Hey, is anybody listening to these podcasts? Let me know? A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Jeff has re-submitted a prologue and the first chapter. Here are the prologue’s opening lines:
And now, the first chapter’s openingWe were a family. We had no common DNA between us. We were misfits with no place else to go. Each could not have been more different than the other, so it was not within the traditional definition of family.
Faith united us. Hope solidified our purpose. Love bound us together. We walked through hell in unity, arm in arm, heart in heart, soul in soul and we became as soldiers who rally to the flag to stand their ground united against the odds.
Father was a Pneusian. You’ve likely seen them in photos or holographic recordings. They’re the ugly, reclusive, scary little gray skinned creatures with the considerable cranium and large almond shaped gerbil eyes. They are mind-bogglingly intelligent, frightfully pragmatic, exceedingly illusive and enormously effective. Pop was mostly an exception to the norm because he was a hybrid, developed as a bridge between Pneusians and humans in an attempt to intersect our frames of reference on the universe and develop understanding between us. He grew to understand us, but in spite of all his efforts, he was an utter failure because his own race couldn’t understand him. After they departed home to Pneusis he lingered, making his living as an electrical/mechanical engineer and in the autumn of his life, he accidentally adopted me and my brother Stuart.
A child’s cry reached his ears. The tone and resonance didn’t suggest an effort to make someone feel guilty, or get them in trouble. No, it was cry filled with honest urgency and not the kind one could tune out as Ira often did. He mustered his willpower to get up and answer it.
“It’s one of the girls, but which one? Why can’t I move?”
The child stopped to gulp air in quivering gasps, followed by a wail, ending with staccato squeaks. He fought for consciousness and forced his eyes open. The dark that swirled about him vanished like a waking dream. He focused on the overhead lamps. The light stung his eyes and his head pounded. He brought a hand up to his face in self protection.
“Ugn! What hit me? A truck?” He tried to get his bearings and peered through his fingers at his surroundings. “Is this sick bay? How’d I wind up in sick bay?” His mind was in a fog. He groped around his memory in search of recent events in an effort to gain coherent sense of what had happened. The ship passed through a sub-space irregularity. The deck plates trembled. “Are we out of Tev-Raxian territory? How fast are we going?”
The cry transitioned to howling then quieted to a whimper. He rolled to his side and looked at a blurry double image. Nikki’s spotted silver/grey flukes, so much like a dolphin’s extended out from her uniform skirt and hung over the side of the sick bay bed in the next space.
Despite improvements, not there for me yet
Some good writing here, for sure, and interesting things are hinted at in the prologue—but I didn’t know who the narrator was in the prologue, and the first two opening paragraphs became some of the kind of narrative that Elmore Leonard advises not including—stuff you skip. For this reader, a prologue has a better chance of catching me it it’s an immediate scene, not telling. I did like the description of the character, but wanted to see him doing something.
The chapter opening is clearer than the previous iteration, but there were elements that weren’t so clear. Are the quoted pieces dialogue, as in spoken out loud? If so, it seemed unnatural to me to be saying those things aloud. If they are thoughts or internal monologue, my confusion could easily be cleared up. For example, instead of “It’s one of the girls, but which one? Why can’t I move?”, write: It was one of the girls, but which one? Why couldn’t he move?
And, for me, there is still some overwriting going on. To illustrate, here’s one of the original paragraphs:
“Ugn! What hit me? A truck?” He tried to get his bearings and peered through his fingers at his surroundings. “Is this sick bay? How’d I wind up in sick bay?” His mind was in a fog. He groped around his memory in search of recent events in an effort to gain coherent sense of what had happened. The ship passed through a sub-space irregularity. The deck plates trembled. “Are we out of Tev-Raxian territory? How fast are we going?”
And here is an edited version:
Ugn! What had hit hit him? He peered through his fingers. How’d he wind up in sick bay? The deck plates trembled. Were they out of Tev-Raxian territory? How fast were they going?
In the opening, let the action show the reader his confusion. Rather than tell us he is groping in his memory, the questions in the internal monologue about where they were and how fast they are going show the groping—no need to tell us. If you can, created a crisp pace in the opening pages to sweep the reader into the story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter (up to 15 pages).
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey