Flogometer for Mike—would you turn the page?

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But first, a sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike’s opening lines:

Paco stopped in Choteau for gas and more Redbull. Before he got out of the van, he brushed his face, shirt and pants to get rid of traces of white powder. Even though he wasn't hungry he bought a hotdog when he went in to pay. The cocaine had eliminated his appetite but maybe he'd want it later.

Back in the van, he grasped the steering wheel and laid his head on his hands. Four and a half more hours to Estralita's house, then he could sleep. “I can't stay at Estralita's house. They may be after me already. I'll take Estralita to a motel where I can sleep.”

He cracked open a Redbull and took another pinch of cocaine. Then, back on the road.

He had to get his cargo to Estralita. It was their future.

It became harder to continue driving. He couldn't get enough air. He was sweating. He wanted to sleep. As the buzz wore off, it was hard to keep his eyes open. He'd been awake for over 40 hours. He was taking pinches of powder almost every hour.

His left arm was starting to ache. He rubbed it. “Must be shotguns hurt it.”

It was dark before he passed through Overland Park and turned west toward Lawrence. He was within 30 minutes of Estralita’s when suddenly the pain in his arm became intense and spread to his shoulder, neck and chest. He doubled over in pain, clutching his chest. His agony (snip)

I passed

While Mike is doing a lot of right things by opening with an immediate scene, and his writing is good and clean, this narrative didn’t compel me, even thought it might others.

I figure there are basically three things that can get me to turn the page: voice; an involving character; riveting action. Here, the character seems like a bad guy, and there wasn’t enough there to interest me in what happened to him despite his dramatic oncoming heart attack. And the voice hasn’t quite reached the ready-for-prime time level, IMO.

Mike sent two chapters, and it turns out that this is more of a prologue because Paco dies at the end of this one, crashing his van full of cocaine and money. Then the second chapter spends a lot of time with throat-clearing as the real protagonist and his situation are detailed with lots of exposition. He witnesses the accident (after pages of exposition) and discovers the money and cocaine.

If I were Mike, that’s where I’d begin—briefly, with the accident (no need for all the description and stalling such as the character leaving his cell phone in his car and having to go back to it, etc.). Just a paragraph of accident action, then get him to the money in the second paragraph, and then get him to the decision that changes his life, all right there on the first page. Notes on the writing:

Paco stopped in Choteau for gas and more Redbull Red Bull. Before he got out of the van, he brushed his face, shirt and pants to get rid of traces of white powder. Even though he wasn't hungry, he bought a hotdog when he went in to pay. The cocaine had eliminated his appetite but maybe he'd want it later.

Back in the van, he grasped the steering wheel and laid his head on his hands. Four and a half more hours to Estralita's house, then he could sleep. “I can't stay at Estralita's house. They may be after me already. I'll take Estralita to a motel where I can sleep.” (The use of quotes makes this internal monologue look like dialogue. You can turn it into thoughts just by changing the tense, for example, He couldn’t stay at Estralita’s house. They might be after him already…etc.)

He cracked open a Redbull Red Bull and took another pinch of cocaine. Then, back on the road.

He had to get his cargo to Estralita. It was their future.

It became harder to continue driving drive. He couldn't get enough air. He was sweating. He wanted to sleep. As When the buzz wore off, it was hard to keep his eyes open. He'd been awake for over 40 forty hours. He was taking pinches of powder almost every hour. (In the Chicago style used by publishers, numbers like this are spelled out)

His left arm ached was starting to ache. He rubbed it. “Must be shotguns hurt it.” (Use internal monologue instead of quotes; he wouldn’t be talking to himself, I think.)

It was dark before he passed through Overland Park and turned west toward Lawrence. He was within 30 thirty minutes of Estralita’s when suddenly the pain in his arm became intense and spread to his shoulder, neck and chest. He doubled over in pain, clutching his chest. His agony (snip) (“suddenly” is one of those overused words that should be avoided. Just let it happen. Avoid the repetition of “pain” in the second sentence.

As I said, Mike, get to the story. Your writing has plenty of potential, but, in my view, way too much time was spent with things that did not advance the story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey