A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Colleen has sent a revision of her opening lines:
One thought kept me hanging on: I won’t live like a ghost forever. I’d been clinging to the hope that some cosmic turning point would shift my world. I cradled the thought of a new life, embracing it longingly, until squealing brakes ripped it from my mind. I lurched forward and snapped back in my seat. Just my luck. The bus I was riding to a job interview crashed.
The passengers ignored the kindly bus driver’s pleas to stay seated, and ran outside to gawk, vultures that we were. The guy who’d dared to cut off a bus in a two-door Chevy Sprint was staring morosely at his crumpled rear fender, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his Hulk Hogan moustache. He was way too short to pull off that look.
The bus driver clapped his hand on the guy’s shoulder in sympathy over the fate of the clown car. I swear I saw the crazy meter light up in shorty’s eyes. The needle shot from zero to berserk. “Don’t touch me, old man!” he yelled. He shoved the stunned driver backwards, bawled a blue streak at him, then spun around and kicked the tail light dangling from his mangled fender. I felt sorry for the bus driver, who stood there meekly taking crap from a crazed elf.
Since my life was already chock full of insufferable boobs that year, I didn’t stick around. Besides, I couldn’t afford to be late. I started hoofing it down Oxford Street toward the plaza. A (snip)
Nope
With the last version, the voice was strong enough to get me close to turning the page, but that time what was happening wasn’t compelling enough. While the voice is still strong and likeable, I think the narrative actually took a step back. We need for something to happen that promises a real problem for the character, something that will force her to take strong action to be okay. Here, there’s only the possibility that she will be late for a job interview, with no known serious consequences. For my money, Colleen, I suspect that the next chapter is actually where you need to be starting this story. While this one is definitely better written and improved at the end, all that happens is that she gets a job working for people who seem unpleasant. I don’t think that’s the inciting incident. It’s what happens on that job (perhaps) that is, and that’s likely where you need to start. This narrative is mostly, it seems to me, of the “the reader needs to know this stuff” kind that the reader doesn’t actually need to know, at least in this form.
One other thing: the references to “ghost” and “elf” steered me in a paranormal direction, but the intent isn’t clear. With so much fantasy around these days, a word like “elf” means much more than a short guy. Notes:
One thought kept me hanging on: I won’t live like a ghost forever. I’d been clinging to the hope that some cosmic turning point would shift my world. I cradled the thought of a new life, embracing it longingly, until squealing brakes ripped it from my mind. I lurched forward and snapped back in my seat. Just my luck. The bus I was riding to a job interview crashed. (I see that with “cosmic turning point” that you’re trying to foreshadow jeopardy to come, and that’s good. And the end of the chapter refers back to that. But all that happens is that she gets the job. I think the turning point isn’t getting the job, it’s what happens afterward that creates peril that is the turning point.)>
The passengers ignored the kindly bus driver’s pleas to stay seated and ran outside to gawk, vultures that we were. The guy who’d dared to cut off a bus in a two-door Chevy Sprint was staring morosely at his crumpled rear fender, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his Hulk Hogan moustache. He was way too short to pull off that look.
The bus driver clapped his hand on the guy’s shoulder in sympathy over the fate of the clown car. I swear I saw the crazy meter light up in shorty’s eyes. The needle shot from zero to berserk. “Don’t touch me, old man!” he yelled. He shoved the stunned driver backwards, bawled a blue streak at him, then spun around and kicked the tail light dangling from his mangled fender. I felt sorry for the bus driver, who stood there meekly taking crap from a crazed elf. (So far, nothing much is actually happening to her. As mentioned before, does “elf” refer to his kind or his height?
Since my life was already chock full of insufferable boobs that year, I didn’t stick around. Besides, I couldn’t afford to be late. I started hoofing it down Oxford Street toward the plaza. A (snip) (At this point, there are no real story questions raised about this character. With fundamentally nothing happening to her, there’s no reason for the reader to feel that most important desire rising in her mind, “I need to know what happens next.”)
Your writing is high-calibre, Colleen, and I look forward to the time when it launches me into this character’s story, not the prequel.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey