But first, a sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Janet’s opening lines of a YA novel:
If Jason had been looking where he was going instead of reaching into his bag for a newspaper, events may have been different that summer.
As the black Mercedes swept out of the driveway Jason and the driver saw each other at almost the same moment. Jason hit the brake and swung the scrambler into a desperate swerve, but the back wheel locked and tore up the turf. The next minute he was flying through the air. His shoulder smacked into the towering brick gatepost and he landed on the grass with a wallop. He watched helplessly as the scrambler slewed beneath the wheels of the car and it screeched to a stop with a smell of burning rubber.
The rear door flew open and a teenage girl scrambled out. Jason's left elbow and knee were skinned, and his shoulder throbbed where it had come in contact with the gatepost, but the pain hardly registered as he found himself looking into an attractive sun-brown face. Silky black hair fell about her face, framing her hazel eyes, wide with concern.
"Are you all right?"
He recognised the trace of an accent.
"I think so," he managed, reddening when he realised how stupid he must look with blood oozing from his elbow and knee, and his nose and cheeks lit up by luminous green sun block (snip)
I wasn’t captured
The target audience of teens might be more forgiving, but, even then, there’s not a lot of hook here. I like that we’re starting with an immediate scene, and there was foreshadowing—but, based on what’s here, no real conflict. There is an expectation of a connection with the boy and girl, but that’s not compelling, storywise—it happens in thousands of novels. Since the boy doesn’t seem seriously hurt, and someone is seemingly looking after him, there’s not a lot of reason to turn the page for this reader. Notes:
If Jason had been looking where he was going instead of reaching into his bag for a newspaper, events may have been different that summer. (The foreshadowing tries to give us enough momentum to get through the first page, but, because it’s vague [may have been different], it’s not powerful. If it hinted at a dramatic consequence, maybe so.)
As the black Mercedes swept out of the driveway, Jason and the driver saw each other at almost the same moment. Jason hit the brake and swung the scrambler into a desperate swerve, but the back wheel locked and tore up the turf. The next minute he was flying through the air. His shoulder smacked into the towering brick gatepost and he landed on the grass with a wallop.
He watched helplessly as tThe scrambler slewed beneath the wheels of the car and it screeched to a stop with a smell of burning rubber. (I didn’t know what a scrambler was, but I suspect that people in Janet’s country would. From reading on, it’s a motor scooter or motor bike. If so, what’s he doing on turf instead of pavement? The antecedent for “it screeched” isn’t easy to see, but the structure suggests that the scrambler screeched to a stop when it was actually the car. Clarify. Otherwise, good so far.)The rear door flew open and a teenage girl scrambled out. Jason's
leftelbow and knee were skinned, and his shoulder throbbed where it had come in contact with the gatepost, but the pain hardly registered as he found himself looking into an attractive sun-brown face. Silky black hair fell about her face, framing her hazel eyes, wide with concern. (For me, too much detail about his injuries slows the narrative—and it keeps more interesting stuff off the first page. Unless these specifics are necessary for the story, I don’t think they’re needed at all. The important part is her appearance and concern. At this point, what with shock and all, he might not even be realizing that he is injured. I’d cut it.)"Are you all right?"
He recognised the trace of an accent. (Actually, he doesn’t recognize it—later she speaks a language he doesn’t know with a woman in the car. What actually happens is that he hears an accent. If it’s an unfamiliar one, and it seems to be, that’s germane, but he can’t actually recognize it.)
"I think so," he managed, reddening when he realised how stupid he must look with blood oozing from his elbow and knee, and his nose and cheeks lit up by luminous green sun block (snip) (Unless he has sat up and looked, he won’t know that there’s blood on his injuries. And where do they use luminous green sun block? Every kind I’ve ever seen disappears on skin. And how important is the presence of sun block to the story (even though his thoughts do characterize)?
Some thoughts for Janet. After considerable throat-clearing exposition and backstory, at the end of the chapter Jason goes back to the house. He has worked up concern about the girl because of a “feeling.” But there are no apparent threats to either him or the girl. I suggest that you make the initial encounter much more dramatic and, if possible, get it onto the first page. If you cut out all the injury stuff to make some space, here’s a thought-starter:
The rear door flew open and a teenage girl started out. “Are you—“
A woman grabbed her arm and yanked her back into the car. “Tessa!” To the driver, she said, “Go!” The Mercedes backed into the street, the door closing when it zoomed away.
With something of this nature, Jason has good reason to be concerned and thus motivated to come back. It raises more serious story questions, too. Just a thought.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey