when she was ten years-old. The jail had seemed huge and scary then. But today when Mandy pulled up to the jail it didn’t feel as impressive. Mandy smiled. She was much more mature now.
A guard showed her into a room just like the ones she saw in the movies: Plexiglas windows, an old chair and phone. Mandy got her supplies out and nervously arranged her pencils into a straight line. She glanced up when she heard the lock open on her side of the Plexiglas. An older woman shuffled to an empty chair and sat.
What am I doing here? Quickly, Mandy shoved her stuff back in her pack. She reached for the recorder and her hand froze.

Had to say no
The first couple of paragraphs, despite some technical shortcomings, were busily raising story questions in my mind. I was assuming that the anonymous “he” would soon have a name and there would be more of his story. But then came a rug-pull, and that story was pulled out from under my mind and I plopped into a new one that didn’t seem related. My advice would be to stick with the first story if possible. The first two paragraphs felt like a very brief prologue, though, and I suspect that Mandy’s is the story to be told. If so, open with that. Notes:
He looked around, careful not to move his head.
He was here again, closer to his escape away from the monsters that brought him here.Why was he here? He lookedslowlyto his left and saw the newest victim. Younger than most the monsters had taken, and he was slimbuilt, tall and dressed in white;like himself and all the others. (The sentence I cut wasn’t very clear, and it created an echo of “here” that was annoying. Still, a gripping scenario.)He closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long it had been since he
washad been taken from his home. Years, most likely. Every day, he worked on his escape and every time he escaped he was caught. Each time, the monsters made him sleep again. (This was building nicely, and I wanted to know more.)
* * *Mandy had only been inside the jail once when she was ten years old. The jail had seemed huge and scary then. But today, when Mandy pulled up to the jail it
didn’t feelhadn’t felt as impressive. Mandy smiled. She was much more mature now.A guard showed her into a room just like the ones she had seen
sawin the movies: Plexiglas windows, an old chair and phone. Mandy got her supplies out and nervously arranged her pencils into a straight line. She glanced up when she heard the lock open on her side of the Plexiglas. An older woman shuffled to an empty chair and sat.What am I doing here? Quickly, Mandy shoved her stuff back in her pack. She reached for the recorder and her hand froze. (Some confusion going on here in this reader. The older woman shuffling in seems to have caused Mandy to wonder what she was doing there, but why? There seemed to be no relationship between the two because the next paragraph had Mandy’s visitor suddenly sitting in front of her.
For me, this narrative leaves out too much, and needs to linger with either opening. There were good story elements in both parts, though, so keep at it.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey